Potato Of The Day Episode 99

kohlrabi99 heads of kohlrabi on the wall, 99 heads of kohlrabi. Take one down, pass it around, what the fuck is kohlrabi, ya’ll?

That’s kohlrabi, man. That’s it. It’s a root vegetable. It’s actually quite delicious. I have nothing profound or witty to off you in regards to kohlrabi. I could tell you it’s a little starchy with a nice watery finish. I could tell you I like to eat it raw with the slices lightly salted. I could tell you it’s often recommended as a filler vegetable for soups. But I couldn’t tell you a tangentially related, humorous anecdote about kohlrabi. Nope, I couldn’t do that. OR COULD I?

Still nope. See that was a little thing called a transitional sentence setup. It built up all this anticipatory desire in you to read on, but when you did, you found that nothing had really changed. That’s pretty damn anti-climactic, isn’t it? I thought so, too. Which is why TWISTING THE PLOT, BRO. Sorry, I did it again. I’m a habitual liar. I can’t help myself sometimes. Like when I see sliced kohlrabi and a shaker of sea salt sitting on the counter. Boom, sudden kohlrabi anecdote. I lied AGAIN! Believe me, I’m as disappointed in this post as you are.

OR AM I? Wait, that sentence needed to go up at the end of the last paragraph! Damn. I’d edit it, but it’s too late. This is all stream of conscious, first person P.O.V. narrative. This is just my experiences. Oh dude! I just remembered how I used to mispronounce kohlrabi so it sounded like I was saying “Cholera-be”. That wouldn’t be very enticing to eat. Cholera. That’s a disease that makes you spray a dangerous amount of liquid shit out your ass. That’s the direct opposite of kohlrabi, which is high in fiber content, making you shit a normal amount of solidified shit. This post just got gross. I’m sorry about that. OR AM I?

Nailed it. Nailed this post so hard. Just like I nailed up a picture of kohlrabi with outdated, left-justified paragraph nails. Only we don’t use nails on the internet. We use <HTML> and other web languages. Web programmers are just futuristic construction workers, man. What’s that got to do with kohlrabi, you ask? Nothing. It has nothing to do with kohlrabi But you already knew that. OR DID YOU?

Stop reading this post and eat some kohlrabi. It’s pretty good.


Potato Of The Day Episode 45

SATURNpeachYo, you, over there! Yeah, you! The one with the face. Let me ask you a question. Why the hell aren’t we exploring space yet? Seriously, dude. What’s up with that? We should be out there in the stars, cruising through wormholes, bending space-time, warp driving ourselves to far-off rocks rotating in the great, dark abyss. Think about the things we could find! Think about all the life, the death, the purgatory, hidden away in the shadows of stars. Think about the possibilities. It’s all out there. You know how I know it’s out there? That fruit.

You know what that fruit is right there? That’s a SATURN peach. SATURN. You know, the PLANET? You know, in SPACE? THAT PRETTY MUCH CONFIRMS THAT THIS PEACH IS AN ALIEN SPECIES BIRTHED IN PLANETARY RINGS. Oh sure, I’m admittedly no Prunus perscia expert, so I can’t actually say that it’s legitimately from Saturn, but I’m going to take the colloquial name at face value here and ride with it. A SATURN peach. That’s a hell of a lot more exotic than your lowly Georgia peach. Get out of here with your Earth fruit. I want that intergalactic shit. Then again, I am the kind of guy who’s really into space fruit, I guess. 

Imagine what other foods we could harvest in space…  Mercury pork chops! Pluto (R.I.P. planetary status. Shout out to true believers who still rep hard for the Solar System Nine.) hotcakes! Martian macaroni! Shhhhh. Don’t give me that “macaroni is processed food that’s one hundred percent manmade” naysaying. We don’t know what macaroni does in space. If Saturn shits out peaches, why can’t noodles sprout on Mars?

That SATURN peach was pretty damn delicious. I need more cosmic cooking. Send me all the alien food! Give me Neptune eggnog! Give me Venus waffles! Give me Jupiter hoagies! It’s all delicious. It’s all perfect. It’s all OUT OF THIS WORLD. There’s not a single food item whose celestial counterpart fails in comparison. Not even desserts. Picture how satisfyingly moist and delicious it would be to take a big ole’ chomp into a piping hot brownie straight from the gaseous depths of Uranus!

Yup. This entire post was a whole lot of meaningless build up to a terrible poop joke. It’s Monday. Deal with it.