Top 7 Vicious Reactions To Geno Smith’s Broken Jaw #NoChillZone

*smfh*. Look at y’all! You’re proud of yourselves, aint you? With that smug-face, looking at the New York Jets already uphill battle to bhahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAH! NO…. NO! It’s not funny! That man is now out for virtually the whole season because, he had a teammate who was as much of a childish ass as y’all are for these jokes about Geno Smith’s broken jaw! Let’s review some of what you said:

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LEAVE. MY PATRIOTS. OUT OF THIS.

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Fun Fact: Kanye’s jaw was fractured in 3 places. Geno’s jaw got fractured in 3 places. Coincidence? I DON’T THINK SO!

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Succint. Straight to the punchline. We’ll allow it… like Geno did.

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If you have a problem with me bloggin about Trump, you should probably take 5…. months, or however long it will take for him to drop out.

Okay, we get the general drift of this. How bout we try one?
Sources close to the Jets say Geno threw the first punch… but it was intercepted as it was 6 yards short. 

How’s that? That work? Uuuh, you’re the twitterers… not us. But follow us there @benandsiyablog
Then see if any of our non-violent suggestions over $600 disputes are fitting for ya next office altercation, eh?

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Turnip Tuesday: Rae Sremmurd – “Up Like Trump”

The young ear drummers from the birthplace of Elvis in Mississippi told you they ain’t got “No Type“. They have a turn-up switch, and that bish is either ON or off.  This was recorded long before the Donald’s racist sexist xenophobic presidential campaign was declared.  As Swae Lee noted “Forbes list, Forbes listt: read it like a bible!”. All he sees is the Donald surrounded by gold, and that’s his level of the turnip. So don’t judge him and his brother Slim Jimmy – you ain’t “got a Igoudala OR a nickel”! UP LIKE TRUMP!

Potato Of The Day Episode 85

cucumberloveHey, Cucumber? Have you seen my…WOAH! My bad, dude! Did not know you had uh… company over. Hey, yeah, hi, how’s it going? I’m Ben and I’m… well, you know what, this is kind of awkward…  isn’t it? I mean I know I’m interrupting and all, but dude, you really should have put a sock up on the edge of your 1/3 6” deep clear polycarbonate food pan, you know? That’s just standard code for “hey we’re playing pickle my pickle”, you know? It’s just nice to give a guy a heads up, let him know you’re busy. As in, getting busy. You know what I’m saying? You feeling my vibe? You picking up what I’m putting down?

Oh no, no! You don’t have to go! I’ll just leave you and my dude Cucumber to ferment in a little vinegar. You know what I mean? Haha, of course you guys do. Bathe in a little brine, am I right? Maybe get your creeping vine on? Oh, I’m sorry, yeah… you’re probably getting really uncomfortable right now aren’t you? My bad. For real. Super sorry, you guys, I know I’m overstaying my welcome here. It’s just, now that I’m taking all of this in, I sort of have a few questions…

Like how the hell did you guys even meet? I don’t want to sound ignorant here, but I didn’t even know slices of cylindrical gourd fruit even hooked up? I kind of just assumed you guys were asexual, inanimate not intimate. Do you have places you go to meet other cucs? I mean, I get that this is hellaz ignorant on my part, but like, how do you guys even… swap seeds? Is that what you do? Oh wow, yeah, I can tell I’m really making you uncomfortable. Overstepping my bounds! My bad! Did NOT mean to pry. Just curiosity, cats, etc. You know?

But hey… one thing real quick before I go? Are you guys, well, being safe? Because Cucumber, dude, you should always be safe, you know? Like I know you’re capable of being safe, I saw an old lady in health class put a rubber on your brother one time. Oh no, no! It’s not like that. It was just a demonstration! I swear! His brother isn’t a weirdo, cross-species, vegetable-human breeder. Relax, it’s all cool, for real! Oh wow, I’m really killing the mood in here, aren’t I? This… is… unfortunate. Umm… my bad.

But uh, yeah. I’ll just take off now. Well… have fun you two! Let me know if there’s anything you need! Oh, crap, no not like that…  I…  time to shut up now, right guys? Annnnndd… Ben is out. Goodbye! See you later, Cucumber and… friend. Nice to meet you! Add me on Snapchat? What? Too far, right? Yup, too far.

Are You Mad At Your Quarterback? Here’s 5 Things To Do Instead Of Sucker Punching His Face

Geno_Punch

Geno Smith, the Jets’ starting quarterback, is officially out 6-10 weeks following the news that he was sucker punched in the face by a teammate, linebacker Ikemefuna Enemkpali. Enemkpali was immediately released following the incident. So it turns out you get fired if you go all Ronda Rousey on the leader of your team’s face. Who knew!

In case you ever find yourself in a similar situation as Enemkpali, here are five things you should, would, and could do instead of sucker punching your quarterback in the face!

Give him a Wet Willy.
Yes, Wet Willies are totally childish, but they’re not nearly as childish as breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. So instead of socking a few teeth loose, why not let loose with a saliva covered finger all up in his ear drum? Isn’t that satisfying? Well you can’t do that if his cheeks have swollen so large they cover his ear holes.

Leave a bag of flaming dog shit on his doorstep.
This is a CLASSIC gotcha gag. It’s also classically less violent than breaking your quarterback’s jaw with a sucker punch to the face. Think about how smelly his shoes will be after he stomps out the flames, getting hot, goopy dog shit stuck in Nike treads! Now think about how he probably can’t smell anything if you force his face to swell up like the Goodyear blimp because you broke his jaw with a sucker punch to the face.

Throw him a surprise party and spell his name wrong on the sign.
The look on his face will be so funny when he sees that you didn’t even take the time to spell check his name! Which is the opposite of the look on his face when you clobber it into a thousand broken shards of jaw bone, removing his ability to emote. Throw parties, not fists!

Make mean memes about him.
AKA pull a Drake. As a Canadian, Drake is stellar at non-violent forms of conflict. So instead of balling up your fist and throwing it at your quarterback, why not pretend to be Canadian? Think about all the funny captions you could put around a picture of Geno Smith. You could write something like “Can’t spell ‘Geno Smith is the quarterback of the Jets’ without ‘INT’”.  But you can’t fit that much text around a picture if the picture is of your quarterback’s moon-sized swollen face.

Drive him into the middle of nowhere, steal his cell phone and wallet, and make him walk home.
You really shouldn’t do this to anybody, but if you’re really, really mad, this is a lot nicer than cratering your quarterback’s face with your knuckle Mjölnir. He’ll be all lost and confused and it might even take him a whole day to find his way home. Which is still 6-10 weeks shorter than the time it would take to heal his pulverized jaw fragments if you sucker punch him in the face. That’s a win for everybody! Especially your quarterback’s face.

Watch The Donald Impression To Trump Them All, Jimmy Fallon’s

That’s it! Everybody quit while you’re ahead! The Tonight Show will take it from here on out, folks. Stephen Colbert’s Trump was promising, and more subtle…but sorry, Stephen. Leave the Donald to the pros. You may have heard of Trump’s comments on Fox’s Megyn Kelly “bleeding from her you know what” over the weekend. Jimmy wants to set the record straight on that. This here, folks, is about as spot on as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin. America, can we agree to put up with Trump’s hogwash as long as it provides material for Jimmy to bring us more? Watch, Die, and go to Pun Heaven – you DEVIANTS 😉 :