How You Gon’ Kill MUFASA, You Cavity Of A Human Soul!?!?!

I’ve been known for inciting and encouraging ‘caution‘ in engaging and dealing with our Animal Kingdom peers. Those views are in no way, shape, or form represented by the actions of one scum of human existence,  Dr. Walter James Palmer of Minnesota.  This ass-hat dedicated his assets ($55,000 permit to be exact) to luring, tracking, and illegally killing an alpha-male of a lion pride in Zimbabwe. The 13 year old mane-bearer is none other than Cecil The Lion.  Cecil was a famously celebrated manifestation of excellence as tourists from all over the world came to Zimbabwe to see the largest lion on record in his natural habitat.  Cecil is basically the real life version of Mufasa. Remember him, the OG who’s son, Simba, eventually succeeded him the throne of pride rock thanks to his mandrill butler therapist  godfather? NO?

Now You do! If you missed Lion King, SPOILER ALERT: Simba got back from back-packing in Europe with his new gypsy friends Timon and Pumba, and took care of the family business via a fiery hostile take-over… So to speak.
SNAP BACK to REAL LIFE:  MUFASA, Cecil. You know what’s gonna happen to HIS potential Simba, and Nala (btw – they were siblings. Gross, Disney)?

The six cubs of Cecil will now be killed, as a new male lion (Jericho) in the pride will not allow them to live in order to encourage the lionesses to mate with him.

“That’s how it works… it’s in the wild; it’s nature taking its course,” Mr Rodrigues head of Zimbabwe Conservation Task Force told BBC News!

THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE NOW! Circle of life my A55, DISNEY! Yup, Mother Nature’s an even bigger bitch than this toothless dentist. Apparently this isn’t the first time fake-a55-ghetto-Teddy-Roosevelt-wannabe went after majestic natural artifacts. In his neighboring state of Wisconsin, Palmer was fined and placed on probation for a year for illegally killing a black bear. He then lied to a federal agent after shooting the black bear 40 miles outside the legal zone.

This explains why PETA went gangsta on him.

WHOA! PETA, I’m witcha on “extradited, and charged” but… just WHOA. If you’re truly People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, maybe dial down on the murder game, and up on the ethics. That said, since you feel so strongly about it, might I suggest humanely placing this doctor in prison? Except, make it a prison where he’s surrounded by other lions to harass him whenever he drops the soap or doesn’t eat his cornbread.  A zoo might be what I’m thinking of. Put him in a zoo.

On another note – as the largest lion recorded, and alpha male of his pride, Cecil was DEFINITELY an African King… of the jungle. That makes this a downright geo-political power grab and potential crisis aided by American financing.  The CIA has neither confirmed nor denied involvement in this allegation. Why would they? That’s NOT just forced to support my focus on geo-political issues for the week, either!  The American public has come out in droves distancing themselves from this man’s actions with insults that we ourselves at this blog are far too classy to suggest and conjure up. We’ll bring you those tomorrow.

For now a tribute to the one and only, the king of the jungle, father of 6… (soon to be dead, because DAAAAMN that’s kinda awful… ain’t it ethical/humane to save THOSE lil guys for a zoo, PETA?) cubs. Cecil The Great!

HOL’ UP! This TOOLBAG ALREADY had a lion trophy from 2008! He was tryna RE-UP on his COLLECTION of lion trophies??? Phucket, PETA – HAVE AT HIM!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 49

limeopsYou want to know a secret? Limes are a lot more dangerous than they’d have you think. They’re a stealth weapon, trained in assuming a most unassuming look. They sheath their dark side away, playing nice with cilantro and coconuts. But don’t believe that act. Not even for second. Because every lime you see, whether dancing alongside tacos or tottering gracefully on the edge of a gin and tonic, is a deadly secret agent trained in the covert ops.

They start young, mastering the skills of citrus camouflage, hiding away in plain sight. They mingle with the other citrus fruits, mimicking the shape of lemons and kumquats. They learn how to make themselves appealing, playing up to your subconscious desire for refreshment. They squirm their way into your life, sneaking into colas and cocktails, waiting silently, lurking, tempting you to let them in, tempting you to drink them up. And once they’re in your body, they’ve got you. The blood hides no secrets from a trespassing lime drop.

But perhaps you fancy yourself a clever one, immune to liquid lust? It doesn’t matter. If they want to, they can take you down. All it takes it one swift squeeze, a peel pinch, and they’re squirting death straight into your eye. TAKE THAT IRIS! KUNG-POW PUPIL! CORNEA JUDO CHOP!  And just like that, you’re on the verge of being dropped. You’re disoriented. You’re disabled. You’re down for the count. That’s the way of the lime. You can beg for mercy then, but the lime never stops. No, it keeps coming. The lime degrades you, attacking open nicks and cuts, spraying the liquid citrus scorch, stinging away until you’ve had more than enough. At that point, you give in. At that point, the lime has won. At that point, the lime has exactly what it wants.

Power. The world is controlled by those who have consumed limes, by those who have fallen to the frightful wrath of the green leathery fruit. But those limes aren’t just consumed and discarded. They stay. They take hold. They control. Every decision, every action, every moment, it’s all influenced by what the lime wants. This is their world. And their conquering it drop by tiny drop.

Think about it. Or don’t. I doubt very much that’s what your lime wants…

Potato Of The Day Episode 47

avocadosnotUnpopular opinion alert: Fuck avocados. For real. I know, I know… they’re healthy, they lower cholesterol, they make your hair look like peak Friends Jennifer Aniston’s. I don’t care. They could give me Pegasus wings and the power to start forest fires with my farts and I still wouldn’t care. I’ll never care. I don’t want them in my life. I have no use for their spreads, for their guacamole, or for their scooped out raw bites. Avocados are gross. And it’s 100% because they’re full of sinus infection snot.

Look at that color. That’s snot. There’s nothing else on this planet that rides for that shade of green. Nothing. No, I won’t look at those examples you’ve printed off, I’m trying to blog here. I don’t know how Big Avocado got away with it, but they’re harvesting human snot for consumption, and all of you delightfully airy avocado eaters are gobbling that mucus right up. That’s right, I said it. Big Avocado has factories of snot reservoirs that they pump into pocketed sacks of empty exocarp. AVOCADOS ARE JUST A BIG SCAM.

“But Ben,” you cry out in desperate denial of your snot snacks, “What about that enormous center seed? Surely that’s a sign avocados are a real fruit/vegetable/tree nut?” No. You want to know what that large brown abscess in the middle of that creamy lake of snot is? IT’S MORE SNOT. You know how sometimes you blow and/or pick your nose (shout out to all the adult pickers out there holding it down without fear of social repercussions) and you find a hard, darkened nugget of a snot? THAT’S WHAT THEY PACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF AVOCADOS. If that sounds vulgar, vile, villainous, or another negative v-word, that’s because it is. It’s truly horrid, and why I can’t stomach avocados.

Look, I’m not stupid. I know I can’t pry the lot of you away from the altar of the avocado. But I at least hope if you were thinking about eating an avocado while reading this, I’ve now ruined your lunch.

Ben’s Diary: I’m Not Sure If This Spam Email Is Supposed To Make Me Hungry Or Horny

spamemail
Dear Diary,

I’m not sure if this spam email is supposed to make me hungry or horny.

Confession: I’m a weirdo who likes to read everything that gets caught in my spam filter. It’s actually a lot of fun for me. It’s a great exercise in remembering that I’m a (relatively) sane, well-adjusted human being. Seriously, the shit that gets sent to me is downright baffling. I’m not talking about the normal smattering of spam, the dick growth pills, the warlord bank deposits, and the offers for computer colonic cleanses. I’m talking about the bat-shit crackpots that send me direct emails and rambling nonsense, their words staggering paragraphs of diarrhea seemingly without coherent or rational thought. Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I’m Not Sure If This Spam Email Is Supposed To Make Me Hungry Or Horny