Dear America, We Still Cool Right? Yours Sincerely, South African

In case you missed it, October’s our cynical celebration of our favorite death season. Every day, Ben will present one thing that scares him, ranging from the anxious and annoying to the deadly and doomed. This Right Here Is My…SWAG is one of those things that scares me:

On behalf of South Africans everywhere, I’d like to pass my condolences apologies. Ben claims to be American but, I have my doubts. I’ve known Americans to be a fearless bunch INVENTING phones, MOCKING the itsy bitsy spiders with their kids, and hanging out in public bathrooms during football games to warm up during the winter (good call to my freshman year professor for that recommendation) – not FEARing those things or anyone!

Americans are a proud folk who have somehow coined, trademarked, and completely monopolized the indelible “WE’RE NUMBER 1” sports chant… (patent pending). That holds true until some South Africans beat the snot out of the American “Eagles” in the Rugby World Cup as they did this past weekend with a decisive 64-0 Shutout. 64-0.. SIXTY FOUR.  GOOD GAWD… You don’t have to understand the scoring in Rugby to get how terrible that is. America, meet me in the next paragraph, if you would be so kind.

Look, America. You’re good, right? I know your favorite newsman was recently replaced by South African, Trevor Noah – which will get awkward when he comes to talk $hit to Americans, about Americans… I would never do that, America! You know me! Known me more than half my life! I love you, America! I love BASEBALLHOCKEYFOOTBALLBASKETBALL… LEBRON JAMES, and HE’S American! Right? I love the Hawks! Not the Seattle Seahawks. They’re posers, and need to give that “Go Hawks” patent up to the Iowa Hawks of the heartland of farmin, hard-working, bread-basket, plain accent, this-ain’t-heaven-but-it’s-close IOWA! But I’m scared, America.

My fear is that thanks to this recent ass-handing by my Springboks, losing your beloved Jon Stewart, and Donald Trump’s surge in the polls – I will be issued a challenge in the immortal words of Iowa quarterback, Ricky Stanzi:

I love it. I don’t wanna leave it. So, despite that EMBARRASSMENT OF INTERNATIONAL PROPORTIONS America, WE still cool, right?

Yours Sincerely,

-South African


Potato Of The Day Episode 17

thatsabeanSo at first I thought this was a teeny-tiny green potato.  Like for real. This isn’t one of those dumb joke posts about pills in trashcans or pickles or any of that other dumb stuff. This is just a confession:  I made a mistake. A really dumb mistake. Because I’m a dumb dude.

That’s an edamame bean. A soy bean. A bean. And while yes, it may grow in the ground and get harvested by farmers, it’s not even remotely close to being a potato. It’s a legume. Just look at the size of that bean. That bean dwarfs even the smallest Peewee Potato. What type of moron would confuse that for a potato? This type of moron, you guys. This type of moron.

So why did I think it was a potato? I legit have no idea. None. I stared at it, my mind went “Potato Of The Day”, and I took the photo. I got back to my computer to upload it and write a post about little green men, a vague metaphor outlining the march of plastic toys and Chinese manufacturing, and realized, “Oh shit, that’s a bean.” That’s it.

I wish there was a better story. I wish there was more to this Potato Of The Day than a sad, little bean, sitting idly on a table. But there’s not. That bean is our potato today. Let’s all take this as a life lesson. Sometimes you’re asked to provide a potato, but instead you give a bean. When that happens there’s nothing to do but own up to it.

So, I’m sorry guys. I fucked up. Sometimes I’m a real dummy!