Potato Of The Day Episode 95

redbananasHey guys, your momma’s so fat, the grocer sold her as a plantain! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh what’s the matter bananas, you feeling a little red? You know, because your skin’s pigmentation and whatnot! #BURN. Just like your sunburnt looking ass! GOTCHA AGAIN! So I heard that red bananas have a slight mango flavor. You know who else has a slight mango flavor? YOUR MOM! Because she’s also a red banana, and human beings like me eat red bananas so therefore I’d know what she tastes like. HA! Get it? No? Gosh, you red bananas really aren’t enjoying this, huh? What gives? Seriously, why so angry guys? What are you, Bruce Bananer? Well two can play that game. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M HUNGRY! HAHAHA!

Oh hush, calm down guys, there’s no reason to get yourself in a bunch. #TOOLATE! #SICKBURNTHESEQUEL. I didn’t realize you guys had such thin peels! You know, instead of skin. That’s a sick play on words, banabros. Woah, woah, woah! Where are you guys going? Okay, okay, my bad! There’s no reason to split! HAAAAAAAAA! Sorry you guys, I just can’t help myself. Unless we’re talking about a profitable export from East Africa, in which case, I can’t help you because you’ve already been picked! Haa… wait, that one wasn’t very good. Kind of like you, am I ripe? HIGH FIVE THIS PLAYA! Oh wait, you can’t! Because your fruit is called a finger, not a hand!

Alright, alright, I know I’m not being fair. I need to give you a chance to return fire. So hit me with it red bananas, give me your sickest burn. ROAST ME!

Annnd… that would have been a great comeback for a SILENT film. You know, because you didn’t say anything? You know, because you don’t have mouths to make sounds with? You know, because silent films also didn’t have mouth sounds in them. HA! Man, am I on a roll today or what? Just like you when you’re covered in cream cheese! BOOM! Pastry recipe humor in the house! I like you guys. Really, I do! I think it’s all that potassium. Without it, you’d really be cramping my style! Oh boy, someone spray me down cause I’m on FIRE! Just don’t hose the bananas, that’s their skin, not flames! #TWOTHINGSTHATARERED

Okay, this has been fun guys, but I need to run. You’ve been great, a real top banana! For real guys, you don’t need to listen to anymore of my banana oil! I mean this has been a real banana skin for you! #SEQUENTIALBANANAIDIOMS Okay, maybe just one more! PENIS, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS. Ha! Well, that one could use some work. It was sort of low hanging fruit! I know, why don’t you go hang out in a banana hammock until I figure it out… HA! Get it? Because, penis. From before. Jokes. Ben out!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 92

whiteonionWhenever I’m rocking the old chef’s knife on a fresh white onion, I like to pretend I’m an incredulous doctor preforming exploratory surgery on an alien species for the first time, recording my thoughts into an imaginary tape recorder (Yes, tapes. I’m a very old doctor and stuck in my ways. Goddamned technology is ruining society! I remember when we didn’t even use anesthetic, they just sliced you open like a MAN!), reveling in the absurd discovery of the onion’s insides. It’s cathartic to release like that, to give away to the world of pretend, embracing your inner child, or, more honestly, crazy person.

“Subject presented with a unique case of flaking dandruff. After initial scrub and cleanse, the outer flake shell broke off on its own. I can only conclude the husk provides some sort of protection. Deeper analysis into the creature’s makeup is necessary. I’m making the first cut now, a vertical incision along the creature’s center axis. The skin gives way easily, peeling back, revealing… MORE ONION? Holy shit! I’ve never seen a creature like this before. Dual layers of skin. Quite an evolutionary quirk! I need to explore deeper. But first, the top most layer of skin must be completely removed. Forceps, please.”

Which makes me realize I would be a HORRIBLE doctor. You’re really not supposed to remove the entirety of your subject’s skin just because you’ve noticed something interesting inside of them. Imagine if you did that to a human. “Oh, looks like you’ve got a unique bone spur on your heel there. We’re going to have to remove all of your flesh to get a better look.” That’s basically what I do to the onion. That’s not real Hippocratic oath-y of me, so I inevitably switch roles, transforming into an interrogator, a real rule-ignoring bastard of a man, for a secret shadow government agency.

“TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW. Don’t make me remove your second layer of skin, White Onion. We know you have the codes! WE KNOW YOU HAVE THEM. Oh playing tough and silent, huh? WELL I’VE GOT THE KEY TO UNLOCK YOUR ASSHOLE, BUTTHEAD. And by asshole, I mean mouth, because you’ve got a butt for a head. THERE’S PLENTY MORE WORDPLAY WHERE THAT CAME FROM. Nothing? Then it’s time to rip off your skin and… OH MY GOD MORE ONION. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

But by that point the onion has gotten to me, and my eyes start welling up. You don’t ever see any black-hearted bastard torturers with tears in their eyes, do you? No, of course not. There ain’t no empathy in the torture game. So I have to switch again, this time taking on the role of a heartbroken woman, having arrived home to find her husband tortured to death after a botched surgery.

“White Onion, honey, are you home? I picked up brisket at the market.I know it’s your fav – OH MY GOD! WHITE ONION? Oh no… oh no, no, no, no! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH! WAKE UP!”

And that’s about the point in time when I realize I’ve gone too far… again. I need to stop playing with my food.

Potato Of The Day Episode 85

cucumberloveHey, Cucumber? Have you seen my…WOAH! My bad, dude! Did not know you had uh… company over. Hey, yeah, hi, how’s it going? I’m Ben and I’m… well, you know what, this is kind of awkward…  isn’t it? I mean I know I’m interrupting and all, but dude, you really should have put a sock up on the edge of your 1/3 6” deep clear polycarbonate food pan, you know? That’s just standard code for “hey we’re playing pickle my pickle”, you know? It’s just nice to give a guy a heads up, let him know you’re busy. As in, getting busy. You know what I’m saying? You feeling my vibe? You picking up what I’m putting down?

Oh no, no! You don’t have to go! I’ll just leave you and my dude Cucumber to ferment in a little vinegar. You know what I mean? Haha, of course you guys do. Bathe in a little brine, am I right? Maybe get your creeping vine on? Oh, I’m sorry, yeah… you’re probably getting really uncomfortable right now aren’t you? My bad. For real. Super sorry, you guys, I know I’m overstaying my welcome here. It’s just, now that I’m taking all of this in, I sort of have a few questions…

Like how the hell did you guys even meet? I don’t want to sound ignorant here, but I didn’t even know slices of cylindrical gourd fruit even hooked up? I kind of just assumed you guys were asexual, inanimate not intimate. Do you have places you go to meet other cucs? I mean, I get that this is hellaz ignorant on my part, but like, how do you guys even… swap seeds? Is that what you do? Oh wow, yeah, I can tell I’m really making you uncomfortable. Overstepping my bounds! My bad! Did NOT mean to pry. Just curiosity, cats, etc. You know?

But hey… one thing real quick before I go? Are you guys, well, being safe? Because Cucumber, dude, you should always be safe, you know? Like I know you’re capable of being safe, I saw an old lady in health class put a rubber on your brother one time. Oh no, no! It’s not like that. It was just a demonstration! I swear! His brother isn’t a weirdo, cross-species, vegetable-human breeder. Relax, it’s all cool, for real! Oh wow, I’m really killing the mood in here, aren’t I? This… is… unfortunate. Umm… my bad.

But uh, yeah. I’ll just take off now. Well… have fun you two! Let me know if there’s anything you need! Oh, crap, no not like that…  I…  time to shut up now, right guys? Annnnndd… Ben is out. Goodbye! See you later, Cucumber and… friend. Nice to meet you! Add me on Snapchat? What? Too far, right? Yup, too far.

Potato Of The Day Episode 63

theglorioustomatilloHEY KIDS, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS? (WHAT TIME IS IT?) IT’S TOMATILLO TIME! (HOOOORAAAAYYYYYY!!!!) TO-MA TO-MA TO-MA TOMATILLO! (TOMATILLO WE LOVE YOU!)

Well howdy dandy my friends with candy! I’m Tom A. Tillo, and you’re tuned into TOMATILLO TIME! Today we’ve got a very special guest visiting us all the way from that ethnic grocery store your parents won’t shop at! Everyone give a nice Tomatillo Time welcome to… TOMATILLO! (HI TOMATILLO!)

Great job, kids! Give yourself three tomatillo chants for participation (TO-MA, TO-MA, TO-MA!)

Alright, Tomatillo, I have to ask, HOW AWESOME IS IT TO BE A TOMATILLO?

[…]

That’s fascinating stuff! You know, I just have to say it. I look at you sitting there, and you know what I see? I see a real star, a bright burning flame! I see a philosopher, a wise, aged observer of the world! I see a rebelling artist, a renegade casting aside the bloody red of tomato history! I see more than a tomatillo when I look at you, Tomatillo. I see a window to the salsa verde of the soul! Kids what do you see? (WE SEE THE GLORIOUS TOMATILLO!)

That’s RIGHT! Give yourself three more tomatillo chants! (TO-MA, TO-MA, TO-MA!)

Tomatillo, you have to tell me, when did you first realize you were special?

[…]

Wow! So young and so bold! How do you do it, Tomatillo? How do you balance it all? How do you maintain  your lifestyle, a spicy, vibrant dance of living green, with the low-key profile you maintain? TELL US THE SECRET TO YOUR WAYS! (TELL US HOW TO LIVE TOMATILLO!)

[…]

Oh Tomatillo, that makes so much sense. How could we have been so blind? HOW COULD WE HAVE FAILED TO SEE? The secret, the key to unlocking it all, THE HIDDEN MESSAGE IN THE GREEN SAUCE, it was in front of us all along, wasn’t it? It’s as simple as shedding our skin! WE NEED TO REMOVE THE CAYLX!  KIDS, LET ME HEAR WHAT WE NEED TO DO! (LET’S PULL FREE OUR BODIES FROM OUR PAPER HUSKS! LET’S SHED OUR SKIN! LET’S BE AS FREE AS THE TOMATILLO!)

GIVE ME THE CHANT ONCE MORE! GIVE IT TO ME WHILE I BURN AWAY THE PAPERED FLESH THAT HOLDS MY GREEN INSIDES! GIVE IT TO ME WHY I’LL DANCE AT THE ALTER OF THE INNER-GREEN! GIVE IT TO ME NOW, CHILDREN! ALL TOGETHER, AS ONE! LIKE THE TOMATILLO, NOW! (TO-MA! TO-MA! TO-MA! WE LOVE YOU TOMATILLO!!!)

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT WORK CHILDREN! IGNORE THE RUNNING RED! IGNORE THE BLEED! THAT’S MY TOMATO SELF, A FAILURE IN THE EYES OF THE TOMATILLO! SOON, SOON I’LL BE GREEN! SOON, I’LL BE TOMATILLO FOREVER! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK CHILDREN! TUNE IN FOREVER!

[…]

Potato Of The Day Episode 60

cornsecretWell, well, well… what do we have h-EAR*? (*This lazy ass pun brought to you by the influence of Siya. Siya: helping Ben write lame jokes for over a decade.) Looks like somebody has a secret! What are you hiding deep in your papery sheath Mr. Corn? What indeed…  Is it a deep, dark disturbance, a renegade evil lurking within your husked bowels? Or is it something more magical, a dancing whimsy, a giggle amongst whispering friends? Or is it something different all together, a lie for the sake of lying, an exercise in forced fiction? Why won’t you come out and share, Mr. Corn? What do you have to lose? What exactly, Mr. Corn, are you up to?

I’ve never known corn to be a secretive plant. It tends to flower out in the open, standing tall, waving at neighbors. It’s got that Midwestern, farmland heart. It sees the good in people. It shines with the sun. It splashes with the rain. It lets out its fluffy wild side in the excitement of sudden heat. Corn is the backbone of us, agricultural, industrial, adaptive. But now… now I’m starting to wonder about all of that. Now, Mr. Corn here has me wondering if something else is in play. Maybe I’ve misjudged our crop friend, losing track of the truth in a Halloween maze of my mind’s design. Or maybe that sudden fear is what’s unfounded. Maybe I need a longer perspective, a view from the sky, to be able to read the signs.

If you zoom way, way out, what do you see? You see a green plant. Green. When you think of corn though, what color do you think of? Yellow. And, of course, yellow is the color we associate with cowardice. But corn, corn isn’t a coward. But then again, cowards hide truths. Cowards conceal. And this corn is concealing something… something yellow? But again, Mr. Corn… he’s green. He’s ripe. He’s inexperienced. He’s unprepared. So green = not ready and yellow = fear.  So if he’s hiding his yellow, then he’s burying his cowardice down behind his wide-eyed greened husk, but in turn, that of course makes him green, and unprepared.

So that’s it, isn’t it, Mr. Corn? That’s your secret. You’re just not ready yet to put yourself out there. That’s okay then, Mr. Corn. It takes time to be prepared. It takes time to feel ready to share. It takes time to build up the courage to open up. But whenever you’re ready, whenever you decide to shed your greenness and show the world your inner-yellow self, whenever that time comes, we’ll all be right here.

{Siya’s note: appropriating immaculate puns, then blaming the African? Reaaal Corny, Ben…. Real Corny}

Potato Of The Day Episode 59

fivegrapesHere is a short story about five different grapes.

Once upon a time, a bunch of grapes decided to go on an adventure. After traveling hardly any distance at all, it was decided that the five grapes would stop and share how they felt about the experience. Each grape was given a turn to talk.

The first grape said, “I’m so excited to be on this trip together, grapes! The sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I’m surrounded by great company. Today is going to be a great day!” The first grape then smiled and complimented all of the other grapes one by one. The first grape was the sweetest grape and was liked by everyone.

The second grape yelled out, “I’M SUPER EXCITED TOO! THIS IS GOING TO BE DOPEST ADVENTURE EVER! ARE ALL YOU GRAPE DUDES READY TO PARTY WITH ME? WHOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!” The second grape then pumped its fist and tried to high five everyone. The second grape was the most juiced grape and was a lot to take.

The third grape said, “I really, really, really love each and every one of you. I just get so overwhelmed when I think about how wonderful it is that we’re all together. I could just cry. This reminds of me of my mother. Does anyone want a hug? This is all very emotional!” The third grape then started to tear up and tried to hug everyone. The third grape was the mushiest grape and was a little uncomfortable to be near for some.

The fourth grape said, “I can’t believe I’m stuck with you idiots. Where are we even going? The sun is making me far too hot. I don’t much care for this experience at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be anywhere. This is the WORST.” The fourth grape then slouched down and pouted. The fourth grape was the sourest grape and was not liked by everyone.

The fifth grape said nothing because it was a grape and grapes can’t talk.

The end.

Potato Of The Day Episode 57

redonionselfieHey, Red Onion, can we talk? Sit down. Yeah, you’re going to want to sit. I know that’s a heavy way to start a conversation, but this isn’t some casual chit chat amongst layered friends. This is an intervention. No, no, I know you’re not out there on the ole’ crystal pony, squeezing balloons and warming metal spoons for a hit of life. No, it’s not about the devil’s brew either. I’ve got no problem with your once every lunar cycle night on the town. No, it’s not about your insistence that your Beanie Baby collection will someday be worth the GDP of Malta (but dude, that’s just not going to happen). Then what, you ask? Well if you’d stop asking me questions, I could tell you (and frankly now I’m considering an interruption intervention). You ready? Good. We need to talk about your selfies.

So this pic… it’s… well… it’s not good. Not flattering in the least bit. You know I love you, but… come on now. You could at least make yourself look at a little appetizing. It’s embarrassing to see that type of picture online. Are you proud of that? When you look at that pic do you feel good about yourself? Because you shouldn’t. You look like shit. It’s gross. What in the actual fuck are you doing there? Are you trying to seduce a hamburger bun? Is this supposed to be a candid interpretation of modern art? Are you Andy Warholing that shit, but got way too lazy to evenly spread yourself out? I have no idea what this is supposed to be, Red Onion. Your entire body is basically duck lips. I’m sorry, but you need to stop. Your selfie game is mad weak.

You want to know why you don’t have 30k Instagram followers? It’s because you look like the hair in Barney the Dinosaur’s armpit. Okay, okay, calm down. That was a little harsh, you’re right. You don’t look that bad. But you’re not exactly setting stomachs a grumbling or mouths a watering either. I get that it’s difficult. I know you’re just an onion. It’s not like you can maximize that downward camera angle, or smirk your lips to the side, or scrunch up your face like you’re impersonating a rabbit. Hell, you don’t even have arms. You’re limited, without a doubt. But dude… that’s still not a very good photo. And it’s online forever now. It’s being screenshotted and reblogged and twitpic’d and lol’d at by the entire world. Are you really okay with that? Are you really okay with being the naked Red Onion posing on a takeout box? Are you really okay with the world seeing you at your lonely condiment self?

Oh. You are? Well… shit, dude. Keep doing you then, I guess. But for real, you should know that picture sucks.