World War Zoo: Man’s “Best Friend” Betrays The Rock’s Cellphone

Folks, this is a new and disturbing turn in the coming war to set a new world order of the Animal Kingdom. You might be worried about the NSA tappin em, but the dogs are coming for your cellphones! 

Fido waited for his deceased master until he finally joined him in a farm up north 2 years later. Anubis guided the ancient Egyptians through the afterlife, and even Barney stood by POTUS Bush as he choked on that pretzel, got in a fist fight with Cheney fell on the corner of a coffee table, and laid unconscious for minutes. But, were all those acts a ruse? Was all this an act to gain our trust, as these barkin ball-catchers gnaw at our suspicions like the pairs of shoes they all chew as lil runts? {I KNOW YOUR JACK TERRIER TORE MY JORDANS, JANET! THAT’S WHY I PAID FOR NOTHING AT YOUR BARBECUE THIS WEEKEND!}

Ben foreshadowed The Rock’s fate a long time ago, and finally started coming to his senses last week, when he pointed out that this new hip breed of Snoop Doggy Dogs is no longer content with compliance of simple orders like “FETCH. SIT. BEHAVE NORMALLY in this stadium full of loud cheering masses surrounding you on what is probably the best turf of your life” . They’re on a bender to run audibles on their plays, and are more unpredictable than ever.  The greatest of our very own humans learned that the hard way this past Labor Day Weekend. We mourn the family pictures and music Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson lost in that mobile phone. Read his horrifying account from his Instagram page:

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Here's a fun Labor Day weekend story… We just decided to add two new members to our Johnson family. Baby French Bulldogs. In my right hand is BRUTUS and in my left hand is HOBBS. Bring them home and immediately take them outside so they can start learning how to "handle their business and potty like big boys". I set them both down and they both take off in a full sprint and fall right into the deep end of our pool. HOBBS immediately starts doggy paddling while BRUTUS (like a brick) sink heads first to the bottom of the pool. I take off into a full sprint, fully clothed, dive in the pool, swim to the bottom, rescue my brick, I mean BRUTUS and bring him back to the edge of the pool. He was a little delirious.. took a moment, threw up all the water he swallowed and looked up at me as if to say, "Thank God you didn't have to give me mouth to mouth!" and then ran off to play with his brother. A few lessons I've learned today.. A) Not all puppies have the instinct to doggie paddle. B) Some puppies (like BRUTUS) will be so in shock by experiencing water they will sink extremely fast so react quick. C) While spiriting to save your puppies life, before you dive in, try and throw your cel phone to safety. Don't keep it in your pocket… like I did. #BRUTUSLives #HOBBSCanSwim #MyCelPhonesDead #AndNoMouthToMouthNeeded #HappyLaborDay

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World War Zoo: You Can’t Tell This Weiner Dog How To Live Its Life, Man

Siya and I have debated the definitely-not-happening animal uprising, World War Zoo, in this space many, many times before. But this may be the first time I’ve actually had to concede a point to Siya. He’s right: our pets are breaking free. But not to start a war with humans. No, that would be ridiculous and require organization and planning that our neocortex-less counterparts just aren’t capable of. Instead our furry friends are breaking free for the right reasons. Because they can, man. Because they can.

Look at that dog run! Look how free he looks! Look how HAPPY he is! You can’t tell him NOTHING. He’s gonna run the bases and ya’ll can just wait for him to be done running. Look at those little legs! Look at that tiny tongue! Look at that wild weiner! That’s a one pooch party. What’s up shortstop; you ain’t fielding this grounder! See ya, later security; can’t cuff this canine! Oh hey pet owner; can’t leash the beast! The PARTY beast!

They said it was to be a short race for a bunch of short dogs. But dude, you can’t tell tell that dog how to live its life. That dog’s decided for himself, thank you very much.

Counterpoint: Animals Are Stupid And Siya Is Stupid For Being Scared Of An Animal Uprising

This morning, Siya posted some fear-mongering hooey about an animal uprising based on footage of a dumb hunter trying to chase down a wounded pheasant.  Two things about this:

2.) Animals most definitely do not “out-skill” humans. Need proof?  Watch this dog try to catch a taco:

Yeah, I’m real scared of that “animal uprising” you keep shouting about.