Dear America, We Still Cool Right? Yours Sincerely, South African

In case you missed it, October’s our cynical celebration of our favorite death season. Every day, Ben will present one thing that scares him, ranging from the anxious and annoying to the deadly and doomed. This Right Here Is My…SWAG is one of those things that scares me:

On behalf of South Africans everywhere, I’d like to pass my condolences apologies. Ben claims to be American but, I have my doubts. I’ve known Americans to be a fearless bunch INVENTING phones, MOCKING the itsy bitsy spiders with their kids, and hanging out in public bathrooms during football games to warm up during the winter (good call to my freshman year professor for that recommendation) – not FEARing those things or anyone!

Americans are a proud folk who have somehow coined, trademarked, and completely monopolized the indelible “WE’RE NUMBER 1” sports chant… (patent pending). That holds true until some South Africans beat the snot out of the American “Eagles” in the Rugby World Cup as they did this past weekend with a decisive 64-0 Shutout. 64-0.. SIXTY FOUR.  GOOD GAWD… You don’t have to understand the scoring in Rugby to get how terrible that is. America, meet me in the next paragraph, if you would be so kind.

Look, America. You’re good, right? I know your favorite newsman was recently replaced by South African, Trevor Noah – which will get awkward when he comes to talk $hit to Americans, about Americans… I would never do that, America! You know me! Known me more than half my life! I love you, America! I love BASEBALLHOCKEYFOOTBALLBASKETBALL… LEBRON JAMES, and HE’S American! Right? I love the Hawks! Not the Seattle Seahawks. They’re posers, and need to give that “Go Hawks” patent up to the Iowa Hawks of the heartland of farmin, hard-working, bread-basket, plain accent, this-ain’t-heaven-but-it’s-close IOWA! But I’m scared, America.

My fear is that thanks to this recent ass-handing by my Springboks, losing your beloved Jon Stewart, and Donald Trump’s surge in the polls – I will be issued a challenge in the immortal words of Iowa quarterback, Ricky Stanzi:

I love it. I don’t wanna leave it. So, despite that EMBARRASSMENT OF INTERNATIONAL PROPORTIONS America, WE still cool, right?

Yours Sincerely,

-South African

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4 Reasons To Be Excited 4 Colbert, The Greatest Night Show Host

So, George Bush – GREAT president, or the GREATEST president?” In the golden years of the Colbert Report,”Stephen ” the conservative, loud-mouthed, self proclaimed “truth-feeler” often asked his exasperated guests to answer that one simple question after the 5 minute mental roller coaster of their professional lives.  Tonight, Stephen Colbert debuts to answer a more important question. Here are 4 reasons there is no wrong answer:

1.  Breaking up the JIMMopoly:
Okay, that was slightly terrible, almost as terribly plastic as the content and context has become on the late night tip. The Jimmies are having a field day with ratings, thanks in part to curation for viral video viewership (say that fast 3 times).

When Letterman announced his retirement, he conceded in that old curmudgeon swagger we mentioned on his tribute. In a subsequent Rolling Stone interview he affirmed “I hear about things going viral and I think, ‘How do you do that?’ I think I’m the blockage in the plumbing.”

To date, top Jimmy is pummeling bottom Jimmy so hard in that department, that he went and created another show on a whole other network, and THAT is the #1 Show on THAT network. It’s an entire show where celebrities are lip-syncing other singer’s songs. -_- (I mean REALLY!? What’re we doin here?).

Executive Producer of The Tonight Show, Lorne Michaels now has his hands in creating SNL, subsequently Jimmy Fallon, and now grandfathering America’s karaoke machine. NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT unfunny POWER!  Since Colbert Report ended, my 10:30PM (Central) has been basically Charlie Rose only – into Seth Myers, when I’m not too busy hosting sexy parties.  We shouldn’t have to choose between marginally funny, and topically informative and edgy late night. We can have both! We will, on the Late Show With Stephen Colbert

2. Jon Stewart is gone, Long Live Jon Stewart: Continue reading 4 Reasons To Be Excited 4 Colbert, The Greatest Night Show Host

Who’s The Bigger Troll, Jon Stewart Or Arby’s?

Arby’s KNOWS. They KNOW they’re terrible. They know you know that they know also. They’re not here to impress you! Their slogan is “WE HAVE THE MEATS” and they diaBETE that into your grey meat with the baritone voice of your bad conscious (aka Melvin from “Baby Boy”, aka Golden Globe winner Ving Rhames).  This was a common trope for all things terrible for outgoing political fun-poker, Jon Stewart. Arby’s kinda loved it:

One has to wonder – as The Daily Show comes to an end tonight – were they in on it the entire time? If so, will Stewart or Arby’s ever admit it? Either way, break bread one more time for this last supper with the odd couple in Arby’s hilarious goodbye commercials that aired last night.

May your time among us come to a graceful, yet far too soon and unexpected ending. Arby’s wouldn’t have it any other way 😉 . Mazel Tov, Jon!

Stephen Colbert Cheated John Oliver, Who Cheated Jon Stewart And The Troops

Remember that “ice bucket challenge” for ALS Awareness or somethin (I just remember the videos, not exactly sure what for anymore).  Well this is like that, except with 20 push-ups, FOR THE TROOPS… of the UNITED STATES of AMERICA and Freedom and Peace! Colbert was challenged by former colleague and Brit, John Oliver to take the challenge. Checkout his tricky response:

Oliver himself was challenged by their respective mentor and former boss, Jon Stewart. He seemed to be the only one to honor the challenge displaying unexpected fitness at his retirement age. Checkout both of their push-up sets below:

Continue reading Stephen Colbert Cheated John Oliver, Who Cheated Jon Stewart And The Troops