NOBODY Loves Avocados Likes This “Grateful” Kid… NOBODY

1st of all, let’s get one thing straight. NOBODY likes avocados THAT much. We put up with them, for the guacamole. That’s really about it. Ben pointed out with a Potato Of The Day 47 how Big Avocado is hard at work in the slimy, disgusting business. The ruse clearly got to THIS toddler. Here’s several reasons why I call B.S. 😉 on this reaction:

a)Kids are anti-veggies AS IS. Don’t believe me? Please, tell me how you would pitch AVOCADO to a kid. Where do you start? Is it the great bland taste? The slimey green nothingness? Hm?

ii) It’s the kid’s BIRTHDAY. Remember those? They came once a year, and the whole world would stop to recognize your existence at least for a song, and until you had no more cake to feed the fake excitement? Despite all the hoopla, it’s fair to expect a TREAT to your desires on that one day. Anything ranging from a toy car, trip to Chuck-E-Cheese (IN THE BAHAMAS), or maybe a U.S. Green Card would be acceptable. But, AN AVOCADO? GTFOH!

3) That kid’s either a future Academy Award winning actor, or he is an informed idiot.  He clearly passed the “gratitude test” (which, btw WTF kinda draconian parenting trick was that, DAD OF THE YEAR?). More notably, the kid’s 5 TOPS… WHY and HOW does he know what an avocado IS? AT WHAT POINT in his life so far has anyone brought him THAT useless piece of information? Watch the video and judge for yourselves.

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Five Tips For Surviving Your New School

firstday-of-school

Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.

Assert Yourself
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”

Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.

Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!

Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.

When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!

Would You Trust This Drone Auto-Stroller With Your Baby?

Volkswagen is excited to show off their precision robotic control systems.  One could say they’re all gag-a for them ;). So much so, that they implemented them into a baby stroller, and the results will have you wincing at the autonomous driving extreme with auto-breaks. We can barely trust roomba’s, can you trust these? Check it out:

Monday Motivation: Super Bowl Champ James Harrison – “Good Ain’t Good Enough, KIDS!”

“Everybody’s a winner in P.E.”, they said. “At least you tried”, you might think. “Get em next time, tiger”, you might have heard. WELL NOT IN THE HOUSE OF 2-time Super Bowl Champ and 5-time Pro Bowler, James Harrison you DON’T!  Maybe its the training camp, and pre-season Summer heat, or maybe that’s just the guy rolls, but when his kids got an all too familiar pat on the back – he was NOT HAVIN IT. He even shared with the world his #HarrisonFamilyValues :

In short, WE.Don’t.Play.THAT. Sorry, BEN! Somebody gotta pay for that life-refreshing Pomegranate! The sweet juice of the gods ain’t gonna find its way to your cup on its own. Want the glory of anti-oxidants, YOU BETTER WORK. YOU READING THIS… YES, YOU (guy in the mirror, too)! As this week starts, no matter how long it takes to get to speed, YOU BETTER WORK. EARN IT!

…sometimes your best is not enough, and that should drive you to want to do better…not cry and whine until somebody gives you something to shut u up and keep you happy.

P.s.
As. L.A. Times reminds us: “Harrison was a college walk-on who went undrafted in the NFL and was signed and released several times before finally making it with the Steelers. He went on to become the league’s defensive player of the year in 2008 and is a five-time Pro Bowl selection.” So if ANYBODY can back that kinda sentiment up, it’s this guy.

Potato Of The Day Episode 79

cabbagetoyAHHHH YEAH, HERE WE GO! Random throwback on a MONDAY! We rocked an 80s Morning Commute, so why not rock some old school, 80s produce? Yeah I’m talking about CABBAGE, the original inspiration for the original pop culture craze, the Cabbage Patch Kids. Did you know that those vintage Cabbage Patch dolls can fetch hundreds of dollars on eBay? SEEMS LIKE A COLOSSAL WASTE OF MONEY, RIGHT? Especially when you can rock the INSPIRATION for your childhood imagination for SIXTY CENTS A FUCKING POUND! I know this a lot of calculus for a Monday so stay with me you guys, but it turns out you’d save roughly infinity dollars if you purchased infinity heads of cabbage instead of infinity Cabbage Patch Kids. #MINDBLOWINGMATH!

Plus, if you have kids (Which lolz remember being FREE to just live life and do whatever you want? Oh shit, sorry. Don’t get so sad. Hey kids are fun, too! Your genetics are surviving through your offspring! Oh, you adopted? Well… saving lives, right? Right? GIVE IT TIME AND THE NEST WILL EMPTY!) isn’t it much more educational to rock actual cabbage instead of a doll of…  well, imaginary cabbage? I mean yeah, it’s probably not the best for a child’s social life to be the kid at school playing with vegetables during recess. But then again, getting kids on board with healthy foods is a very Granola Mom thing to do! DON’T YOU WANT YOUR KIDS TO BE #HEALTHY? Also, have you guys actually ever taken the time to read up on Cabbage Patch Kids? They’re some wickedly demented shit! Here, let’s recap their backstory in one run-on sentence:

Cabbage Patch CHILDREN were discovered by a pocket-knife wielding little boy named Xavier who accidentally stumbled into their unholy breeding patch when he was seduced by a mutant bee/bunny cross-bred monstrosity called the Bunnybee into a deep, dark cave lined with the glistening sparkle of crystal meth and poisonous vine growth where secret babies of organic produce are birthed from the mouths of cabbage heads being kept alive by a steady supply of Bunnybee provided PCP. This is all true.

So yeah, call me crazy, but I’d much rather have my future children play with fistfuls of vegetables, learning valuable lessons about frugality and the inevitable death and decay of everything you love, than to be frolicking around with Angel Dust covered test tube children. BUT MAYBE THAT’S JUST ME.