Wellness Wednesday: How To Be A Sensitive Bigot Online

You’ve thought it, posted it and regretted it. Sometimes, you may have been a bit bigoted jackhole, sometimes you were somewhere in between Trevor Noah, Jerry Seinfeld, and Curtis Jackson.  Whatever the case is, its clear in 2015 – more than ever – that somewhere, somehow even Gandhi’s dieting, and Mother Teresa’s prude self would be crossing the line for some poor sap who is a offense-detector. Here’s a hilarious take on how to avoid an AIDS fire, ebola hurricane, or meningitis tsunami or any biting comeback in such an event:

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Who’s The Bigger Troll, Jon Stewart Or Arby’s?

Arby’s KNOWS. They KNOW they’re terrible. They know you know that they know also. They’re not here to impress you! Their slogan is “WE HAVE THE MEATS” and they diaBETE that into your grey meat with the baritone voice of your bad conscious (aka Melvin from “Baby Boy”, aka Golden Globe winner Ving Rhames).  This was a common trope for all things terrible for outgoing political fun-poker, Jon Stewart. Arby’s kinda loved it:

One has to wonder – as The Daily Show comes to an end tonight – were they in on it the entire time? If so, will Stewart or Arby’s ever admit it? Either way, break bread one more time for this last supper with the odd couple in Arby’s hilarious goodbye commercials that aired last night.

May your time among us come to a graceful, yet far too soon and unexpected ending. Arby’s wouldn’t have it any other way 😉 . Mazel Tov, Jon!

ISIS “Moron” Tweets Base Location To United States Airforce, Then…

If you MUST choose a career in terrorism, and you MUST be a direct enemy of the United States, and you JUST GOTTA update your twitter followers on your sweet new territory gains – try not imploring the most advanced intelligence and Air Force in human history to play hide and seek/destroy with you.

This is advise a selfie-stick-wielding wonderkid could’ve used (that and try not being a terrorist in the first place). Taking a selfie and posting it on social media is the kind of stunt that gets these guys off, and frankly has been effective in recruiting 3,400 Westerners (including 200 Americans according to CNN).  But, leaving your geo-tagged LOCATION on? Come on, man. That’s the kinda stunt that gets you demoted or fired from your respective terrorist cell. If nothing else, it gets a bored Air Force Pilot… FIRED UP. When he was just chillin like so:

Dude...SOMEBODY tweet meeee!
Dude…SOMEBODY tweet meeee!

According to Air Combat Command General Hawk Carlisle,

The guys working down out of Hurlburt, they’re combing through social media and they see some moron standing at this command… in some social media, open forum, bragging about the command and control capabilities for Daesh, ISIL. And these guys go: ‘We got an in.’

Let’s take a break here and imagine that scenario. Picture the young USAF intelligence officer. All he does ALL DAY is tirelessly scroll through propaganda timelines, and everything kinda blurs together after a while.  What’s the first thought that comes to mind when he realizes what they land on right before he takes a smoke bathroom break? “Nooo. This jackass CAN’T be for real!”  He calls the rest of the team like:

So everybody suits up like:

Bruh, did you hear bout the idiot who tweeted us where to send these?
“Bruh, did you hear bout the idiot who tweeted us where to send these?”

Okay, let’s let the General finish:

So they do some work, long story short, about 22 hours later through that very building, three [Joint Direct Attack Munitions] take that entire building out

Ayyy! Peep MY selfie-swag, doe! #GramOnFire
Ayyy! Peep MY selfie-swag, though! #GramOnFire

So the old saying is true… looks CAN kill.