Would You Trust This Drone Auto-Stroller With Your Baby?

Volkswagen is excited to show off their precision robotic control systems.  One could say they’re all gag-a for them ;). So much so, that they implemented them into a baby stroller, and the results will have you wincing at the autonomous driving extreme with auto-breaks. We can barely trust roomba’s, can you trust these? Check it out:

Wellness Wednesday: How To Be A Sensitive Bigot Online

You’ve thought it, posted it and regretted it. Sometimes, you may have been a bit bigoted jackhole, sometimes you were somewhere in between Trevor Noah, Jerry Seinfeld, and Curtis Jackson.  Whatever the case is, its clear in 2015 – more than ever – that somewhere, somehow even Gandhi’s dieting, and Mother Teresa’s prude self would be crossing the line for some poor sap who is a offense-detector. Here’s a hilarious take on how to avoid an AIDS fire, ebola hurricane, or meningitis tsunami or any biting comeback in such an event:

Potato Of The Day Episode 77

papayaupdatesI’m so goddamned sick and tired of waiting for this goddamned papaya to finish installing updates. How long can this even take? I plugged my papaya in HOURS ago. I was told the updates would take just a minute to complete. But I’ve been staring at my papaya progress bar (i.e. the papaya) all morning and it hasn’t moved. Not one fucking inch. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PAPAYA UPDATES? I was explicitly promised a new fruit experience, a rejuvenation of the produce protocol. Well, this feels pretty damn unrejuvenating or juvenating or venating or whatever-the-proper-prefix-reduction-sauce-word-is to me.

I WAS GUARANTEED FRUIT 2.0 BY THE END OF LUNCH. Well they didn’t actually list out lunch as a time. That’s too variable. What’s lunchtime for you isn’t necessary lunchtime for me. Which why do we schedule lunch meetings? It says a lot about us as a society that we’re willing to assume everyone crams digestible slop into their mouths at roughly noon o’clock every damn day. EVERYONE SHUT DOWN YOUR PAPAYAS, WE’RE GOING TO LUNCH. What if I’m not ready for lunch yet? WHAT IF MY PAPAYA IS STILL INSTALLING GODDAMNED UPDATES? What then, huh? COUNT ME OUT FOR LUNCH, CAROL! I’m eating at 3:30 today. Don’t ask questions. Yes, I’m updating my papaya. NO I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL HAVE TO CLICK ANYTHING WHEN IT’S DONE. Why do you think I’m still staring at this docile piece of tropical tree fruit? God Carol, you’re so fucking insensitive sometimes.

Does anyone really know what this papaya update is going to do anyway? It’s not going to turn my papaya into a fucking persimmon is it? I can’t imagine what you’d even need to change about the papaya. Why install updates? It’s seems just fine as it is. Are the updates going to make it more digestible? Seedless? Remove some bugs? They’re always saying, “oh we’re fixing some bugs with this update.” Well what bugs? Better not be spiders. Those are arachnids, you confusing-entomology-for-arachnology-asshats! Seriously, don’t call spiders bugs. Also seriously, what’s the deal with this papaya? It sure feels like nothing is happening. I just put my ear to it. Didn’t hear a sound. Not even a spider!

Everyone else has gone to lunch and now I’m just sitting here alone staring at an updating papaya like an idiot. I’m starting to get hungry, too. If only I had some updated fruit to eat… but nope. Just stuck here, foodless, alone, bored, watching my updating papaya. Sometimes papayas are amazing superfoods, brimming with vitamins and antioxidants. Other times, papaya technology just really sucks.


Taylor Swift Is The Most Powerful Brand In Music Today, Ask Apple And Spotify

Taylor Swift is the Lisa Simpson of the music industry. She’s that know-it-all, that happens to be actually right most of the time, and always shows up her peers and sometimes perceived superiors.
And look, I’ll be the first to admit it, I hate that. Maybe I’m just biased because her music is not exactly my shower-tunes (except when I “Shake It Off” drying out from the shower – enjoy that mental image forever now), but even I in my haterade shower dancing can’t deny that in the battle for your streaming bucks between Spotify, Apple Music, and (lets be real) OTHERS, T-Swift is the Gettysburg. She’s the D-Day. Her latest album “1989” sold 1.2 Million copies on the first week back in October of last year. To date it is still at the #2 Album spot with over 6 Million American, and close to 10 million worldwide sales.  All in all – whoever does right by T-Swift, wins a major battle in the hearts and minds of young streamers.

Naturally, everybody freaked the hell out when she hinted at keeping her blockbuster album off the new Apple Music streaming service via a blog post on her tumblr page:

“Three months is a long time to go unpaid, and to work for nothing…change this policy…We don’t ask you for free iPhones. Please don’t ask us to provide you with our music for no compensation.”

t swift blog benandsiyablogTaylor Swift raised a reasonable and amicable point about Apple Music, that she tried to with Spotify in the past.  Feel free to read it in its entirety, but here’s the gist:

  • Thanks to Apple Music’s 3-month free tier model, independent musicians, producers, and engineers don’t get paid while contributing to Apple’s growing user-base. Taylor don’t got time for that.
  • She won’t feature “1989” on the new Apple service, until they change that policy. Freemium is a politically correct way of saying “Free” as far as she’s concerned.
  • You can have her old stuff, though – because you’re cool Apple. Spotify gets NO Tay-Tay.

So maybe the response to these grievances that Spotify CEO Daniel Ek addressed in his “$2 Billion and Counting” response to Taylor was ill-advised as Swift took this as calling her bluff.

“We’re not just streaming, we’re mainstreaming now, and that’s good for music makers and music lovers around the world.”

OH YEA? You might not be ready to be mainstreaming ANY of Taylor’s jelly, buddy.

Fair’s fare, Lisa Simpson. Fare’s fair. Apple’s SVP of Internet Software and Services immediately took the hint and didn’t make the same mistake:

Now, it could be that Apple pays folks next to nothing for that first 3 months, but the point is that they made artists FEEL HEARD AND RESPECTED.  Something the recording industry (even the new streamin avenue has failed to really do).  We all know artists (especially Swifty Hussle) are all about the money feelings.

On the way to launch date of June 30th, Apple Music is buying every life-vest it can to stay afloat. Your move, other guys.

hood evening, bishes (no typo)
“hood evening, bishes (no typo)”

Like Your New Samsung Phone? Lay Off The Internet A While

The last time I was flying out of America’s busiest airport, using Wi-Fi seemed like a seamless breeze. The wi-fi read “OHare Public” and that seemed clear enough, instagram all the Niykee Heaton you want till this New York flight, young African!”. But, my iFun security just wouldn’t let me refresh my timelines, or browser, or Tinder. WTF! Turns out my Cupertino overlords had my best interest at heart, because what seemed fair enough was a trick hack-holes use in every airport to get people sending and receiving unprotected credit card numbers, pictures, and virtually everything on your smartphone. That would have worked if I was wielding a dumbass Samsung Galaxy.

No, it’s not popular start-up Swiftkey’s fault – but it’s how Samsung installed the SDK that foolishly grants the keyboard god-like SYSTEM WIDE access to the phones’ pictures, apps, notes, and generally too much. Lost ya yet? FINE, watch this brogrammer demonstrate:

While, the issue seems to work best with public wi-fis, Samsung Galaxy users are still at risk as long as they have that nifty keyboard pre-installed and browse the internet in any way. Soooo candy-crush only for you! Lay off the internet for a while. (Printed version of our blog is available upon request).

Bobbing for Apple: Will Apple Music Float Or Sink?

On Monday, Apple unveiled plans to enter the music streaming service arena, debuting their design for Apple Music. Naturally, we disagree on how successful this streaming service will be. 

By Apple standards, Apple music is going to tank. They’re just way too far behind the Spotify cocaine bag.

O_o Ya think??? I wholeheartedly disagree.

There’s nothing differentiating it from the other services. It’s the same music at the same price point. So why should I switch? All my playlists are already built on other platforms. You think I have the time to rebuild Morning Commutes on that shit? No. I barely have time to post this week.

1. They have hundreds of millions of users already vertically connected via devices, and iTunes Store accounts ALREADY (complete with credit cards.) That’s HALF the battle. Continue reading Bobbing for Apple: Will Apple Music Float Or Sink?