Turnip Tuesday: Mafikizolo – “Khona”

In celebration of the first week of the African invasion of the Young African Leadership Initiative Mandela Washington Fellows, let’s splash some South AFRICAN up in HERE…or as would be said in my language isiXhosa, KHONA!

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Dear America, We Still Cool Right? Yours Sincerely, South African

In case you missed it, October’s our cynical celebration of our favorite death season. Every day, Ben will present one thing that scares him, ranging from the anxious and annoying to the deadly and doomed. This Right Here Is My…SWAG is one of those things that scares me:

On behalf of South Africans everywhere, I’d like to pass my condolences apologies. Ben claims to be American but, I have my doubts. I’ve known Americans to be a fearless bunch INVENTING phones, MOCKING the itsy bitsy spiders with their kids, and hanging out in public bathrooms during football games to warm up during the winter (good call to my freshman year professor for that recommendation) – not FEARing those things or anyone!

Americans are a proud folk who have somehow coined, trademarked, and completely monopolized the indelible “WE’RE NUMBER 1” sports chant… (patent pending). That holds true until some South Africans beat the snot out of the American “Eagles” in the Rugby World Cup as they did this past weekend with a decisive 64-0 Shutout. 64-0.. SIXTY FOUR.  GOOD GAWD… You don’t have to understand the scoring in Rugby to get how terrible that is. America, meet me in the next paragraph, if you would be so kind.

Look, America. You’re good, right? I know your favorite newsman was recently replaced by South African, Trevor Noah – which will get awkward when he comes to talk $hit to Americans, about Americans… I would never do that, America! You know me! Known me more than half my life! I love you, America! I love BASEBALLHOCKEYFOOTBALLBASKETBALL… LEBRON JAMES, and HE’S American! Right? I love the Hawks! Not the Seattle Seahawks. They’re posers, and need to give that “Go Hawks” patent up to the Iowa Hawks of the heartland of farmin, hard-working, bread-basket, plain accent, this-ain’t-heaven-but-it’s-close IOWA! But I’m scared, America.

My fear is that thanks to this recent ass-handing by my Springboks, losing your beloved Jon Stewart, and Donald Trump’s surge in the polls – I will be issued a challenge in the immortal words of Iowa quarterback, Ricky Stanzi:

I love it. I don’t wanna leave it. So, despite that EMBARRASSMENT OF INTERNATIONAL PROPORTIONS America, WE still cool, right?

Yours Sincerely,

-South African

Super Mario Bros Turns 30 Today, And He’s Gone Crazy. WATCH

Aw, man! This is definitely the first game I remember crushing on my brother’s bootleg chinese version of the Nintendo console in South Africa right here. Here’s a fun fact from Fortune you might have not known, sorta like my brother didn’t know it was me who poured water on the console to “fix it” all those years back. (COME AT ME, BRO!):

Super Mario Bros. wasn’t the first game to feature Mario. He technically was born in 1981 in the Donkey Kong arcade game. But at the time, he was only known as “Jump Man”—and his iconic moves were rudimentary. It was Super Mario Bros. that gave him an identity and made him an icon. To date, the character has appeared in over 200 games, according to Nintendo.

I just don’t remember Mario being this violent. Guess he finally got tired of being hoodwinked by princess facades. I feel ya, brotha:

Luigi… Get yo boy.

Thank New Daily Show Host Trevor Noah, If You’re 1 Of These 3 Americans!

It’s about TIME! Do you realize how many times I have heard you people speak and wanted to tear my hair out??? A lot, that’s how much! This is why I don’t have the dreadlocks I was destined to have.

{Ben’s Note: Woah, woah, woah! What the fuck do you mean “YOU PEOPLE”?}

Here’s a test. Read the following words out loud: “NIKE”… “AUNT”… “ZEBRA”. Easy, right?

If you’re one of these 3 people, you are “YOU PEOPLE”, and I hate you. Fix Yourself:

1. You read the sports apparel name as “ny-kee”. -_- Oh, you did? When did you learn to ride a “bi-kee”, huh? Think this will get a buncha “li-kees” when you share it with your dumb friends on facebook-ee? WELL, DO YA, PUNK-EE?

2. Your parent’s sister is actually a small disproportionately strong insect. She lives in an ant-hill, and serves the collective will of the colony. Why else would you pronounce her title like that?  You should be pronouncing it like the delicious pastry “croissANT”. On another note, French is idiotic too. Way dumber. Let’s just surrender that battle of pronunciation and hope Americans have a plan to help.

3. Ever met a chick named Debra? I bet you did, and thought “I’ll have NO problem pronouncing THAT girl’s name. Debra… Debra Debra Debra Debraaaaa”  Then, you were smacked in the head with a stupid stick, and when you saw this striped animal, your brain forgot how to pronounce her name, and that’s why you should thank my fellow South African, Trevor Noah for restoring your speech and pathology here: