Ben’s Diary: I Made A Huge Mess In The Kitchen But I Can’t Clean It Up

nopapertowels

Dear Diary,

I made a huge mess in the kitchen but I can’t clean it up.

But first, I’m sorry, Diary. I’ve neglected you. Again. Our relationship has stalled out these past few months, hasn’t it? But as you’ll see, it’s not you, it’s me. I know, I know, that’s the type of clichéd bullshit we whisper into the ears of tearful lovers, but Diary, you and I aren’t lovers. You’re a physical object. Well, an… electronic cloud? At the very least, you’re a webpage, which is not a thing you can love in the human relationship sense, but it is a thing you can love in the “hey, I love this thing” sense. So I love you, Diary, you great thing, you. And I’m back! To tell you about how the roommate and I keep forgetting to buy fucking paper towels.

We’re going on several MONTHS since a paper towel has stepped a quilted, papery foot in our house. Yes, months. Yes, that’s absurd. No, it’s not on purpose. No, it’s not an environmentalism thing. No, I’m not mad about. Yes, it has gotten gross. The kitchen that is. We’re in trouble. Like, real bio-hazard trouble. I think the EPA is about to send in their elite corps of Bio-Hazard Bros to sterilize the joint, wrapped in layer after layer of HAZMAT suit, armed to the teeth with Super Soakers filled with bleach and Lysol grenades. And honestly? I wouldn’t blame them. I’d blame Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Made A Huge Mess In The Kitchen But I Can’t Clean It Up

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Straight Outta Topics: Memes Gone Dumb

Look, we get it. Friday’s are checkout days. In fact, here’s an excerpt based on a convo from last Friday:

Me: “When are we starting that new section of our fledgling blog again?
Ben: “i dunno whenever…? Not on Friday though lol. Fridays are for slacking!
Me: “*sigh… should there be a particular day for it?” (equally blase)
Ben: “Probably mannnnn. Like Thursday
See? We’re right there with ya. But, that’s no excuse to start this nonsense, Internet! As Leland already previewed for us, the N.W.A. Biopic Straight Outta Compton is comin out. Apple/Beatbydre/Some-Movie-studio knows you all had checked out and were at Happy Hour, so they set this bait of a website and just watched. It’s clear it worked on you simpletons, and it didn’t take long! We’re very disappointed in what you did over the weekend, Internet! Very disappointed! *whispers*… its hilarious though, keep it up:


Well, not according to his poll numbers – amirite 😉 ?

Jerome’s in the house, watch ya mooooouf. #OriginalsPlaya


Original Rolling Stone, amirite?

Black America’s favorite white boy since Eminem via TV Show, Power. New Wire?

A
CCURATE.


FINE, Iron Man! How bout being outta THINGS?

Continue reading Straight Outta Topics: Memes Gone Dumb