If you happen to live under a rock, you missed Dave Chappelle’s SNL monologue – which has been coined one of the best ever. In the last 2 minutes of that, he tells a heartwarming story of a BET party, the White House… and Bradley Cooper?
Just let Dave tell it at the 9-minute mark:
Some may have wondered if this was just Chappelle hyperbole to make a point… well “Dave, you got your Block Party, I got my Block Party”:
Usher has been sort of a lingerer at the White House and the Cavs locker room, respectively. What DOES Usher DO? Anyway, just let him cover James Brown:
In the most neck-hair-raising performance of the night, Miss Yolanda Adams and Comm Sense sing Selma’s “GLORY”. Warning, these vocals are not for the faint at soul:
Nothing to see here, just Barack Hussein him damn self electric slidin the end of the party with Samuel L. Jackson to Al Green’s “Love & Happiness”:
After the party it’s the after-party and… Somewhere in that sea of black beauty is Bradley Cooper Swag Surfin as well:
OPE… there goes Usher again at the after-party. Seriously, WHAT DOES that guy DO?
Oh yea, he also said a buncha stuff, and Miss Jilly from Philly performed if you wanna see that:
Who did this? Internet, you’re on time-out ONCE AGAIN. We can’t enjoy ONE moment without you ruining it. I’M OUT
Siya and I have debated the definitely-not-happening animal uprising, World War Zoo, in this space many, many times before. But this may be the first time I’ve actually had to concede a point to Siya. He’s right: our pets are breaking free. But not to start a war with humans. No, that would be ridiculous and require organization and planning that our neocortex-less counterparts just aren’t capable of. Instead our furry friends are breaking free for the right reasons. Because they can, man. Because they can.
Look at that dog run! Look how free he looks! Look how HAPPY he is! You can’t tell him NOTHING. He’s gonna run the bases and ya’ll can just wait for him to be done running. Look at those little legs! Look at that tiny tongue! Look at that wild weiner! That’s a one pooch party. What’s up shortstop; you ain’t fielding this grounder! See ya, later security; can’t cuff this canine! Oh hey pet owner; can’t leash the beast! The PARTY beast!
They said it was to be a short race for a bunch of short dogs. But dude, you can’t tell tell that dog how to live its life. That dog’s decided for himself, thank you very much.
Do you feel that energy, that buzzing hive, swarming forth, swallowing up the sun? Do you feel that deep rumble, the ground swelling upward, cracking, crumbling away into emerging canyon gaps? Do you feel that fluster, gathering gusts of wind, levitating you up, up, up and away? Of course you feel it! Of course you’ve got that chaos pulsing through your veins! Of course your adrenaline is peaking at an all-time high! How could you not be pumped right now?! HOW COULD YOU NOT BE JACKED?? You don’t need a goddamned grandfather clock. You don’t need a watch. You don’t need a stealth pocket glance at your phone. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. That’s right. IT’S PARTY TIME. It is? OH HELL YES IS! Why? BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS IN THE GODDAMNED HOUSE THAT’S WHY!
Oh yeah, just look at that sparkling red, gorgeous piece of pepper pimping out right there. Do you have chills? I have chills. See those pimply bumps bouncing out from your skin, those little camel humps of pure human scream? YOUR BODY MADE THOSE BECAUSE IT CAN’T EVEN CONTAIN YOUR HYPE RIGHT NOW. That feeling you’ve got creeping up in your temples? That’s the orgasmic flood of endorphin riding dolphins swimming through your brain tubes. That’s the feeling of your brain bleeding rocket ships into the night sky. That’s the feeling of pure, uncut Red Bell Pepper. Yeah, Red Bell Pepper is so dope it is your dope. Get hooked. Don’t fight it! Just give in and let the eye-bulging anarchy spray ocean waves of kinetic rainbows from your eye-hole sockets. BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS THE FUCKING PARTY YOU DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO ASK FOR. BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS THE PARTY YOU DESERVE.
This is it, the hype train is reaching terminal velocity. The sky is cracking open. Lightning is our new oxygen. We’re all hoverboarding birds now. We don’t need wings. We don’t need our hair, or muscles, or bone. WHAT’S THE POINT OF SKIN? Just let your soul burst out of your body in the brilliant bright crimson tornado that is Red Bell Pepper! WE’RE HERE NOW. THERE’S NO STOPPING IT. THIS IS OUR TIME IN THE SUN! ARE YOU MOTHAFUCKAS READY TO BRING THE FUCKIN’ RUCKUS?! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKAS READY TO BURN IT ALL DOWN AND BUILD IT BACK UP?! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKAS READY TO GET MOTHAFUCKIN’ RED MOTHAFUCKIN’ BELL PEPPER UP IN THIS BITCH?!
OH FUCK YEAH YOU ARE.
You CAN NOT play this only once, and your party won’t mind at all (if they do, they can host at their own damn house). Not sure if its the hypnotiq hook, or the lullaby flow there’s just some element that makes your wild night at the bar feel like meditation at a ashram. Okay, I may not be sellin the Turn-Up-TURNIP here, but JUST KNOW!