Thank New Daily Show Host Trevor Noah, If You’re 1 Of These 3 Americans!

It’s about TIME! Do you realize how many times I have heard you people speak and wanted to tear my hair out??? A lot, that’s how much! This is why I don’t have the dreadlocks I was destined to have.

{Ben’s Note: Woah, woah, woah! What the fuck do you mean “YOU PEOPLE”?}

Here’s a test. Read the following words out loud: “NIKE”… “AUNT”… “ZEBRA”. Easy, right?

If you’re one of these 3 people, you are “YOU PEOPLE”, and I hate you. Fix Yourself:

1. You read the sports apparel name as “ny-kee”. -_- Oh, you did? When did you learn to ride a “bi-kee”, huh? Think this will get a buncha “li-kees” when you share it with your dumb friends on facebook-ee? WELL, DO YA, PUNK-EE?

2. Your parent’s sister is actually a small disproportionately strong insect. She lives in an ant-hill, and serves the collective will of the colony. Why else would you pronounce her title like that?  You should be pronouncing it like the delicious pastry “croissANT”. On another note, French is idiotic too. Way dumber. Let’s just surrender that battle of pronunciation and hope Americans have a plan to help.

3. Ever met a chick named Debra? I bet you did, and thought “I’ll have NO problem pronouncing THAT girl’s name. Debra… Debra Debra Debra Debraaaaa”  Then, you were smacked in the head with a stupid stick, and when you saw this striped animal, your brain forgot how to pronounce her name, and that’s why you should thank my fellow South African, Trevor Noah for restoring your speech and pathology here:

Calm DOW: 2 Reasons To Ease Fear Of A “Black Monday”

Say it with me: “THIS IS NOT ANOTHER 2008 CRASH”. It is not even close. Natural bear markets are simply not the same as fundamentally and functionally flawed market practices that landed the World Economy in the worst crisis since the Great Depression. Lost Ya? Fine. Maybe Apple CEO Tim Cook, and Donald Trump can help (yea, comin in EARLY with the Donald mention this week – we know you missed it). Here’s a quick 1-2 punch at your unfounded fears of a “Black Monday” (big shout out to Chuck D, and Flavor Flav of course)

  1. Understand CHINESE Economics:
    china econ infograph benandsiyablog

America is currently the largest economy by far nominally (about $18 Trillion to #2 China’s $11).  But, that won’t be true for long. With China’s population sitting around 4 times the size of America’s (1.3 BILLION PEOPLE) and a middle class around the size of ALL  AMERICANS. Put simply, that’s about 350 Million people with more than enough money to survive and buy Nike shoes, and iPhones.  The more of these that are bought by this Chinese middle class, the more stock speculation money investors who bet on that happening worldwide get to cash in on. While, last week we found out that China isn’t growing as fast as your 401K and retirement fund managers might like – this isn’t the end of the world.  As more and more Chinese people move out of poverty into the middle class, China will become the world’s undisputed economic champion – at least for a while. This is inevitable. Managing the road there has proved a challenge for the centrally controlled mixed markets in Beijing, but we’ll get there sometime mid-century one way or another. So, when your favorite Presidential candidate says:

He maybe right about the planning part, but unless he’s gettin ready to quadriple America’s population and spending dollar real quick (watch out, ladies 😉 ), there’s nothing any coming President can do about this rising tide from the east – and really why would you want to?

SO BASICALLY: All speculation is not equal worldwide. China is figuring out how to act with new money. Give it some time, and stop betting on that economy to perform like America’s matured markets… (in bed)  

2. Slippery OIL Prices:
oil price raised benandsiyablog

As China grows and slows (together with all other BRICS countries), they almost form the wake on which the next best markets surf on. So when that Boat slows down, the wake breaks, and fun times come to ugly splashes from all those dependent on sustainable (and more importantly STABLE) Chinese economic growth. Where there is growth, manufacturing plants need to be built and property needs to be bought to house them. That’s usually a result of more things needing to be made in the manufacturing sector for a population that has more income to buy more cars, iPhones, and chocolate, for instance.

Seeing as today’s main source of fuel for continued growth and keeping the economic engine greasy on that is oil, its easy to see how that drives presumed supply and demand. Oil “supply and demand”, however, is based on speculation… speculation that China would continue to grow and need more oil at some arbitrarily expected pace.  This means OPEC (oil monopoly) keeps up the million barrels a day rate of supply, while the real world only needs half that. When that China growth slows down, and they DON’T need as much oil as speculated – market oil prices reflect the lessening demand by pummeling the barrel price below $40.

SO BASICALLY: As the saying goes, “follow the money”. Nothing follows market monies as consistently as oil  and other commodity prices.  Far too often, oil prices follow the fast money (market speculation) so closely that they’ll happily walk into a wall with it, causing even more volatility. We’re producing more of something we don’t need more off. Good for your car fill up price, bad for your retirement plan.
This is a comment on how oil markets work, not on how well your GE, IBM, or Apple is doing. In fact, here’s part of an e-mail from Apple CEO Tim Cook sent to Finance jester, Jim Cramer just this morning:

I continue to believe that China represents an unprecedented opportunity over the long term as LTE penetration is very low and most importantly the growth of the middle class over the next several years will be huge

There you have it! Having a cold, or even a week of pneumonia or mono is not a death sentence. It is manageable. You’ll be fine.
I talked to texted a few investor friends on trading floors across the country watching that fateful “DOW” that was trending twice on twitter this morning, and opened at a negative -1,000 points, and they all agree that after a 6-year bull-run (constant growth), a correction of real stock asset prices was inevitable. Instead of 4-5 million iPhones or Nike Sneakers, China will buy closer to 3 million. CALM DOW! #NoTypo

FY Friday: Riff Raff – “TiP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWDiNZ”

Riff Raff lives somewhere between mythical world of “is-he-for-real?-What’re-we-even-doing-here?” and Planet “I-can’t-stop-watchin… $hit-now-I-like-it”. Lil B The Based God is from this place, for reference. Unlike the humble Based God, Riff Raff is a high roller. So much so, that his alias is in fact, “Jody Highroller”, or “Jody” for short”. So it’s no surprise that women from space are intrigued by his shoe game. Lace your J’s up, and tip toe into the weekend wit this one:

Potato Of The Day Episode 38

broccoliartBroccoli is that dude/female dude that shows up one day with an alien abduction haircut, a shear and gel follicle sculpture spray painted deep shades of decidedly non-hair spectrum colors, twisting and twirling designs clipped, trimmed, and burnt into the grass surrounding the cranial vault. You know the type of haircut I’m talking about. The type of haircut that gets grandpa hot and bothered, boiling to the point where he whistles gentle racist whispers to himself about the Vietcong. The type of haircut Dennis Rodman births in his wet dreams, dreadlocked delusions escaping the nocturnal world, driving wildly through reality in a tie-dyed minivan on a road of acid gummy bears.  The type of haircut that latches into your mind, a parasitic eraser, wiping clean your ability to think of anything else.

You kind of hate it the first time you see it. You murmur “douchebag” to yourself. You laugh. But deep down, deep down you wish you have the small-intestinal fortitude to actually brand your skull that way. Shh, no, no. It’s okay. I’m that way, too. We’re all that way, the large majority of us. We’re not the chosen ones. We’re not the flowering broccoli heads of the world. We’re the practical people. We’re the rational. The sane. The ones who’d keep their hallucinatory hairs in the imagination cloud storage where they belong.

Oh sure, we can veer from our lanes you and I. I did once. And I missed the mark. I had a barber carve a Nike swoosh into the back of my head as a child, a furry homage to Michael Jordan and my love of commercialized factory fabrications. Yes, I branded myself with a brand in a vapid, desperate attempt at artistic stylization. You know what that resulted in? Nothing. Because hollow, imitated art isn’t art at all. It’s a forgery. It’s inorganic. It’s not befitting of Broccoli.

So Broccoli, you know what, keep doing your thing. Keep spraying your artistic insanity across the world, bathing the lot of us normal folk in your hairy holy water. Keep living your life with lusting locks. Keep doing you.  Because that’s the Broccoli way. Someday, I hope I can say it’s the Ben way, too.