Five Tips For Surviving Your New School


Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.

Assert Yourself
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”

Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.

Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!

Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.

When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!

Potato Of The Day Episode 78

zucchinibabyI’m feeling a little loose today, a little wild, a little crazy. I think I’m going to treat myself. I’m going OUT tonight, hitting the town square in the face with my polished loafers. Yeah that’s right, baby! I’m a modern day one man rat pack, a solo Sinatra in a suit. Gonna take me a big fat stack of cash, light it ablaze, and let that shit flutter in the wind. Yeah I’m feeling THAT kind of crazy. You know what they call that around here? Zucchini, baby! Zucchini!

It’s been a long week, but that’s to be expected. It’s the dog days after all. Your puppies should be howling! Take a load off. Take a day off! HELL, TAKE A FEW! I have. Potato Of The Day? Yeah, sure, if we’re talking MONday and THURSday, baby! I’m a zucchini in the summer! There’s no need to push the issue. You ever seen a zucchini push anything? Don’t answer that, baby! Some things are better left to the imagination. Not that kind of imagination you dirty dog, you. Then again, dogs gonna dog, baby! We did say it’s the dog days, didn’t we? Right? I’d check… but baby, I’m checked out!

August is looming, swelling up in the distance, ready to squash summer, but not our summer squash, here! Naw, zucchini is fine with whatever. Lazy summer days? Great! Back to school? Sure! It’s no matter to a zucchini, baby! We, you and I my faithful friend, we might be feeling that collapse of time, the deepening sand pit of looming doom. We know we have work to do, jobs to get back to, words to write, posts to post, readings to read. But we’re not rushing! No way, baby! You and me, and zucchini here, we’re gonna soak up every last second of July. You can bank on that.

So back to tonight, right baby? It’s going down. One way, another way, via highway, all the same, it’s my way. My last stretching toast to my summer me. Well, until the next summer, baby! All good things end, and all good things come back around. So join me in the sun, under the stars, in the street, at the bar. Join me, a zucchini in a zoot suit, fattened on lazy heat and the sweet, sweet release of summer. Join me as we say goodbye, tossing a nod back at that beautiful dame, July. Yeah baby, rhyme with me, too. Because why not?  Why not treat yourself, too? Why not zucchini?