Geno Smith, the Jets’ starting quarterback, is officially out 6-10 weeks following the news that he was sucker punched in the face by a teammate, linebacker Ikemefuna Enemkpali. Enemkpali was immediately released following the incident. So it turns out you get fired if you go all Ronda Rousey on the leader of your team’s face. Who knew!
In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation as Enemkpali, here are five things you should, would, and could do instead of sucker punching your quarterback in the face!
Give him a Wet Willy.
Yes, Wet Willies are totally childish, but they’re not nearly as childish as breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. So instead of socking a few teeth loose, why not let loose with a saliva covered finger all up in his ear drum? Isn’t that satisfying? Well you can’t do that if his cheeks have swollen so large they cover his ear holes.
Leave a bag of flaming dog shit on his doorstep.
This is a CLASSIC gotcha gag. It’s also classically less violent than breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. Think about how smelly his shoes will be after he stomps out the flames, getting hot, goopy dog shit stuck in Nike treads! Now think about how he probably can’t smell anything if you force his face to swell up like the Goodyear blimp because you broke his jaw with a sucker punch to the face.
Throw him a surprise party and spell his name wrong on the sign.
The look on his face will be so funny when he sees that you didn’t even take the time to spell check his name! Which is the opposite of the look on his face when you clobber it into a thousand broken shards of jaw bone, removing his ability to emote. Throw parties, not fists!
Make mean memes about him.
AKA pull a Drake. As a Canadian, Drake is stellar at non-violent forms of conflict. So instead of balling up your fist and throwing it at your quarterback, why not pretend to be Canadian? Think about all the funny captions you could put around a picture of Geno Smith. You could write something like “Can’t spell ‘Geno Smith is the quarterback of the Jets’ without ‘INT’”. But you can’t fit that much text around a picture if the picture is of your quarterback’s moon-sized swollen face.
Drive him into the middle of nowhere, steal his cell phone and wallet, and make him walk home.
You really shouldn’t do this to anybody, but if you’re really, really mad, this is a lot nicer than cratering your quarterback’s face with your knuckle Mjölnir. He’ll be all lost and confused and it might even take him a whole day to find his way home. Which is still 6-10 weeks shorter than the time it would take to heal his pulverized jaw fragments if you sucker punch him in the face. That’s a win for everybody! Especially your quarterback’s face.