We get it, Kellz. Snakes are mysterious AF, and can be fun to charm and seduce like those talented Indian guys do. But, you know what else they are? Suffocating. Poisonous. Sneaky. If you trust them to be harmless without knowing enough about em, they’ll come back to bite ya. JANET, YOU TWO-TIMIN TEMPTRESS!
Sorry, um… Snakes. That’s where we were. The pied piper may love how she get down, but snake-play in bed? That’s some scary $hit…make sure that thing’s defanged 😉
In cynical celebration of our favorite death celebrating season, we’re going all out on fear based topics this month. Every day, Ben will present one thing that scares him, ranging from the anxious and annoying to the deadly and doomed. This is… Things That Scare Me.
I’ve got a confession to make. It’s a hard one too. I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but… I could never be Batman. I know, I know. I’m just as hurt as you. Who would have thought a married dude with lower middle class ambitions, thick-rimmed glasses, the hand-eye coordination of a one-eyed moose, and a standing height roughly that of an upright Pomeranian couldn’t be Batman? Well I thought it. Because it’s the truth. Because I couldn’t be Batman. Because dude, I’m fucking SCARED of caves.
And it’s not just caves. It’s everything underground. Sewers, tunnels, shallow graves, it’s all terrifying if it’s below the surface of the earth. I want nothing to do with any of it. I’m sure there’s a deep-seeded psychological reasoning for this fear, perhaps a claustrophobic experience in the womb, but if that’s true, I don’t want to know. I want to keep everything surface level at all times, because the deeper you go, both into the earth and into your mind, the scarier shit gets.
Look, I don’t need to spend an afternoon hugging stalagmites to appreciate nature. I know a lot of people who disagree with that, so if you’re a geologist or a spelunker, that’s whatever, you’re cool. You’re an insane, crazy person, but you’re still cool. Because you can still be Batman. You can post up and brood in the dark, moist corners of grand caverns, desolate spots reserved for bats, bugs, and mole people, and not panic. You can squeeze into tight crevices, exploring new rock formations and mineral deposits. You can do you! But don’t expect me to follow with a bucket of lubricant for when you get stuck. No way. Fuck that.
You know the easiest way of avoiding ever being buried alive, a slow death by suffocation? BY NOT FUCKING GOING UNDERGROUND! Sure, there are freak natural occurrences you can’t avoid, sudden rock slides or earthquakes, or sentient dirt people looking to gangbang. That happens. But death by premature burial, especially self-inflicted, is one of the EASIEST deaths to avoid. Never go underground for any reason ever. Nope, not even for buried gold. Nope, not even to rescue a princess a golem. Nope, not even to be Batman. Case closed.
Ben and I had a brief argument about breaking down “Thriller” for this scary month of October… Very well might, but for now – let’s mull over this selection I definitely do NOT phuck with! The Earth Song is mad eery, fam! Let’s start with the spaced out minor keys. Right there, you’re already ominous for no phuckin reason. Then, he adds the organs and harp strings being strummed by the fingers of the invisible dark hand of the free market killing Michael’s sunrise and rain.
“Did you ever stop to notice all the children dying of war?” NOPE… sorry, Michael. The hand is invisible, and it covers its eyes so all that stuff is invisible to it. It’s all of us…killing all of our children… and the rain, and the sunrise, and the dead elephants in that video. HOLY $HIT, that’s a phucked up video, Michael!
The most messed up part is when the Earth has had enough, and blows back. HARD! The invisible hand of the market is badass and coddles badasses like Donald Trump, but it’s no match for mother nature’s fury – especially if she has blood coming out of her “wherever”.
Afterall, the earth will survive US. WE ain’t $hit. The Earth has seen far worse times and things than our invisible hand. There was that one time a big assteroid crashed into the Earth, and kinda killed every breathing thing in it. Know who survived that? EARTH. Then there was that giantwere SEVERAL Ice Age (s), where every breathing thing was frozen… Guess who else survived that? EARTH AGAIN. EARTH is a rider. Earth will be fine. Will we? Maybe that’s what scared Michael. Maybe that’s some scary $hit to consider…naaaah. We’ll be fine! I’m jus blowin smoke..into the OZONE LAYER!