Hey, Cucumber? Have you seen my…WOAH! My bad, dude! Did not know you had uh… company over. Hey, yeah, hi, how’s it going? I’m Ben and I’m… well, you know what, this is kind of awkward… isn’t it? I mean I know I’m interrupting and all, but dude, you really should have put a sock up on the edge of your 1/3 6” deep clear polycarbonate food pan, you know? That’s just standard code for “hey we’re playing pickle my pickle”, you know? It’s just nice to give a guy a heads up, let him know you’re busy. As in, getting busy. You know what I’m saying? You feeling my vibe? You picking up what I’m putting down?
Oh no, no! You don’t have to go! I’ll just leave you and my dude Cucumber to ferment in a little vinegar. You know what I mean? Haha, of course you guys do. Bathe in a little brine, am I right? Maybe get your creeping vine on? Oh, I’m sorry, yeah… you’re probably getting really uncomfortable right now aren’t you? My bad. For real. Super sorry, you guys, I know I’m overstaying my welcome here. It’s just, now that I’m taking all of this in, I sort of have a few questions…
Like how the hell did you guys even meet? I don’t want to sound ignorant here, but I didn’t even know slices of cylindrical gourd fruit even hooked up? I kind of just assumed you guys were asexual, inanimate not intimate. Do you have places you go to meet other cucs? I mean, I get that this is hellaz ignorant on my part, but like, how do you guys even… swap seeds? Is that what you do? Oh wow, yeah, I can tell I’m really making you uncomfortable. Overstepping my bounds! My bad! Did NOT mean to pry. Just curiosity, cats, etc. You know?
But hey… one thing real quick before I go? Are you guys, well, being safe? Because Cucumber, dude, you should always be safe, you know? Like I know you’re capable of being safe, I saw an old lady in health class put a rubber on your brother one time. Oh no, no! It’s not like that. It was just a demonstration! I swear! His brother isn’t a weirdo, cross-species, vegetable-human breeder. Relax, it’s all cool, for real! Oh wow, I’m really killing the mood in here, aren’t I? This… is… unfortunate. Umm… my bad.
But uh, yeah. I’ll just take off now. Well… have fun you two! Let me know if there’s anything you need! Oh, crap, no not like that… I… time to shut up now, right guys? Annnnndd… Ben is out. Goodbye! See you later, Cucumber and… friend. Nice to meet you! Add me on Snapchat? What? Too far, right? Yup, too far.