World War Zoo: Man’s “Best Friend” Betrays The Rock’s Cellphone

Folks, this is a new and disturbing turn in the coming war to set a new world order of the Animal Kingdom. You might be worried about the NSA tappin em, but the dogs are coming for your cellphones! 

Fido waited for his deceased master until he finally joined him in a farm up north 2 years later. Anubis guided the ancient Egyptians through the afterlife, and even Barney stood by POTUS Bush as he choked on that pretzel, got in a fist fight with Cheney fell on the corner of a coffee table, and laid unconscious for minutes. But, were all those acts a ruse? Was all this an act to gain our trust, as these barkin ball-catchers gnaw at our suspicions like the pairs of shoes they all chew as lil runts? {I KNOW YOUR JACK TERRIER TORE MY JORDANS, JANET! THAT’S WHY I PAID FOR NOTHING AT YOUR BARBECUE THIS WEEKEND!}

Ben foreshadowed The Rock’s fate a long time ago, and finally started coming to his senses last week, when he pointed out that this new hip breed of Snoop Doggy Dogs is no longer content with compliance of simple orders like “FETCH. SIT. BEHAVE NORMALLY in this stadium full of loud cheering masses surrounding you on what is probably the best turf of your life” . They’re on a bender to run audibles on their plays, and are more unpredictable than ever.  The greatest of our very own humans learned that the hard way this past Labor Day Weekend. We mourn the family pictures and music Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson lost in that mobile phone. Read his horrifying account from his Instagram page:

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Here's a fun Labor Day weekend story… We just decided to add two new members to our Johnson family. Baby French Bulldogs. In my right hand is BRUTUS and in my left hand is HOBBS. Bring them home and immediately take them outside so they can start learning how to "handle their business and potty like big boys". I set them both down and they both take off in a full sprint and fall right into the deep end of our pool. HOBBS immediately starts doggy paddling while BRUTUS (like a brick) sink heads first to the bottom of the pool. I take off into a full sprint, fully clothed, dive in the pool, swim to the bottom, rescue my brick, I mean BRUTUS and bring him back to the edge of the pool. He was a little delirious.. took a moment, threw up all the water he swallowed and looked up at me as if to say, "Thank God you didn't have to give me mouth to mouth!" and then ran off to play with his brother. A few lessons I've learned today.. A) Not all puppies have the instinct to doggie paddle. B) Some puppies (like BRUTUS) will be so in shock by experiencing water they will sink extremely fast so react quick. C) While spiriting to save your puppies life, before you dive in, try and throw your cel phone to safety. Don't keep it in your pocket… like I did. #BRUTUSLives #HOBBSCanSwim #MyCelPhonesDead #AndNoMouthToMouthNeeded #HappyLaborDay

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Watch The World React: SERIOUSLY, How You Gon Kill Cecil The Lion – Real Life Mufasa???

Yesterday, we got wind of the evil of man that hunts lions for sport. The jackass who not only flew halfway across the world to skin, behead, and leave a lion carcass where it lay, but had done this ROUTINELY. We weren’t the only one. The manliest late night show host had no jokes, but disgust that we shared with the rest of the world. Here’s a sample of some folks who agree:

A monster, THAT’S WHO

WHOA… SHAROOON! ME-OW… or ROARRR, I guess.

3rd Base then?

AWWW now… this one just BROKE MY… AWW MAN.

Wait, what? We thought he was last seen with one of his wives. Anyways – that’s Jericho… his homebody for life, whose duty it now is to kill all his homeboy’s cubs, and make new ones with his old ladies. Life – right?

Come on, man. What does Cecil’s recreational activity have to do with him deserving to die just because some asshole felt like it that day?

Yikes… well… i mean… like…

You know when somebody says “I’m so mad, I could cry!”? Jimmy was as close to that as possible in this jokeless monologue. Watch and visit wildcru.org:

Update: Unfortunately the full monologue was removed by Jimmy Kimmel Live due to some “copyright” issue. 

Humpday Hymn: Muse – “Uprising”

“Drones” is the latest Muse album that just dropped this week. The drums on it are so perfectly mixed, sounding clean and full!  The closest Hip Hop has recently gotten that purity in drums is Kanye West’s “Black Skinhead”.  Really, the only producer with drums that rival rock’s in general is none other than the legendary Timothy “Timbaland” Mosley.  Feel free to checkout Justin Timberlake’s latest 20/20 album for that.
On This Humpday, we need the familiar clap and sing along cadances with a sticky hook, though. So RISE UP to this oldie-but-goldie!

Response: LOL Siya, Those Lions Are STUPID

Siya, let’s talk, you and I. Human to human. Man to man. Did you seriously think those lion videos you posted yesterday would hold sway in my mind? Did you really think that would change anything?  Did you really think you could scare me with footage of glass imprisoned cats? I know those images terrify you, the clawing, the rampant swiping, the chomping teeth. I know you think of the what-ifs, imagining the horrid crimson slush, the sloshing mop bucket water you’d need to clean those children up should a feral feline break free. I know you have nightmares about MGM title card at night. But you know what I see when I watch those hijacked YouTube clips? Some pretty stupid fucking lions. That’s what.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve heard your glass shattering paranoia before. But you know what those lions didn’t do? Break that glass! You know what else they didn’t do? Eat those babies! You know what else they didn’t do? ANYTHING AT ALL! You know how stupid you have to be to spend an entire afternoon flatly pawing at glass? How idiotic you have to be to repeatedly smash your face up again the same window over and over again, each time coming up with nothing but air? How downright moronic you have to be to not understand the futility of each failed attempt, rinsing and repeating over and over again like an amnesiac reading the shampoo bottle in the shower? REPEATED IDENTICAL FAILURES ARE THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY. Those lions are some of the dumbest fucking animals I’ve ever seen. And that’s saying a lot.

The video I posted above is a lion hugging a human. Did you watch that? Did you see how harmless those big cats look? Did you cry? ADMIT YOU CRIED. Those warm balls of love are the exact same animals as the ones you think are trying to eat our youth.

{Siya’s Note: Using the late great Whitney Houston’s timeless human-love music for this propaganda? SHAME ON YOU, Ben. SHAME ON YOU!}

Lions don’t want to eat us, Siya. They just want to be loved. So no, I’m not scared of your lions. Because lions are lonely. Because lions are not uprising against us. But most of all, because lions are too fucking stupid to even realize they’re imprisoned behind glass.

Hey Ben, Know What Else Cats Eat? BABIES. HUMAN BABIES!

We are humans, you and I. Yes YOU, reading this now. We have come a long way from the caves, and through it all we have had to face the wrath of creatures longing to feast upon our entrails. We managed to tame some, and keep others at bay, but make no mistake, folks! Whether it’s today’s cats, or their saber-toothed forefathers before them – coursing in their veins is a longing to fulfill their mandate to dethrone us from the crown of the animal kingdom.

So, when they purr in your laps, they may fool some. When they try to convince us that they’re “just like us” with the aid of OUR human made techno and ice cream, that may convince the more gullible of us. But the REAL humans out there know! Us hard working folks, raising cute babies KNOW the truth.  We have staved off this battle of the beasts since our club-wranglin, mammoth-hunting ancestors brought about agriculture to offer these monsters separate but equal portions of this peaceful planet. It’s clear by the videos below, that these cats are anything BUT benign, BEN! In the words of Marvin Gaye (A HUMAN), WHAT’S GOIN ON? SAVE THE CHILDREN!

Continue reading Hey Ben, Know What Else Cats Eat? BABIES. HUMAN BABIES!

Hey Siya, Are You Scared Of Ice Cream Cone Eating Cats?

Another day, another reason not to be afraid of animals. Siya once wrote a cute little post on a cat that mimics other animals, flaunting it as proof of the upcoming animal apocalypse. Well, this is a cat eating an ice cream cone and listening to techno music. That is an absurd sentence to type, but that’s exactly what this is. This is a video of a feline caught in the throes of frozen milk and synthetic bass-line ecstasy.

Now, when I think of impending doom and inevitable revolution, I certainly don’t picture DJ MilkTreat as being the downfall of humanity. That animal isn’t uprising. That animal can’t even be bothered to step up the energy when the beat drops. That animal is more likely to get diabetes and lose a foot than it is to conquer mankind with its sandpaper tongue. Look at that thing! There’s no way that gluttonous fur-ball has world domination on it’s brain-freeze ridden brain.

If all I need to stop an animal from uprising is a quick pop-off at the nearest Taco Bell and/or Dairy Queen, I think I can manage. I mean it’s not like I’m getting in a knife fight with a carrot here. Unless I wake up tomorrow to find myself miraculously transformed into a waffle cone, I think I’ll be fine.