Did you feel that cold sting this morning, that sudden blast of chill scraping against your cheek? The black hand of fall is officially here, driven forth in a sleigh named October. Great. Look, I don’t care if you’re a fall person, that’s dope, whatever, enjoy your cinnamon tinted cider and display worthy Speckled Swan Gourds, but even you, the biggest fanatical fall loving, sweater seasoning rocking, disciple of painted leaves, can cop to fall’s dirty secret: it’s a harbinger of death.
I’m not just talking total life death either, the collapse of the living green we call nature. I’m talking depicted death, the pinnacle of bloodletting movie season. I’m talking costumed death, the macabre celebrations of masked men parading as monsters. I’m talking commercial death, the condescending crapshoot of politico propamercials and forced holiday consumerism. Winter might be the bleakest of deathly moments, but Black Friday is its flirty cousin. And October marks the start of all of that bullshit.
In cynical celebration of our favorite death celebrating season, we’re going all out on fear based topics this month. Call it Halloween homage if you will, but recognize that we’re just trying to get by, sticking our heads deep down in the pile of decaying leaves blowing up against your front door, hiding away from the truth: warm weather is gone, everything is dying, winter is knocking, we’re all fucking doomed. Stay tuned.
…it’d be worth $38,953,200! (Give or take some current cost of gold price rounding. Don’t get all technical with me, dude. Not cool.) ANYWAY, THAT’S A LOT OF MONEY! You could buy the world’s most expensive car with that much money!
But as it turns out, pumpkins actually aren’t worth their weight in gold. So really, you couldn’t. Sorry. Bummer city, bro. 😦 Aw, don’t get all sad! Let’s silver lining the shit out of this! According to this randomly selected article, pumpkins are worth $4.73 a pound, meaning that pumpkin’s true value is closer to $10,145.85. THAT’S NOT BAD FOR A PUMPKIN! In fact, with that much money, you could definitely buy a used 2012 Smart Fortwo. Sure, it’s not a Ferrari, but it is a car, a car that just so happens to weigh less than that pumpkin!
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting really sick of this creeping acorn squash season bullshit. I mean, come on. It’s not even September yet. Why the hell are acorn squashes on display? Can’t we let our kids finish going back to school before we put those out? Do we really need to just sweep all the bright red Delicious apples under the rug already? This is madness. NO ONE NEEDS AN ACORN SQUASH IN AUGUST. No one. No, shut up. You don’t need one. I know you don’t. You’re just being a dick.
Think about it. When was the last time you bought an acorn squash? Maybe, what, January? Exactly. Because it’s a fucking WINTER squash. Does it look like winter outside to you right now? If it does, ease off the LSD dude. You’re in too deep. There’s no logical explanation for a winter squash to be rocking the grocery store shelf in late August. The first day of FALL isn’t for another month. Sure, sure, call me a denialist all you want, but I don’t need to be rocking winter seasonal squash when we’re over an entire SEASON away from winter. THAT’S LUNACY!
And it’s not just acorn squash. It’s everything. Halloween candy is in stock now! Because who wouldn’t want to stock their cabinets full of high fructose corn syrup 67 days before they’ll need it? You’ll only be at the store, what, a dozen, a dozen and a half, more times before then! WHAT IF YOU FORGOT?!!!? (Okay, shush, don’t be person who brings up my paper towel problems. It’s not fair to use me against me.) And heaven forbid you don’t have your candy corn ready to rock before Labor Day. WHO COULD BEAR THAT FUCKING TRAVESTY?
This isn’t acorn squash’s fault. Acorn squash didn’t decide to put itself on display in August. In fact, acorn squash has never made a decision in its entire life. That’s because it’s squash, a decidedly non-sentient object. But you know who is sentient? You know who can think? You know who can make decisions? You. Yes, you can. Even you, LSD dude. So when you’re out grocery shopping this week, make the right choice. Don’t give in. Don’t buy an out of season acorn squash. Don’t be an enabler to the creep of acorn squash season. You’re better than that. We all are.