How You Gon’ Kill MUFASA, You Cavity Of A Human Soul!?!?!

I’ve been known for inciting and encouraging ‘caution‘ in engaging and dealing with our Animal Kingdom peers. Those views are in no way, shape, or form represented by the actions of one scum of human existence,  Dr. Walter James Palmer of Minnesota.  This ass-hat dedicated his assets ($55,000 permit to be exact) to luring, tracking, and illegally killing an alpha-male of a lion pride in Zimbabwe. The 13 year old mane-bearer is none other than Cecil The Lion.  Cecil was a famously celebrated manifestation of excellence as tourists from all over the world came to Zimbabwe to see the largest lion on record in his natural habitat.  Cecil is basically the real life version of Mufasa. Remember him, the OG who’s son, Simba, eventually succeeded him the throne of pride rock thanks to his mandrill butler therapist  godfather? NO?

Now You do! If you missed Lion King, SPOILER ALERT: Simba got back from back-packing in Europe with his new gypsy friends Timon and Pumba, and took care of the family business via a fiery hostile take-over… So to speak.
SNAP BACK to REAL LIFE:  MUFASA, Cecil. You know what’s gonna happen to HIS potential Simba, and Nala (btw – they were siblings. Gross, Disney)?

The six cubs of Cecil will now be killed, as a new male lion (Jericho) in the pride will not allow them to live in order to encourage the lionesses to mate with him.

“That’s how it works… it’s in the wild; it’s nature taking its course,” Mr Rodrigues head of Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force told BBC News!

THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE NOW! Circle of life my A55, DISNEY! Yup, Mother Nature’s an even bigger bitch than this toothless dentist. Apparently this isn’t the first time fake-a55-ghetto-Teddy-Roosevelt-wannabe went after majestic natural artifacts. In his neighboring state of Wisconsin, Palmer was fined and placed on probation for a year for illegally killing a black bear. He then lied to a federal agent after shooting the black bear 40 miles outside the legal zone.

This explains why PETA went gangsta on him.

WHOA! PETA, I’m witcha on “extradited, and charged” but… just WHOA. If you’re truly People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, maybe dial down on the murder game, and up on the ethics. That said, since you feel so strongly about it, might I suggest humanely placing this doctor in prison? Except, make it a prison where he’s surrounded by other lions to harass him whenever he drops the soap or doesn’t eat his cornbread.  A zoo might be what I’m thinking of. Put him in a zoo.

On another note – as the largest lion recorded, and alpha male of his pride, Cecil was DEFINITELY an African King… of the jungle. That makes this a downright geo-political power grab and potential crisis aided by American financing.  The CIA has neither confirmed nor denied involvement in this allegation. Why would they? That’s NOT just forced to support my focus on geo-political issues for the week, either!  The American public has come out in droves distancing themselves from this man’s actions with insults that we ourselves at this blog are far too classy to suggest and conjure up. We’ll bring you those tomorrow.

For now a tribute to the one and only, the king of the jungle, father of 6… (soon to be dead, because DAAAAMN that’s kinda awful… ain’t it ethical/humane to save THOSE lil guys for a zoo, PETA?) cubs. Cecil The Great!

HOL’ UP! This TOOLBAG ALREADY had a lion trophy from 2008! He was tryna RE-UP on his COLLECTION of lion trophies??? Phucket, PETA – HAVE AT HIM!


I Feel Bad For This Grown-Ass Dude Dressed As A Teletubby

TeledudeMan, just look at him.  He thought his night was going to be great.  He’s dressed up as Po.  Po!  That’s the best Teletubby! But then Duke happened.  So… you know.  That.  Feel better, dude.  There’s always Halloween.  😦

Andrew Harrison, Frank Kaminsky, And What It Means To Be Called A Nigga In America


Here we go again.  Another weekend, another race debate in America. We can’t believe we have to blog this shit, but the tides of headlines forced us (maybe for the better) to release a piece we’ve been considering for a while. In a moment caught on tape (In 2015, you should always assume someone is listening), Andrew Harrison muttered “fuck dat nigga” in response to Frank Kaminsky’s perfect-season ending performance. Predictably, people got upset.  Cue the N-word discussions. Continue reading Andrew Harrison, Frank Kaminsky, And What It Means To Be Called A Nigga In America