Five Tips For Surviving Your New School


Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.

Assert Yourself
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”

Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.

Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!

Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.

When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!


3 thoughts on “Five Tips For Surviving Your New School

  1. This may sound a little dorky, but don’t underestimate how much more comfortable you’ll feel at your new school if you actually know where you’re going on the first day. Not only should you pay attention in orientation, but you should grab a map of the school if you can, so you can begin to figure out the best way to move from class to class.


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