Potato Of The Day Episode 95

redbananasHey guys, your momma’s so fat, the grocer sold her as a plantain! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh what’s the matter bananas, you feeling a little red? You know, because your skin’s pigmentation and whatnot! #BURN. Just like your sunburnt looking ass! GOTCHA AGAIN! So I heard that red bananas have a slight mango flavor. You know who else has a slight mango flavor? YOUR MOM! Because she’s also a red banana, and human beings like me eat red bananas so therefore I’d know what she tastes like. HA! Get it? No? Gosh, you red bananas really aren’t enjoying this, huh? What gives? Seriously, why so angry guys? What are you, Bruce Bananer? Well two can play that game. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M HUNGRY! HAHAHA!

Oh hush, calm down guys, there’s no reason to get yourself in a bunch. #TOOLATE! #SICKBURNTHESEQUEL. I didn’t realize you guys had such thin peels! You know, instead of skin. That’s a sick play on words, banabros. Woah, woah, woah! Where are you guys going? Okay, okay, my bad! There’s no reason to split! HAAAAAAAAA! Sorry you guys, I just can’t help myself. Unless we’re talking about a profitable export from East Africa, in which case, I can’t help you because you’ve already been picked! Haa… wait, that one wasn’t very good. Kind of like you, am I ripe? HIGH FIVE THIS PLAYA! Oh wait, you can’t! Because your fruit is called a finger, not a hand!

Alright, alright, I know I’m not being fair. I need to give you a chance to return fire. So hit me with it red bananas, give me your sickest burn. ROAST ME!

Annnd… that would have been a great comeback for a SILENT film. You know, because you didn’t say anything? You know, because you don’t have mouths to make sounds with? You know, because silent films also didn’t have mouth sounds in them. HA! Man, am I on a roll today or what? Just like you when you’re covered in cream cheese! BOOM! Pastry recipe humor in the house! I like you guys. Really, I do! I think it’s all that potassium. Without it, you’d really be cramping my style! Oh boy, someone spray me down cause I’m on FIRE! Just don’t hose the bananas, that’s their skin, not flames! #TWOTHINGSTHATARERED

Okay, this has been fun guys, but I need to run. You’ve been great, a real top banana! For real guys, you don’t need to listen to anymore of my banana oil! I mean this has been a real banana skin for you! #SEQUENTIALBANANAIDIOMS Okay, maybe just one more! PENIS, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS. Ha! Well, that one could use some work. It was sort of low hanging fruit! I know, why don’t you go hang out in a banana hammock until I figure it out… HA! Get it? Because, penis. From before. Jokes. Ben out!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 51

dyingbananaYo Banana, you okay dude? You’re not looking good. You’ve got… spots. Like a lot of them. It’s disconcerting. Oh, what’s that? You think you’ve always looked that way? You know I know that’s not true. You don’t need to lie to me. It’s going to be okay. Well, actually it’s not, Banana. Let’s be real with each other right now. Let’s not skirt the subject any longer. You’re dying. You are. I’m sorry. You know you’re my bronana. I didn’t want it to be the case.  But it’s true.

I know it’s hard to hear with you being an inanimate object with no ears and all, but those spots, those grimly grown skin shadows, those moldy marbled marks, are tattooed fingerprints from the Grim Reaper’s hand. Death’s coming for you, Banana. Now, now… shhh… Don’t feel so bad. Death comes for us all.

Sure, there are plenty of ways we could fight Father Time, Banana. We could blend ourselves up into drinks, pasty purees sans decaying skin, stored away from the sweltering summertime countertop. But… honestly, that might SHORTEN your shelf life, dude.  I listen to a lot of hip hop. I know how thirsty hoes are these days. And, being honest here, I’m not really down to get blended. That’s going overboard with the moral support. I guess we could wrap ourselves in bubble wrap, shielding away from polluted oxygen and the rest of the world. You and me together. Bubble Boy and Bubble Banana! But… I don’t really like the feeling of plastic. I like fresh air. So maybe not that. There’s always the freezer? But cryogenics are fucking iffy at best. I don’t trust that dark magic.

This isn’t looking good, Banana. We’re pretty much out of options. Well there is ONE option… You’re not going to like it though.  So, uh, dude, completely hypothetically, how do you feel about euthanasia? Don’t look at me like that Banana! I’m not trying to be crass here, but let’s not let your life go to waste! What do you mean I wouldn’t want to eat something that looks like you? Of course I’d still nibble that nanner ass even with your bubonic spots! That’s for real, Banana. That’s a bro having another bro’s back. There’s nothing wrong with the sweet release of death, especially if it brings ME a little more life. So, like, can I eat you? I know you can’t actually answer that as, again, you’re inanimate. So I’m going to give myself power of attorney here and answer it for you: “K”.

Oh Banana, you always did love a good potassium pun! Rest in digested pieces, my freshly peeled friend.

Potato Of The Day Episode 4

potatobananaI had big plans for a Yukon Gold post today, but life has a way of throwing things at you that make you stop and RECONSIDER EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR HUMAN EXISTENCE.  Yes, this is another goddamned, untrustworthy Golden Sweet Potato.  Only this time, it’s so very obviously trying to be a banana.

There are just too many tangents I could get into about this, the racial implications of bananas, the environmental impact of bananas, the differences between starches and fruit, but really it all boils down to one point – something is wrong with how we’re raising our Golden Sweet Potatoes if they’re not comfortable in their own skin.

That’s right, I flipped it on you.  I’m empathetic to the plight of the Golden Sweet Potato.  We’re raising our Golden Sweet Potatoes on the idea that they are what their name implies, but the reality is that as these potatoes age,  they find themselves not as gold, but a dull brownish-red.  Of course that knowledge is going to cause a crisis of self, it’s only natural that they start seeking outlets for escape.  They turn to the bright yellow skin of bananas, desperate for that blonder hue, tantalizingly close to the gold they were told to be their entire lives.  They mutilate themselves, desperately contorting their bodies to match the slender thin curves of the more famous fruit, losing their identity in the process.

No more.  Golden Sweet Potatoes, I’m asking you to look inward, deep into your vibrant, orange soul, and find the real beauty there.  You’re perfect just the way you are.  You don’t need to become bananas to make the world happy.  We’ll be happy enough if you just stay true to yourself.