I went WAY too hard on the garlic seasoning last night and now I’m just sitting here like a smelly idiot with my gums secreting spiced saliva. Seriously, my mouth is awful right now. There’s nothing that can help it either. I’ve brushed my teeth roughly twenty thousand times, gargled an ocean of mouthwash, and chewed enough gum that the synthetic rubber polymer industry is throwing parties like they’re Big Oil in Dubai, but it’s all been for naught. My breath is still so rancid with garlic, I could French kiss a vampire to death. Not that a vampire would get close to me. No one wants be near me. When you’re friends with Garlic, Garlic is your only friend.
I’m even sweating garlic right now. SWEATING. As in, garlic scent is pumping out my pores, wafting up in the air like intentional sprayed-on man scent. Garlic is probably the third or fourth worst smelling cologne I can imagine (still better than Summer Heat Dog Shit, Bottled Meat Fart, and Fierce By Abercrombie). It’s a subtle pungency. At first, it’s like okay, sure, garlic – that’s a familiar smell. But then it just sits there, and doesn’t go away, and suddenly your stomach starts turning, and your nose starts crinkling, and your sinuses decide they want to cry out in sobs of snot, and long story short, I’m glad I don’t have any closed door meetings today. “Oh…hey… Ben… let’s, uh… reschedule.”
Is this what our sad, little friend Garlic goes through every day of its stinky life? Poor thing. But, also, fuck you, you know? Because you didn’t have to drag me down with you, Garlic. I was down to have a perfectly normal, if not productive (lolz it wasn’t going to be productive) Monday. I was going to eat a lunch that didn’t taste like garlic. I was going to sit around and not smell like much of anything (let alone a human garlic bulb), and I was going to participate in the normal amount of tooth-brushings as recommended by nine out of ten dentists. But no. Instead, I’m chilling with you, Garlic. You and me. Together. In a stank-cubicle. Sweating.
Honestly though, this smelly day? Worth it. Garlic tastes the most dope. It makes every single food taste better. And it’s got a ton of health benefits. Like the most ever. Garlic is basically Dr. House, fighting cancer, preventing Alzheimer’s, lowering cholesterol, and providing whole smorgasbord of other super powered healthy life living benefits. So that’s a pretty fair trade off for being smelly as shit.
But all that being said… tonight, I’m definitely rocking tomato-basil on my chicken.