Potato Of The Day Episode 60

cornsecretWell, well, well… what do we have h-EAR*? (*This lazy ass pun brought to you by the influence of Siya. Siya: helping Ben write lame jokes for over a decade.) Looks like somebody has a secret! What are you hiding deep in your papery sheath Mr. Corn? What indeed…  Is it a deep, dark disturbance, a renegade evil lurking within your husked bowels? Or is it something more magical, a dancing whimsy, a giggle amongst whispering friends? Or is it something different all together, a lie for the sake of lying, an exercise in forced fiction? Why won’t you come out and share, Mr. Corn? What do you have to lose? What exactly, Mr. Corn, are you up to?

I’ve never known corn to be a secretive plant. It tends to flower out in the open, standing tall, waving at neighbors. It’s got that Midwestern, farmland heart. It sees the good in people. It shines with the sun. It splashes with the rain. It lets out its fluffy wild side in the excitement of sudden heat. Corn is the backbone of us, agricultural, industrial, adaptive. But now… now I’m starting to wonder about all of that. Now, Mr. Corn here has me wondering if something else is in play. Maybe I’ve misjudged our crop friend, losing track of the truth in a Halloween maze of my mind’s design. Or maybe that sudden fear is what’s unfounded. Maybe I need a longer perspective, a view from the sky, to be able to read the signs.

If you zoom way, way out, what do you see? You see a green plant. Green. When you think of corn though, what color do you think of? Yellow. And, of course, yellow is the color we associate with cowardice. But corn, corn isn’t a coward. But then again, cowards hide truths. Cowards conceal. And this corn is concealing something… something yellow? But again, Mr. Corn… he’s green. He’s ripe. He’s inexperienced. He’s unprepared. So green = not ready and yellow = fear.  So if he’s hiding his yellow, then he’s burying his cowardice down behind his wide-eyed greened husk, but in turn, that of course makes him green, and unprepared.

So that’s it, isn’t it, Mr. Corn? That’s your secret. You’re just not ready yet to put yourself out there. That’s okay then, Mr. Corn. It takes time to be prepared. It takes time to feel ready to share. It takes time to build up the courage to open up. But whenever you’re ready, whenever you decide to shed your greenness and show the world your inner-yellow self, whenever that time comes, we’ll all be right here.

{Siya’s note: appropriating immaculate puns, then blaming the African? Reaaal Corny, Ben…. Real Corny}


Potato Of The Day Episode 19

sweetpotatofryWell this is starting to get old… Look, Sweet Potato, sit down. We need to talk.

It’s just… I guess what I’m trying to say is… well… this isn’t working out. We’ve talked about it before. About how you lie about your color, how you pretend to be something you’re not, how you wear those fake labels. I just can’t put up with this routine anymore.  Nope. I just can’t.

You and I both know why you decided to become a fry. No, don’t try to twist this on me. Yes, I said I found Crinkle Cut Fries attractive. No, I didn’t say I wanted YOU to become a fry. Yes, I’m sure you’re delicious as a fry, but once again you’re missing the point. I said Crinkle Cut Fries are so hot right now. Not Sweet Potato Fries are so hot right now. Stop trying to be something you’re not. You didn’t even get the crinkle cut look.

You’re a sweet potato, Sweet Potato. But maybe you’re just too sweet for me. That’s not really how potatoes are supposed to taste. You’re your own thing. You’re better off without me. You’re better off outside of the Potato Of The Day world. Someday, you’re going to look back at all of this, and you’re going to laugh. You will. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to find a nice yam or kumara and settle down, making Thanksgiving dinners and holiday pies.

But this has to stop. At least for now. And I know this is hard to hear, but you have to hear it. It’s not me, it’s you. It’s your fault for not being true to yourself. But if you ever change, if you ever decide to be yourself, if that day ever comes, call me. I’ve always thought we would make pretty good friends.