Potato Of The Day Episode 95

redbananasHey guys, your momma’s so fat, the grocer sold her as a plantain! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh what’s the matter bananas, you feeling a little red? You know, because your skin’s pigmentation and whatnot! #BURN. Just like your sunburnt looking ass! GOTCHA AGAIN! So I heard that red bananas have a slight mango flavor. You know who else has a slight mango flavor? YOUR MOM! Because she’s also a red banana, and human beings like me eat red bananas so therefore I’d know what she tastes like. HA! Get it? No? Gosh, you red bananas really aren’t enjoying this, huh? What gives? Seriously, why so angry guys? What are you, Bruce Bananer? Well two can play that game. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M HUNGRY! HAHAHA!

Oh hush, calm down guys, there’s no reason to get yourself in a bunch. #TOOLATE! #SICKBURNTHESEQUEL. I didn’t realize you guys had such thin peels! You know, instead of skin. That’s a sick play on words, banabros. Woah, woah, woah! Where are you guys going? Okay, okay, my bad! There’s no reason to split! HAAAAAAAAA! Sorry you guys, I just can’t help myself. Unless we’re talking about a profitable export from East Africa, in which case, I can’t help you because you’ve already been picked! Haa… wait, that one wasn’t very good. Kind of like you, am I ripe? HIGH FIVE THIS PLAYA! Oh wait, you can’t! Because your fruit is called a finger, not a hand!

Alright, alright, I know I’m not being fair. I need to give you a chance to return fire. So hit me with it red bananas, give me your sickest burn. ROAST ME!

Annnd… that would have been a great comeback for a SILENT film. You know, because you didn’t say anything? You know, because you don’t have mouths to make sounds with? You know, because silent films also didn’t have mouth sounds in them. HA! Man, am I on a roll today or what? Just like you when you’re covered in cream cheese! BOOM! Pastry recipe humor in the house! I like you guys. Really, I do! I think it’s all that potassium. Without it, you’d really be cramping my style! Oh boy, someone spray me down cause I’m on FIRE! Just don’t hose the bananas, that’s their skin, not flames! #TWOTHINGSTHATARERED

Okay, this has been fun guys, but I need to run. You’ve been great, a real top banana! For real guys, you don’t need to listen to anymore of my banana oil! I mean this has been a real banana skin for you! #SEQUENTIALBANANAIDIOMS Okay, maybe just one more! PENIS, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS. Ha! Well, that one could use some work. It was sort of low hanging fruit! I know, why don’t you go hang out in a banana hammock until I figure it out… HA! Get it? Because, penis. From before. Jokes. Ben out!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 93

littlewhitebuttonmushroomOnce upon a time, the White Button family had decided to go on vacation, a long road trip to do some sightseeing. They were all set, packed, and ready to go. Well, that is except for Little White Button, who was having a very difficult time deciding what to bring with in the car.

“But Pa, I need all my clothing,” said Little White Button.

“All your clothing?” asked Pa White Button.

“Yes! What if it gets cold, or hot, or it rains, or snows, or there’s wind, or I spill, or get uncomfortable, or need a disguise?” replied Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s clothing into the car, packing parkas and pants, swimsuits and sweaters, tights and Toadstool costumes, and on and on and on, until the closet was empty and there were no more clothes to pack.

“Are you ready to go now?” asked Pa White Button.

“No, no! I need my books! It’s a long trip. I’ll need to read,” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s books into the car, packing away Where the Wild Truffles Are, and Chanterelle’s Web, and Goodnight Morel, and on and on and on, until the bookshelves were bare and there were no more books to pack.

“Okay, are you all set now?” asked Pa White Button.

“Oh Pa, one more thing! I need my toys! What if I get bored, or lonely?” said Little White Button.

“Okay, if that’s what you need, that’s what you need,” said Pa White Button.

And so he loaded all of Little White Button’s toys into the car, packing away stuffed bears and bobcats, and jackals and jaguars, and leopards and lions, and on and on and on, until the toy box was barren and there were no more of Little White Button’s collection of Harmless Stuffed Carnivores left to pack.

“Okay, that’s everything, Pa. I’m ready. Let’s go!” said Little White Button.

“Ah, I’m sorry Little White Button, but you’re not going anywhere,” replied Pa White Button.

“We’re not?” asked Little White Button.

“No, no. We, that is your mother and I, are going, but I’m afraid you’ll have to stay behind,” said Pa White Button.

“Why’s that, Pa?” asked Little White Button.

“Because with all your stuff in the car, I’m afraid there just isn’t mushroom left!” spouted Pa White Button.

And everyone laughed happily ever after! The end.

Potato Of The Day Episode 70

lemonjuiceknockknockThis morning I witnessed a conversation between two voices in my head. I’ve transcribed it below. Warning: It was dumb.

-Begin transcript-

Ben 1: Knock Knock!
Ben 2: I don’t like Knock Knock jokes.
Ben 1: Knock. Knock.
Ben 2: Ugh, fine. Who’s there?
Ben 1: Lemon!
Ben 2: Lemon who?
Ben 1: Lemon who-se!
Ben 2: …
Ben 1: Lemon WHOce? WHO-sssssssss? Get it?
Ben 2: Who’s what?
Ben 1: No, like HOO-sssssss. Think about it. Mouth it out like sound of owl, sound of snake…
Ben 2: Hoot hiss? That doesn’t make sense. Lemon Hoot Hiss? Is that a thing?
Ben 1: You’re not doing it right. Owls go HOO. Snakes go SSSSSSSSS.
Ben 2: Snakes do not go ssssssssss. They go hiss.
Ben 1: No, that’s cats. Cats hiss when threatened, like if they see a snake ssssssssing at them.
Ben 2: No… just, no. That is definitely NOT a thing.
Ben 1: Knock Knock!
Ben 2: What.
Ben 1: Snake!
Ben 2: Snake who?
Ben 1: Snake goes ssssssssssss.
Ben 2: That’s not even a joke!
Ben 1: Correct, it’s a fact. Snakes go sssssssssss.
Ben 2: There’s not even any vowels in that word! THAT’S NOT A THING!
Ben 1: It was lemon juice. The first joke. Who-se. Juice. It’s close.
Ben 2: Oh.
Ben 1: Yeah, well…. Yeah. I guess I should go now.
Ben 2: Probably, yeah.
Ben 1: I was just trying to have fun, you know? Later man.
Ben 2: …
Ben 1: …
Ben 2: Hey, hey. Wait up! Just.. uh… well, Knock Knock.
Ben 1: For real?! Who’s there?
Ben 2: I hate myself for this but… snake.
Ben 1: SNAKE WHO?
Ben 2: Snake in the LEMONgrasssssssssssss.
Ben 1: HEYO!
Ben 2: …
Ben 1: We’re not good at Knock Knock jokes, are we?
Ben 2: Not at all.

-End transcript-

See? That WAS dumb, wasn’t it? You’re welcome.