This song is to soothe ya anxieties pon di week inna dem! Nevermind the fact that it’s a lazy video of a video shoot. 1st Day of School Problems? ALL NICE! Fear of a “Black Monday”? NOPE POPCAAAN! Now, this was fine on its own until some genius on the youtube comments suggested watching the video in 1.25 times speed setting, and this suddenly takes a turn from Jamaican slow jam to a sprint to this week’s FACE! RUN IT.
Say it with me: “THIS IS NOT ANOTHER 2008 CRASH”. It is not even close. Natural bear markets are simply not the same as fundamentally and functionally flawed market practices that landed the World Economy in the worst crisis since the Great Depression. Lost Ya? Fine. Maybe Apple CEO Tim Cook, and Donald Trump can help (yea, comin in EARLY with the Donald mention this week – we know you missed it). Here’s a quick 1-2 punch at your unfounded fears of a “Black Monday” (big shout out to Chuck D, and Flavor Flav of course)
America is currently the largest economy by far nominally (about $18 Trillion to #2 China’s $11). But, that won’t be true for long. With China’s population sitting around 4 times the size of America’s (1.3 BILLION PEOPLE) and a middle class around the size of ALL AMERICANS. Put simply, that’s about 350 Million people with more than enough money to survive and buy Nike shoes, and iPhones. The more of these that are bought by this Chinese middle class, the more stock speculation money investors who bet on that happening worldwide get to cash in on. While, last week we found out that China isn’t growing as fast as your 401K and retirement fund managers might like – this isn’t the end of the world. As more and more Chinese people move out of poverty into the middle class, China will become the world’s undisputed economic champion – at least for a while. This is inevitable. Managing the road there has proved a challenge for the centrally controlled mixed markets in Beijing, but we’ll get there sometime mid-century one way or another. So, when your favorite Presidential candidate says:
He maybe right about the planning part, but unless he’s gettin ready to quadriple America’s population and spending dollar real quick (watch out, ladies 😉 ), there’s nothing any coming President can do about this rising tide from the east – and really why would you want to?
SO BASICALLY: All speculation is not equal worldwide. China is figuring out how to act with new money. Give it some time, and stop betting on that economy to perform like America’s matured markets… (in bed)
As China grows and slows (together with all other BRICS countries), they almost form the wake on which the next best markets surf on. So when that Boat slows down, the wake breaks, and fun times come to ugly splashes from all those dependent on sustainable (and more importantly STABLE) Chinese economic growth. Where there is growth, manufacturing plants need to be built and property needs to be bought to house them. That’s usually a result of more things needing to be made in the manufacturing sector for a population that has more income to buy more cars, iPhones, and chocolate, for instance.
Seeing as today’s main source of fuel for continued growth and keeping the economic engine greasy on that is oil, its easy to see how that drives presumed supply and demand. Oil “supply and demand”, however, is based on speculation… speculation that China would continue to grow and need more oil at some arbitrarily expected pace. This means OPEC (oil monopoly) keeps up the million barrels a day rate of supply, while the real world only needs half that. When that China growth slows down, and they DON’T need as much oil as speculated – market oil prices reflect the lessening demand by pummeling the barrel price below $40.
SO BASICALLY: As the saying goes, “follow the money”. Nothing follows market monies as consistently as oil and other commodity prices. Far too often, oil prices follow the fast money (market speculation) so closely that they’ll happily walk into a wall with it, causing even more volatility. We’re producing more of something we don’t need more off. Good for your car fill up price, bad for your retirement plan.
This is a comment on how oil markets work, not on how well your GE, IBM, or Apple is doing. In fact, here’s part of an e-mail from Apple CEO Tim Cook sent to Finance jester, Jim Cramer just this morning:
I continue to believe that China represents an unprecedented opportunity over the long term as LTE penetration is very low and most importantly the growth of the middle class over the next several years will be huge
There you have it! Having a cold, or even a week of pneumonia or mono is not a death sentence. It is manageable. You’ll be fine.
talked to texted a few investor friends on trading floors across the country watching that fateful “DOW” that was trending twice on twitter this morning, and opened at a negative -1,000 points, and they all agree that after a 6-year bull-run (constant growth), a correction of real stock asset prices was inevitable. Instead of 4-5 million iPhones or Nike Sneakers, China will buy closer to 3 million. CALM DOW! #NoTypo
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting really sick of this creeping acorn squash season bullshit. I mean, come on. It’s not even September yet. Why the hell are acorn squashes on display? Can’t we let our kids finish going back to school before we put those out? Do we really need to just sweep all the bright red Delicious apples under the rug already? This is madness. NO ONE NEEDS AN ACORN SQUASH IN AUGUST. No one. No, shut up. You don’t need one. I know you don’t. You’re just being a dick.
Think about it. When was the last time you bought an acorn squash? Maybe, what, January? Exactly. Because it’s a fucking WINTER squash. Does it look like winter outside to you right now? If it does, ease off the LSD dude. You’re in too deep. There’s no logical explanation for a winter squash to be rocking the grocery store shelf in late August. The first day of FALL isn’t for another month. Sure, sure, call me a denialist all you want, but I don’t need to be rocking winter seasonal squash when we’re over an entire SEASON away from winter. THAT’S LUNACY!
And it’s not just acorn squash. It’s everything. Halloween candy is in stock now! Because who wouldn’t want to stock their cabinets full of high fructose corn syrup 67 days before they’ll need it? You’ll only be at the store, what, a dozen, a dozen and a half, more times before then! WHAT IF YOU FORGOT?!!!? (Okay, shush, don’t be person who brings up my paper towel problems. It’s not fair to use me against me.) And heaven forbid you don’t have your candy corn ready to rock before Labor Day. WHO COULD BEAR THAT FUCKING TRAVESTY?
This isn’t acorn squash’s fault. Acorn squash didn’t decide to put itself on display in August. In fact, acorn squash has never made a decision in its entire life. That’s because it’s squash, a decidedly non-sentient object. But you know who is sentient? You know who can think? You know who can make decisions? You. Yes, you can. Even you, LSD dude. So when you’re out grocery shopping this week, make the right choice. Don’t give in. Don’t buy an out of season acorn squash. Don’t be an enabler to the creep of acorn squash season. You’re better than that. We all are.
Oh great, mom and dad decided to move. Again. Now here you are on the first day of class, in a strange, stupid school, full of strange, stupid teachers and strange, stupid students. How do you survive? Here’s five tips for getting through that awkward first week in your new elementary school.
It’s important to establish your social standing right away at a new school, so take advantage of the friend making opportunities available to you and make an impression on the very first day. Seek out the most popular kid, the one always surrounded by giggling gaggle of girls, and shank that fucker with a pair of safety scissors. If you’re worried your chubby little child hands can’t muster up enough brute force to puncture a liver with a dull tip, just push little miss playground princess off the monkey bars. Then sign her new cast the next day “Your BFF – or else.”
Make an Impression on the Teacher
Literally. Dominating the classroom is just as important as dominating the playground. It is school after all! And while it may take time for a new teacher to recognize your brilliance, you can work to speed up that process. Start collecting sticky tack from the back of those bullshit inspirational posters your school has plastered everywhere. Wait until you have enough for a heavy ball, then during math, whip that shit at the back of teach’s head. Bonus points for a concussion. You’ll probably get caught, so blame it on a poor kid. Your teacher knows they’re headed for a life of crime anyway, and will assume you’re smart for calling them out.
Learn When To Share
There’s a lot of peer pressure in school, so sometimes it can be difficult to know when to share and when not share. For example, you definitely shouldn’t feel compelled to share the attention of you crush with that skinny blonde bimbo, Suzy. You saw Tommy first. Dibs are dibs. However, you should feel compelled to share your art supplies. Specifically, a fist full of Crayolas in that bitch’s mouth if she makes a move on your boy. If teach comes around during your art lesson, just claim you thought the Bubblegum crayon was real gum. Oops, silly you!
Master Conflict Resolution
During the course of your education, it will become necessary to resolve conflict with your peers. You’ll need to learn how to navigate those moments of conflict resolution. Confused? That’s just a complicated way of saying “Snitches get staples.” So the next time that chubby snotball, Chris tries to rat on you, go to town on his tongue with teach’s Swingline. It’s hard to snitch when your wordmaker is attached to the bulletin board. Today’s Lunch Special: Chris’ Fat Cow Tongue with a side of Don’t Pull That Shit Again. Don’t worry about getting caught for this one, Chris will be too scared to tell, and they’ll probably send him to the special ed class for not knowing how to use a stapler. Win-Win. For you at least.
When In Doubt, The School Counselor Is Your Best Friend
School counselors are always there for students dealing with the difficulties of adjusting to a new school. So take advantage of those pussies, and use them as a Get Out Of Jail Free card. You’re going to get caught for something eventually, so make sure you know how to cry on command when you do. I know, I know, you’re a badass second grade thug, and crying is fucking weak. Well, would you rather be in trouble? Good, then make sure to really sob, and mention missing your parents and your old school. When shit gets emotional, teach will always send you to the counselor’s office instead of the principal’s. And just like that, you’re in the clear! When there, make sure to tell the counselor how you don’t feel comfortable when you’re alone with whichever parent you hate more, planting the seed for mommy and daddy’s inevitable divorce. So not only did you just get out of trouble, but you got revenge on your parents for sending you to that new piece of shit school. Score!