Volkswagen is excited to show off their precision robotic control systems. One could say they’re all gag-a for them ;). So much so, that they implemented them into a baby stroller, and the results will have you wincing at the autonomous driving extreme with auto-breaks. We can barely trust roomba’s, can you trust these? Check it out:
Maybe it was out of necessity, convenience, or just plain lack of desire to fit in with your stupid social norms – I grew up in a time where there were some women (albeit middle aged or older) who found it perfectly acceptable for their bras to double as wallets.
-The necessity was security. There’s places where pick-pocketing and purse/wallet snatching is a reasonable risk. Somebody’s ingenious Aunt figured out that low-lives may steal ya money in broad daylight, but they won’t reach in your bra for it… hopefully.
-The convenience was the obvious lack of an extra accessory in a leather bound wallet for ya cash (or cards depending on how serious you take your re-inforced brallet)
-As for the social norms, some of our grandmas and aunties were just weirdos and would send us to the store with their clammy/crumpled up cash that we wouldn’t dare refuse because, sometimes the road to that snack you want goes past a boob bridge you must traverse, ya know? NO? Nobody else…. yeaaa… me neither.
In this digital day and age the challenges are similar. Except now, the pocket picker doesn’t have to see or touch you. In fact, he can be halfway around the world on his laptop sifting through lines of code tryna steal my aunties money, MY ice cream money…EVEN YOUR MONEY. He’s done it at Supermarkets. He’s done it at Hotel Chains. He’s done it in Gotham City. The heartless bastard has even done it at our sandwich and ice-cream shops. DEVIANT!
But that convenience though, amirite? If you’ve bought anything online you know the necessary hassle of entering your card information on a form only to have to do it again again when the secure page crashes after. Or, if you’re in line at your local grocery store with a cart full of
candy kale potatoes, do you really wanna sift through ya bag for your wallet, then ya wallet, then count out the cash, then realize it’s not enough so you go for the debit card, nope not that one the other one, oh wait you meant your credit card and look like an idiot in front of that cute cashier who just got called to aisle 5 while you took too long? Now your wallet shenanigans have cost you precious face time with your soul mate. Now you won’t have the kids that will raise the future President of Planet Earth that could’ve been your grand son/daughter. ALL BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T HAVE A DIGITAL WALLET. Checkout how 5 major players want you to fix that problem with them:
Samsung Pay (Announced Today)
You’ve thought it, posted it and regretted it. Sometimes, you may have been a
bit bigoted jackhole, sometimes you were somewhere in between Trevor Noah, Jerry Seinfeld, and Curtis Jackson. Whatever the case is, its clear in 2015 – more than ever – that somewhere, somehow even Gandhi’s dieting, and Mother Teresa’s prude self would be crossing the line for some poor sap who is a offense-detector. Here’s a hilarious take on how to avoid an AIDS fire, ebola hurricane, or meningitis tsunami or any biting comeback in such an event:
I’m so goddamned sick and tired of waiting for this goddamned papaya to finish installing updates. How long can this even take? I plugged my papaya in HOURS ago. I was told the updates would take just a minute to complete. But I’ve been staring at my papaya progress bar (i.e. the papaya) all morning and it hasn’t moved. Not one fucking inch. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PAPAYA UPDATES? I was explicitly promised a new fruit experience, a rejuvenation of the produce protocol. Well, this feels pretty damn unrejuvenating or juvenating or venating or whatever-the-proper-prefix-reduction-sauce-word-is to me.
I WAS GUARANTEED FRUIT 2.0 BY THE END OF LUNCH. Well they didn’t actually list out lunch as a time. That’s too variable. What’s lunchtime for you isn’t necessary lunchtime for me. Which why do we schedule lunch meetings? It says a lot about us as a society that we’re willing to assume everyone crams digestible slop into their mouths at roughly noon o’clock every damn day. EVERYONE SHUT DOWN YOUR PAPAYAS, WE’RE GOING TO LUNCH. What if I’m not ready for lunch yet? WHAT IF MY PAPAYA IS STILL INSTALLING GODDAMNED UPDATES? What then, huh? COUNT ME OUT FOR LUNCH, CAROL! I’m eating at 3:30 today. Don’t ask questions. Yes, I’m updating my papaya. NO I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL HAVE TO CLICK ANYTHING WHEN IT’S DONE. Why do you think I’m still staring at this docile piece of tropical tree fruit? God Carol, you’re so fucking insensitive sometimes.
Does anyone really know what this papaya update is going to do anyway? It’s not going to turn my papaya into a fucking persimmon is it? I can’t imagine what you’d even need to change about the papaya. Why install updates? It’s seems just fine as it is. Are the updates going to make it more digestible? Seedless? Remove some bugs? They’re always saying, “oh we’re fixing some bugs with this update.” Well what bugs? Better not be spiders. Those are arachnids, you confusing-entomology-for-arachnology-asshats! Seriously, don’t call spiders bugs. Also seriously, what’s the deal with this papaya? It sure feels like nothing is happening. I just put my ear to it. Didn’t hear a sound. Not even a spider!
Everyone else has gone to lunch and now I’m just sitting here alone staring at an updating papaya like an idiot. I’m starting to get hungry, too. If only I had some updated fruit to eat… but nope. Just stuck here, foodless, alone, bored, watching my updating papaya. Sometimes papayas are amazing superfoods, brimming with vitamins and antioxidants. Other times, papaya technology just really sucks.
OHHHH! UPDATE 2 OF 673 HAS STARTED! EVERYTHING IS COMING UP FUCKING PAPAYA TODAY!
Taylor Swift is the Lisa Simpson of the music industry. She’s that know-it-all, that happens to be actually right most of the time, and always shows up her peers and sometimes perceived superiors.
And look, I’ll be the first to admit it, I hate that. Maybe I’m just biased because her music is not exactly my shower-tunes (except when I “Shake It Off” drying out from the shower – enjoy that mental image forever now), but even I in my haterade shower dancing can’t deny that in the battle for your streaming bucks between Spotify, Apple Music, and (lets be real) OTHERS, T-Swift is the Gettysburg. She’s the D-Day. Her latest album “1989” sold 1.2 Million copies on the first week back in October of last year. To date it is still at the #2 Album spot with over 6 Million American, and close to 10 million worldwide sales. All in all – whoever does right by T-Swift, wins a major battle in the hearts and minds of young streamers.
Naturally, everybody freaked the hell out when she hinted at keeping her blockbuster album off the new Apple Music streaming service via a blog post on her tumblr page:
“Three months is a long time to go unpaid, and to work for nothing…change this policy…We don’t ask you for free iPhones. Please don’t ask us to provide you with our music for no compensation.”
- Thanks to Apple Music’s 3-month free tier model, independent musicians, producers, and engineers don’t get paid while contributing to Apple’s growing user-base. Taylor don’t got time for that.
- She won’t feature “1989” on the new Apple service, until they change that policy. Freemium is a politically correct way of saying “Free” as far as she’s concerned.
- You can have her old stuff, though – because you’re cool Apple. Spotify gets NO Tay-Tay.
OH YEA? You might not be ready to be mainstreaming ANY of Taylor’s jelly, buddy.
Fair’s fare, Lisa Simpson. Fare’s fair. Apple’s SVP of Internet Software and Services immediately took the hint and didn’t make the same mistake:
Now, it could be that Apple pays folks next to nothing for that first 3 months, but the point is that they made artists FEEL HEARD AND RESPECTED. Something the recording industry (even the new streamin avenue has failed to really do). We all know artists (especially Swifty Hussle) are all about the
The last time I was flying out of America’s busiest airport, using Wi-Fi seemed like a seamless breeze. The wi-fi read “OHare Public” and that seemed clear enough,
“instagram all the Niykee Heaton you want till this New York flight, young African!”. But, my iFun security just wouldn’t let me refresh my timelines, or browser, or Tinder. WTF! Turns out my Cupertino overlords had my best interest at heart, because what seemed fair enough was a trick hack-holes use in every airport to get people sending and receiving unprotected credit card numbers, pictures, and virtually everything on your smartphone. That would have worked if I was wielding a dumbass Samsung Galaxy.
No, it’s not popular start-up Swiftkey’s fault – but it’s how Samsung installed the SDK that foolishly grants the keyboard god-like SYSTEM WIDE access to the phones’ pictures, apps, notes, and generally too much. Lost ya yet? FINE, watch this brogrammer demonstrate:
While, the issue seems to work best with public wi-fis, Samsung Galaxy users are still at risk as long as they have that nifty keyboard pre-installed and browse the internet in any way. Soooo candy-crush only for you! Lay off the internet for a while. (Printed version of our blog is available upon request).
On Monday, Apple unveiled plans to enter the music streaming service arena, debuting their design for Apple Music. Naturally, we disagree on how successful this streaming service will be.
By Apple standards, Apple music is going to tank. They’re just way too far behind the Spotify cocaine bag.
Ya think??? I wholeheartedly disagree.
There’s nothing differentiating it from the other services. It’s the same music at the same price point. So why should I switch? All my playlists are already built on other platforms. You think I have the time to rebuild Morning Commutes on that shit? No. I barely have time to post this week.
1. They have hundreds of millions of users already vertically connected via devices, and iTunes Store accounts ALREADY (complete with credit cards.) That’s HALF the battle. Continue reading Bobbing for Apple: Will Apple Music Float Or Sink?