We know you thought of him mainly as Jaden Smith’s dad. That he is, and lucky to be. But, before the underrated masterpiece that was “After Earth”, Mike Lowry was breakin em off Big Willie Style. What’s that? Hand claps? Got it, Hymn time it is, Jaden’s dad!
Sorry if I’m a little subdued today guys, but this morning I suffered a little trauma. Some dude hit my Roma tomatoes. Yeah, I know. It’s just not right. I’m still recovering, still a little sore over the whole ordeal. Frankly, right when it happened, I wanted to puke. But I didn’t. I’m a man. Have to stay strong in the face of adversity and all that, you know? So I just knelt down and held those hurting Romas in my hand, and I nurtured them. And then I tried to go about my day, but dude, that Roma hurt is still there.
What kind of man hits another man’s Romas? That’s sacred fruit we’re talking about! You don’t do that. It’s not cool. No, it’s not. Romas are precious. They should be treated like the fragile Faberge eggs that they are, protected and guarded like family jewels. Because really, they need our protection, and our consensual agreement not to attack them. They’re helpless! You don’t attack the garden area, man. That’s gotta be in the Geneva Conventions. Someone please look that up for me. I would, but, I’m so hurt, I can’t bear the thought of standing. I’m drowning in a pool of deeply emotional physical pain, you know?
Can you picture how hard it would be to be a Roma? To live that life? The same thing, day in, day out, unless your world is ripped apart by a sudden and unexpected attack. Sure, there’s minor variance in the Roma world, they come in different shapes and sizes, varying in color and hue, some wrinkling, some smooth, some filled with way more juice than others, but in the end, they’re all biologically the same. They’re all Romas! They all get by with nothing more than a thin layer of skin covering their seed. They all bruise. They all dangle just below the vine.
I can’t stop thinking about all those other poor Roma tomatoes suffering rampant abuse in the world. It might be accidental, a little love tap. It might be intentional, a deliberate kick. But either way, it’s all pain. There’s nothing good that comes from Roma hurt. You know what happens when you get hurt, like a real nasty, cut or scratch? You have to sterilize the wound. Well the same is true for your Romas. If they get hurt badly enough, they get sterilized. We can’t have that. It’s bad for their species. It’s bad for our species. Protect the Roma tomatoes, dude. It’s the right thing to do.
1st of all, let’s get one thing straight. NOBODY likes avocados THAT much. We put up with them, for the guacamole. That’s really about it. Ben pointed out with a Potato Of The Day 47 how Big Avocado is hard at work in the slimy, disgusting business. The ruse clearly got to THIS toddler. Here’s several reasons why I call B.S. 😉 on this reaction:
a)Kids are anti-veggies AS IS. Don’t believe me? Please, tell me how you would pitch AVOCADO to a kid. Where do you start? Is it the great bland taste? The slimey green nothingness? Hm?
ii) It’s the kid’s BIRTHDAY. Remember those? They came once a year, and the whole world would stop to recognize your existence at least for a song, and until you had no more cake to feed the fake excitement? Despite all the hoopla, it’s fair to expect a TREAT to your desires on that one day. Anything ranging from a toy car, trip to Chuck-E-Cheese (IN THE BAHAMAS), or
maybe a U.S. Green Card would be acceptable. But, AN AVOCADO? GTFOH!
3) That kid’s either a future Academy Award winning actor, or he is an informed idiot. He clearly passed the “gratitude test” (which, btw WTF kinda draconian parenting trick was that, DAD OF THE YEAR?). More notably, the kid’s 5 TOPS… WHY and HOW does he know what an avocado IS? AT WHAT POINT in his life so far has anyone brought him THAT useless piece of information? Watch the video and judge for yourselves.