Today marks the 14th Anniversary of a career cut FAR TOO SHORT. If you love to get “2 On” like Tinashe, hit that “1,2 Step” with Ciara, or are all about that “Single Ladies” classic (YEA, I SAID IT, BEY-HIVE. You don’t scare me) – you’re watching shadows of Ms. Hughton. Long before any of these one-name-superstars were poppin, Baby-girl was the gold-standard of finesse, feminism, and swagga that outmatched anyone in the room. Out of all the above comparisons, the best replica that can remind you of everything that Aaliyah was to music, pop culture, and a young fresh uncompromising swag is who Rihanna has grown into being. For this turn up, her musical guide and mentor Timbaland lays the background for her to paint a perfect audio-visual picture on this ultimatum anthem.
Hey guys, your momma’s so fat, the grocer sold her as a plantain! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh what’s the matter bananas, you feeling a little red? You know, because your skin’s pigmentation and whatnot! #BURN. Just like your sunburnt looking ass! GOTCHA AGAIN! So I heard that red bananas have a slight mango flavor. You know who else has a slight mango flavor? YOUR MOM! Because she’s also a red banana, and human beings like me eat red bananas so therefore I’d know what she tastes like. HA! Get it? No? Gosh, you red bananas really aren’t enjoying this, huh? What gives? Seriously, why so angry guys? What are you, Bruce Bananer? Well two can play that game. YOU WON’T LIKE ME WHEN I’M HUNGRY! HAHAHA!
Oh hush, calm down guys, there’s no reason to get yourself in a bunch. #TOOLATE! #SICKBURNTHESEQUEL. I didn’t realize you guys had such thin peels! You know, instead of skin. That’s a sick play on words, banabros. Woah, woah, woah! Where are you guys going? Okay, okay, my bad! There’s no reason to split! HAAAAAAAAA! Sorry you guys, I just can’t help myself. Unless we’re talking about a profitable export from East Africa, in which case, I can’t help you because you’ve already been picked! Haa… wait, that one wasn’t very good. Kind of like you, am I ripe? HIGH FIVE THIS PLAYA! Oh wait, you can’t! Because your fruit is called a finger, not a hand!
Alright, alright, I know I’m not being fair. I need to give you a chance to return fire. So hit me with it red bananas, give me your sickest burn. ROAST ME!
Annnd… that would have been a great comeback for a SILENT film. You know, because you didn’t say anything? You know, because you don’t have mouths to make sounds with? You know, because silent films also didn’t have mouth sounds in them. HA! Man, am I on a roll today or what? Just like you when you’re covered in cream cheese! BOOM! Pastry recipe humor in the house! I like you guys. Really, I do! I think it’s all that potassium. Without it, you’d really be cramping my style! Oh boy, someone spray me down cause I’m on FIRE! Just don’t hose the bananas, that’s their skin, not flames! #TWOTHINGSTHATARERED
Okay, this has been fun guys, but I need to run. You’ve been great, a real top banana! For real guys, you don’t need to listen to anymore of my banana oil! I mean this has been a real banana skin for you! #SEQUENTIALBANANAIDIOMS Okay, maybe just one more! PENIS, YOU LOOK LIKE A PENIS. Ha! Well, that one could use some work. It was sort of low hanging fruit! I know, why don’t you go hang out in a banana hammock until I figure it out… HA! Get it? Because, penis. From before. Jokes. Ben out!
They say art imitates life. Let “Take It To The Head” singer – Chris Brown – tell it, life can imitate art too. The hook to that song ends “no excuses, no apologies”, and neither can be present for his latest musing and artful expression. Here’s a video of him with his tattoo artist:
That’s right. He got the goddess of love, desire, and beauty straight to the head – no chaser. *sigh*… Well… that’s it. It’s there, now. So, he joins the ranks of other celebrity notables to canvas de los cabezas (that’s right, some Spanglish in there, for no reason. Word To Trump). Let’s rank our next “best” head tats in the game:
Remember that one time Cash Money Records’ Birdman let his “5 Star Stunna” album title get to his head?
But, of course Big Money Heavyweight Iron Mike was the originator of facial recognition:
Then Grammy and Oscar Winner, Jamie Foxx Felt left out:
But he needed to cool it, like the Trap God, Gucci Mane Le Flare:
This one is just to make you smile after seeing all those horrible life decisions, and killers of all LinkedIn profile pictures: