Thank New Daily Show Host Trevor Noah, If You’re 1 Of These 3 Americans!

It’s about TIME! Do you realize how many times I have heard you people speak and wanted to tear my hair out??? A lot, that’s how much! This is why I don’t have the dreadlocks I was destined to have.

{Ben’s Note: Woah, woah, woah! What the fuck do you mean “YOU PEOPLE”?}

Here’s a test. Read the following words out loud: “NIKE”… “AUNT”… “ZEBRA”. Easy, right?

If you’re one of these 3 people, you are “YOU PEOPLE”, and I hate you. Fix Yourself:

1. You read the sports apparel name as “ny-kee”. -_- Oh, you did? When did you learn to ride a “bi-kee”, huh? Think this will get a buncha “li-kees” when you share it with your dumb friends on facebook-ee? WELL, DO YA, PUNK-EE?

2. Your parent’s sister is actually a small disproportionately strong insect. She lives in an ant-hill, and serves the collective will of the colony. Why else would you pronounce her title like that?  You should be pronouncing it like the delicious pastry “croissANT”. On another note, French is idiotic too. Way dumber. Let’s just surrender that battle of pronunciation and hope Americans have a plan to help.

3. Ever met a chick named Debra? I bet you did, and thought “I’ll have NO problem pronouncing THAT girl’s name. Debra… Debra Debra Debra Debraaaaa”  Then, you were smacked in the head with a stupid stick, and when you saw this striped animal, your brain forgot how to pronounce her name, and that’s why you should thank my fellow South African, Trevor Noah for restoring your speech and pathology here:

Potato Of The Day Episode 100

Potato of the Day Episode 1Remember this? Probably not. It’s been a long time. A real long time. That was the FIRST Potato Of The Day. That’s where this nonsense all started. A Snapchat of a Red Idaho Potato just straight chillin’. Remember it now? Remember how I promised that potato wouldn’t go all Drake on us? Remember how I said it’d stay zero forever? Remember that? Well that potato stayed at zero. But you and me? WE MADE TO ONE HUNDRED FUCKING POTATOES. ONE HUNDRED. THAT’S TRIP-DIGITS MOTHAFUCKAS! Give yourself a round of applause. Now point that sound at me. Dude, come on! I’ve earned it.

I know broke some promises along the way. I lied to you a lot. I told you this was POTATO Of The Day, then I threw a bunch of not-potatoes at you. I wrote some fiction. I wrote some gibberish. Hell, I took a stab at haiku. I’d link to those things, but this is the 100th Potato Of The Day. I don’t have to do shit on this on. You can use the search bar for yourself. I also lied about this not going all Drake on our ass. BECAUSE WE WENT 0-100, didn’t we? Nope! Got you! THAT was a lie. We went 1-100. There was never a Potato Of The Day Episode 0, ya dummy.

That very first Potato Of The Day was barely 100 words. Now these things stretch. On Tuesday, I went over 650 words. That’s too many words for a potato. Potatoes can’t read. But you, you CAN read. And for that, I thank you. Thank you for the likes, the shares, the clicks. Thank you for help making these random bursts of insanity worthwhile. Thank you for reading. Not all of them have been great, but it’s great to have you there for all of them.

Potato Of The Day will continue. Just not tomorrow. I’m taking a break. ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING WHY? BECAUSE I’VE DONE ONE HUNDRED OF THESE FUCKING THINGS AND I’M A LITTLE BURNT OUT. FUCK, DUDE. DON’T ASK SO MANY QUESTIONS.

But thanks. For real. And thank you, Red Idaho Potato. You’re still a goddamned inspiration to us all.

Pardon Me While I Search Engine Optimize, Tom Brady

tombrady
If you came here for content, turn around and get the fuck out now, bro. Because this is allllllll Tom Brady all the time up in here! WE’RE TALKING FOUR RINGS FOR FREEDOM BABY! Tom Brady is a free man. FREE. Minus the cost of lawyers, bitches.

It’s time to celebrate and ride that pretty boy’s coattails. Let’s search engine optimize the fuck out of this blog!

Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady.

Ugh, yeah, give me those clicks. CLICK ME GOOD, BABY! CLICK ME SO GOOD. CLICK ME GOOD-ELL!

Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell Roger Goodell.

THAT’S RIGHT MOTHAFUCKERS, GOOGLE THAT SHIT. COME TO PAPA. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. DON’T DEFLATEGATE ME, DARLING.

Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate Deflategate.

Ugh, didn’t that feel nice? You want more? YOU WANT THESE FOOTBALLS, DON’T CHA? DON’T YOU WISH YOUR BALLGHAZI BLOG WAS OPTIMIZED LIKE ME (DONTCHA)?

Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi BallghaziBallghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi BallghaziBallghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi BallghaziBallghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi BallghaziBallghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi Ballghazi BallghaziBallghazi

NFL! Courts! New England Patriots! Victory! Super Bowl! Cheaters! Scandal! Deflated! Footballs! Ball boys! Appeal! Suspension! Four Games! FUCK YEAH, THAT’S THE GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE, GIVE IT ALL TO ME. GIVE ME ALL YOUR KEYWORDS YOU DIRTY FOOTBALL CHEATING FUCKBOYS!

I’mma go tag the shit out of this post now. TOM BRADY, BITCHES. Tom Brady.