Throwback Thursday: Fresh Prince 25th Anniversary

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of Jaden’s Dad’s coming of age.  West Philadelphia was too small for him, and he took a cab… ALL THE WAY to Bel-Air. There, in time, he became KING! Sorry, that’s T.I.P. comin live from the V.I.P. Will Smith, however became the FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR. He told the story better:

4 Reasons To Be Excited 4 Colbert, The Greatest Night Show Host

So, George Bush – GREAT president, or the GREATEST president?” In the golden years of the Colbert Report,”Stephen ” the conservative, loud-mouthed, self proclaimed “truth-feeler” often asked his exasperated guests to answer that one simple question after the 5 minute mental roller coaster of their professional lives.  Tonight, Stephen Colbert debuts to answer a more important question. Here are 4 reasons there is no wrong answer:

1.  Breaking up the JIMMopoly:
Okay, that was slightly terrible, almost as terribly plastic as the content and context has become on the late night tip. The Jimmies are having a field day with ratings, thanks in part to curation for viral video viewership (say that fast 3 times).

When Letterman announced his retirement, he conceded in that old curmudgeon swagger we mentioned on his tribute. In a subsequent Rolling Stone interview he affirmed “I hear about things going viral and I think, ‘How do you do that?’ I think I’m the blockage in the plumbing.”

To date, top Jimmy is pummeling bottom Jimmy so hard in that department, that he went and created another show on a whole other network, and THAT is the #1 Show on THAT network. It’s an entire show where celebrities are lip-syncing other singer’s songs. -_- (I mean REALLY!? What’re we doin here?).

Executive Producer of The Tonight Show, Lorne Michaels now has his hands in creating SNL, subsequently Jimmy Fallon, and now grandfathering America’s karaoke machine. NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT unfunny POWER!  Since Colbert Report ended, my 10:30PM (Central) has been basically Charlie Rose only – into Seth Myers, when I’m not too busy hosting sexy parties.  We shouldn’t have to choose between marginally funny, and topically informative and edgy late night. We can have both! We will, on the Late Show With Stephen Colbert

2. Jon Stewart is gone, Long Live Jon Stewart: Continue reading 4 Reasons To Be Excited 4 Colbert, The Greatest Night Show Host

World War Zoo: Man’s “Best Friend” Betrays The Rock’s Cellphone

Folks, this is a new and disturbing turn in the coming war to set a new world order of the Animal Kingdom. You might be worried about the NSA tappin em, but the dogs are coming for your cellphones! 

Fido waited for his deceased master until he finally joined him in a farm up north 2 years later. Anubis guided the ancient Egyptians through the afterlife, and even Barney stood by POTUS Bush as he choked on that pretzel, got in a fist fight with Cheney fell on the corner of a coffee table, and laid unconscious for minutes. But, were all those acts a ruse? Was all this an act to gain our trust, as these barkin ball-catchers gnaw at our suspicions like the pairs of shoes they all chew as lil runts? {I KNOW YOUR JACK TERRIER TORE MY JORDANS, JANET! THAT’S WHY I PAID FOR NOTHING AT YOUR BARBECUE THIS WEEKEND!}

Ben foreshadowed The Rock’s fate a long time ago, and finally started coming to his senses last week, when he pointed out that this new hip breed of Snoop Doggy Dogs is no longer content with compliance of simple orders like “FETCH. SIT. BEHAVE NORMALLY in this stadium full of loud cheering masses surrounding you on what is probably the best turf of your life” . They’re on a bender to run audibles on their plays, and are more unpredictable than ever.  The greatest of our very own humans learned that the hard way this past Labor Day Weekend. We mourn the family pictures and music Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson lost in that mobile phone. Read his horrifying account from his Instagram page:

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Here's a fun Labor Day weekend story… We just decided to add two new members to our Johnson family. Baby French Bulldogs. In my right hand is BRUTUS and in my left hand is HOBBS. Bring them home and immediately take them outside so they can start learning how to "handle their business and potty like big boys". I set them both down and they both take off in a full sprint and fall right into the deep end of our pool. HOBBS immediately starts doggy paddling while BRUTUS (like a brick) sink heads first to the bottom of the pool. I take off into a full sprint, fully clothed, dive in the pool, swim to the bottom, rescue my brick, I mean BRUTUS and bring him back to the edge of the pool. He was a little delirious.. took a moment, threw up all the water he swallowed and looked up at me as if to say, "Thank God you didn't have to give me mouth to mouth!" and then ran off to play with his brother. A few lessons I've learned today.. A) Not all puppies have the instinct to doggie paddle. B) Some puppies (like BRUTUS) will be so in shock by experiencing water they will sink extremely fast so react quick. C) While spiriting to save your puppies life, before you dive in, try and throw your cel phone to safety. Don't keep it in your pocket… like I did. #BRUTUSLives #HOBBSCanSwim #MyCelPhonesDead #AndNoMouthToMouthNeeded #HappyLaborDay

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Thank New Daily Show Host Trevor Noah, If You’re 1 Of These 3 Americans!

It’s about TIME! Do you realize how many times I have heard you people speak and wanted to tear my hair out??? A lot, that’s how much! This is why I don’t have the dreadlocks I was destined to have.

{Ben’s Note: Woah, woah, woah! What the fuck do you mean “YOU PEOPLE”?}

Here’s a test. Read the following words out loud: “NIKE”… “AUNT”… “ZEBRA”. Easy, right?

If you’re one of these 3 people, you are “YOU PEOPLE”, and I hate you. Fix Yourself:

1. You read the sports apparel name as “ny-kee”. -_- Oh, you did? When did you learn to ride a “bi-kee”, huh? Think this will get a buncha “li-kees” when you share it with your dumb friends on facebook-ee? WELL, DO YA, PUNK-EE?

2. Your parent’s sister is actually a small disproportionately strong insect. She lives in an ant-hill, and serves the collective will of the colony. Why else would you pronounce her title like that?  You should be pronouncing it like the delicious pastry “croissANT”. On another note, French is idiotic too. Way dumber. Let’s just surrender that battle of pronunciation and hope Americans have a plan to help.

3. Ever met a chick named Debra? I bet you did, and thought “I’ll have NO problem pronouncing THAT girl’s name. Debra… Debra Debra Debra Debraaaaa”  Then, you were smacked in the head with a stupid stick, and when you saw this striped animal, your brain forgot how to pronounce her name, and that’s why you should thank my fellow South African, Trevor Noah for restoring your speech and pathology here:

Kanye West Lands A HUGE Active Political Endorsement! Guess Who

In case you had a life and missed the VMA’s this last Sunday, Mr. West declared – among other things – that “I have decided, in 2020, to run for President”. That was complete with the mic drop heard around the political arena. It was heard by the none other than the current highest profile presidential candidate who thought:

Somehow there are comparisons made so often, which is interesting… I don’t quite get it

That’s it, America. Are you really that surprised? You MADE this happen. You wanted it. In fact, you were kinda askin for it all along. It’s up to you to keep this going, or call and end to it all. Either way, this is your rodeo now.

See Why Idris Elba Can’t Be James Bond

He is a classically trained actor with an immaculate natural British Accent
That’s way too close to who 007 is. Think about it, that could be confusing to the audience. Don’t black actors speak like rappers with their slang?

He is “Too Street”:
AAAHHH YES… Here we are! Remember The Wire? I remember The Wire! That show was as street as it gets! With all it’s street characters, talkin street talk, committing street-on-street crimes in all their street neighborhoods. YUP. Can’t have that. Just doesn’t fit Bond. Let the man of the hour, author of the next 007 Novel, Anthony Horowitz tell it:

For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond.

He doesn’t take his work seriously.
Just look at him foolin around on set, while Captain Kirk tries to keep it serious (like he usually does). Even in this clip, you can see him trying to take the non-street white lines away from a perfectly capable actor. Watch and laugh:

All jokes aside, Continue reading See Why Idris Elba Can’t Be James Bond

Screw Your Football Team; Let’s Go To The Movies!

Hello again! I hope you enjoyed the summer movie season. Fall is approaching, and with it the return of flying footballs. Since our popular society is built around the sports schedule, it’s inevitably time for football fans around the world to seek out Bleacher Report-sponsored glimmers of hope before that same false hope takes a steaming shit on their face. Like a massive one. Like one of those shits that will start burning through the floor like the acid blood in Alien. All our teams suck.

For the majority of us whose teams are headed for the inevitable disappointing season (and the swelling group that doesn’t give a fuck to begin with), there is hope! Escape to the movies! Fall marks the start of Oscar Season, where studios release potential award suitors alongside their fading summer leftovers, making it the perfect opportunity to hide away from the pains of sport.

Here’s six movies you can use to escape heartbreaking injuries, the annoying dominance of media coverage, and the sound of Siya gurgling Tom Brady’s balls to check for pressure! Continue reading Screw Your Football Team; Let’s Go To The Movies!