Pardon Me While I Search Engine Optimize, Tom Brady

tombrady
If you came here for content, turn around and get the fuck out now, bro. Because this is allllllll Tom Brady all the time up in here! WE’RE TALKING FOUR RINGS FOR FREEDOM BABY! Tom Brady is a free man. FREE. Minus the cost of lawyers, bitches.

It’s time to celebrate and ride that pretty boy’s coattails. Let’s search engine optimize the fuck out of this blog!

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Ugh, yeah, give me those clicks. CLICK ME GOOD, BABY! CLICK ME SO GOOD. CLICK ME GOOD-ELL!

Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell.

THAT’S RIGHT MOTHAFUCKERS, GOOGLE THAT SHIT. COME TO PAPA. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. DON’T DEFLATEGATE ME, DARLING.

Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate.

Ugh, didn’t that feel nice? You want more? YOU WANT THESE FOOTBALLS, DON’T CHA? DON’T YOU WISH YOUR BALLGHAZI BLOG WAS OPTIMIZED LIKE ME (DONTCHA)?

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NFL! Courts! New England Patriots! Victory! Super Bowl! Cheaters! Scandal! Deflated! Footballs! Ball boys! Appeal! Suspension! Four Games! FUCK YEAH, THAT’S THE GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE, GIVE IT ALL TO ME. GIVE ME ALL YOUR KEYWORDS YOU DIRTY FOOTBALL CHEATING FUCKBOYS!

I’mma go tag the shit out of this post now. TOM BRADY, BITCHES. Tom Brady.

Potato Of The Day Episode 96

romatomatoesSorry if I’m a little subdued today guys, but this morning I suffered a little trauma. Some dude hit my Roma tomatoes. Yeah, I know. It’s just not right. I’m still recovering, still a little sore over the whole ordeal. Frankly, right when it happened, I wanted to puke. But I didn’t. I’m a man. Have to stay strong in the face of adversity and all that, you know? So I just knelt down and held those hurting Romas in my hand, and I nurtured them. And then I tried to go about my day, but dude, that Roma hurt is still there.

What kind of man hits another man’s Romas? That’s sacred fruit we’re talking about! You don’t do that. It’s not cool. No, it’s not. Romas are precious. They should be treated like the fragile Faberge eggs that they are, protected and guarded like family jewels. Because really, they need our protection, and our consensual agreement not to attack them. They’re helpless! You don’t attack the garden area, man. That’s gotta be in the Geneva Conventions. Someone please look that up for me. I would, but, I’m so hurt, I can’t bear the thought of standing. I’m drowning in a pool of deeply emotional physical pain, you know?

Can you picture how hard it would be to be a Roma? To live that life? The same thing, day in, day out, unless your world is ripped apart by a sudden and unexpected attack. Sure, there’s minor variance in the Roma world, they come in different shapes and sizes, varying in color and hue, some wrinkling, some smooth, some filled with way more juice than others, but in the end, they’re all biologically the same. They’re all Romas! They all get by with nothing more than a thin layer of skin covering their seed. They all bruise. They all dangle just below the vine.

I can’t stop thinking about all those other poor Roma tomatoes suffering rampant abuse in the world. It might be accidental, a little love tap. It might be intentional, a deliberate kick. But either way, it’s all pain. There’s nothing good that comes from Roma hurt. You know what happens when you get hurt, like a real nasty, cut or scratch? You have to sterilize the wound. Well the same is true for your Romas. If they get hurt badly enough, they get sterilized. We can’t have that. It’s bad for their species. It’s bad for our species. Protect the Roma tomatoes, dude. It’s the right thing to do.