Ben’s Diary: Yesterday Was My Birthday But I Didn’t Celebrate It

birthdaynope

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was my birthday but I didn’t celebrate it.

Let me start this off by saying I normally love my birthday.  It’s a great day for pot heads, fans of historical baseball architecture, and the stock price of torture in Hell. There’s a lot of wonderful and a lot of terrible shit that has happened on April the 20th.  But also, sometimes it’s Easter, which isn’t cool.  Easter is dumb.  Rabbits don’t have thumbs.  How the hell are they supposed to paint eggs and carry baskets? What an idiotic day.  It’s an Albert Hoffman meets Lewis Carroll hallucinatory holiday, a siphoning swirl of tie dyed eggshells and plastic pastel confetti broken up by the nightmare of Jesus’s bloody palms and headless chocolate house pets. Continue reading Ben’s Diary: Yesterday Was My Birthday But I Didn’t Celebrate It

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Ben’s Diary: I Had To Go To Two Wedding Showers On The Same Day And Thought I Was Going To Have A Panic Attack But I Didn’t

Anxietyparty

Dear Diary,

This past weekend I had to go to two wedding showers on the same day and thought I was going to have a panic attack, but I didn’t.

In an effort to step up my dickish wedding game, I agreed to go to two wedding showers [Siya note: What the PHUCK is a wedding shower? I thought that was a bridal shower. For women.][Ben note: 1.) Siya, what the actual fuck? How did you get into my diary?  2.) It’s the same thing, only it’s all-inclusive, but not like resorts are all-inclusive, instead like how unisex bathrooms are all-inclusive.] on the same day, for the same couple.  It’s important to mention that I’m really happy for the couple and excited to share in their love and blah blah blah, this isn’t about them.  It’s about me.  THOUGH… indulge me on one important tangent on the groom-to-be who I’ve known for many years: THIS DUDE PUTS SALT ON SOUR PATCH KIDS.  I don’t care who you are, that’s weird as shit.

For most of my adult life I’ve had severe social anxiety which often results in crippling panic attacks.  This can make going to things like wedding showers a huge fucking ordeal for me.  Never had a panic attack before?  1.) Fuck you, you lucky bastard.  2.) Let me describe one for you.

A panic attack is basically like a fine dining experience with a chef’s special menu, only everything being served is pain.  Picture it like such: Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Had To Go To Two Wedding Showers On The Same Day And Thought I Was Going To Have A Panic Attack But I Didn’t

Ben’s Diary: I Just Realized I Forgot To RSVP To A Wedding In 2009 And I’m Not Going To Do Anything About It

weddinginvite

Dear Diary,

I just realized I forgot to RSVP to a wedding. In 2009. I’m not going to do anything about it.

I can’t do anything about it. It’s like way, way, way too late. Sometimes life tosses you moments where all you can do is go, “Whelp, I’m a dick.” Not responding to a wedding invitation is very uncool, me. It’s probably even worse than that time I didn’t write any thank you cards after my high school graduation party. On the other hand, it’s probably not as bad as that time Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Just Realized I Forgot To RSVP To A Wedding In 2009 And I’m Not Going To Do Anything About It

Ben’s Diary: I Shattered My Phone Screen And I Still Didn’t Buy A Case

screencrackedemoji

Dear Diary,

I shattered my phone screen and I still didn’t buy a case.

I currently rock an iFunSIX®™©, which is not an endorsement of the phone (though if you DO want your company’s name here, holler at this dude.  I will sell out for cash.  #nobrandintegrity), but is an actual fact. It’s the fourth or fifth iteration of the Fruit Phone I’ve owned.  Never once during any of those purchases have I felt the need to get an extended warranty or a phone case.  Every single time I’ve declined those two options, I’ve had the exact same conversation with the exact same spray-tanned sales rep. Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Shattered My Phone Screen And I Still Didn’t Buy A Case

Ben’s Diary: I Tried To Learn German But Didn’t

germanhoff

Dear Diary,

Last night I tried to learn German but didn’t.

In a few weeks I’m traveling abroad because my life is dope and I do dope shit.  In preparation I thought it’d be a good idea to start learning some German phrases.  The only problem?  When I went to google German phrases, I accidently googled David Hasselhoff instead.  Common mistake I assume.

Diary, do you know how dope David Hasselhoff is?

The dude has been in some really cool shit.  Sure, he had those iconic roles in Baywatch and Knight Rider (Which, by the way, if you don’t think Knight Rider is permanently embedded in American culture, you need jump into Microsoft Word, type “Night Rider” without the quotes, and watch Clippy’s underground army of underliners flip the fuck out.), but I didn’t realize he had been in so much Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Tried To Learn German But Didn’t

Ben’s Diary: I Wore Skinny Jeans For The First Time And Nothing Happened

SkinnyJeans
Dear Diary,

This past weekend I wore skinny jeans for the first time and nothing happened.

To properly tell this story, we’re going to have to go back, way back, all the way to the BIG BANG.  And then fast forward a lot, really fast to get to like whenever skinny jeans became a thing again.  And I say again because skinny jeans were fucking huge in the 50s.  Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, Gene Autry, some fictional dude named Cisco Kid, which aside in an aside, totally makes me want to hear the Thong Song remixed over a Cudder beat.  And if we’re being really historical in this bitch, skinny pants were like the dopest in the 1660s.  White wig wearing white men went fucking ape shit for their tight breeches, their tautness making it easier to run down would-be slaves.  Yes, I did some basic Wikipedia research on tight pants.  No, it’s not even close to the weirdest thing I researched yesterday.

Anyway, the Fiat of pants, I thought skinny jeans looked stupid as fuck when they were introduced to my life during their popularity boon of 20whenever.  I mainly had three issues with them:
Continue reading Ben’s Diary: I Wore Skinny Jeans For The First Time And Nothing Happened