Okay, I had a Halloween classic cued up, but scratch that – we know what song you’ll be hearing at every party you go to this Halloween weekend. The booty-call anthem, Hotline Bling of course!
But, wait! Drake ain’t the only Canadian with his phone ringin. Couple hours ago, Young Swaggy (aka Please Belieb Me) cocked his instagram gun like:
Then without warning, fired off a shot into dat Halloween azz full of falsetto from a real Michigan number in what is actually a genius marketing strategy. So, Skip the download or stream on this one. Call in direct to this number 231-377-1113 to hear the tune.
If your phone plan is wack, this
soundcloud user uploaded the phone version for your streaming ease:
Sounds like Ms. Fat Belly Bella is missing Tyrone’s homeboy… why else would she tap him on this Hotline Bling Remix? Move on, ERYKAH – he has. But, until you do, why don’t you drop a sweet freestyle to this new classic for us in the “HOTLINE BLING BUT U CAINT USE MY PHONE” ?
Remember this? Probably not. It’s been a long time. A real long time. That was the FIRST Potato Of The Day. That’s where this nonsense all started. A Snapchat of a Red Idaho Potato just straight chillin’. Remember it now? Remember how I promised that potato wouldn’t go all Drake on us? Remember how I said it’d stay zero forever? Remember that? Well that potato stayed at zero. But you and me? WE MADE TO ONE HUNDRED FUCKING POTATOES. ONE HUNDRED. THAT’S TRIP-DIGITS MOTHAFUCKAS! Give yourself a round of applause. Now point that sound at me. Dude, come on! I’ve earned it.
I know broke some promises along the way. I lied to you a lot. I told you this was POTATO Of The Day, then I threw a bunch of not-potatoes at you. I wrote some fiction. I wrote some gibberish. Hell, I took a stab at haiku. I’d link to those things, but this is the 100th Potato Of The Day. I don’t have to do shit on this on. You can use the search bar for yourself. I also lied about this not going all Drake on our ass. BECAUSE WE WENT 0-100, didn’t we? Nope! Got you! THAT was a lie. We went 1-100. There was never a Potato Of The Day Episode 0, ya dummy.
That very first Potato Of The Day was barely 100 words. Now these things stretch. On Tuesday, I went over 650 words. That’s too many words for a potato. Potatoes can’t read. But you, you CAN read. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for the likes, the shares, the clicks. Thank you for help making these random bursts of insanity worthwhile. Thank you for reading. Not all of them have been great, but it’s great to have you there for all of them.
Potato Of The Day will continue. Just not tomorrow. I’m taking a break. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHY? BECAUSE I’VE DONE ONE HUNDRED OF THESE FUCKING THINGS AND I’M A LITTLE BURNT OUT. FUCK, DUDE. DON’T ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS.
But thanks. For real. And thank you, Red Idaho Potato. You’re still a goddamned inspiration to us all.
They’re gonna look back at the week you’ve had, and how hard you ball out in the weekend! *pause for effect* They’re gonna see how much you’ve ACCOMPLISHED! *pause for effect* They’re gonna see you struttin like the boss you ARE! *pause for effect* That’s because you paid the COST! *pause for effect* They’re gonna see all this, and say “yoooo! WE MADE IT! Let’s celebrate!” *disgusted look* Some might deserve to join you in celebrating the victory over the week, but you’ll need to ask them ALL one question. It’s the theme and refrain of this collaboration by Atlanta’s Future Hendrix, and Toronto’s 6 Man, Drake-Drizzy-Rogers. It’s the same question car chase shawty was asking the cops earlier:
As the philosopher Dave Chappelle once asked White America: “If you get pulled over, wouldn’t you want to turn the radio down? Nobody wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack“. While it took a while, it turns out Dave was wrong. When fellow theorist Lil Jon asked “Turn Down For What” in a follow-up years later, this young go-getter answers NOTHING… even after a high-speed chase with LAPD. Whoo. Because when Future and Drake ask “Where yo ass was at?” To her… she will emphatically reply as she does in this amazing video:
Geno Smith, the Jets’ starting quarterback, is officially out 6-10 weeks following the news that he was sucker punched in the face by a teammate, linebacker Ikemefuna Enemkpali. Enemkpali was immediately released following the incident. So it turns out you get fired if you go all Ronda Rousey on the leader of your team’s face. Who knew!
In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation as Enemkpali, here are five things you should, would, and could do instead of sucker punching your quarterback in the face!
Give him a Wet Willy.
Yes, Wet Willies are totally childish, but they’re not nearly as childish as breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. So instead of socking a few teeth loose, why not let loose with a saliva covered finger all up in his ear drum? Isn’t that satisfying? Well you can’t do that if his cheeks have swollen so large they cover his ear holes.
Leave a bag of flaming dog shit on his doorstep.
This is a CLASSIC gotcha gag. It’s also classically less violent than breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. Think about how smelly his shoes will be after he stomps out the flames, getting hot, goopy dog shit stuck in Nike treads! Now think about how he probably can’t smell anything if you force his face to swell up like the Goodyear blimp because you broke his jaw with a sucker punch to the face.
Throw him a surprise party and spell his name wrong on the sign.
The look on his face will be so funny when he sees that you didn’t even take the time to spell check his name! Which is the opposite of the look on his face when you clobber it into a thousand broken shards of jaw bone, removing his ability to emote. Throw parties, not fists!
Make mean memes about him.
AKA pull a Drake. As a Canadian, Drake is stellar at non-violent forms of conflict. So instead of balling up your fist and throwing it at your quarterback, why not pretend to be Canadian? Think about all the funny captions you could put around a picture of Geno Smith. You could write something like “Can’t spell ‘Geno Smith is the quarterback of the Jets’ without ‘INT’”. But you can’t fit that much text around a picture if the picture is of your quarterback’s moon-sized swollen face.
Drive him into the middle of nowhere, steal his cell phone and wallet, and make him walk home.
You really shouldn’t do this to anybody, but if you’re really, really mad, this is a lot nicer than cratering your quarterback’s face with your knuckle Mjölnir. He’ll be all lost and confused and it might even take him a whole day to find his way home. Which is still 6-10 weeks shorter than the time it would take to heal his pulverized jaw fragments if you sucker punch him in the face. That’s a win for everybody! Especially your quarterback’s face.