Face It: Democracy Needs Trump To Be Louder…And Successful

Two words: CITIZENS UNITED. The Supreme Court case that decided according to majority opinion:

“…The First Amendment prohibits Congress from fining or jailing citizens, or associations of citizens, for simply engaging in political speech”

In layman’s terms, corporations and associations have the right to exercise free speech… via money. Money you said? Not long after followed the birth of SuperPACS – “non profits”  that can raise unlimited money… which they use to buy the opinions and asinine voting records of your local and national politicians.

So when a ranking member of an environmental committee holds up a snow-ball on the Congress floor as proof that “Climate Change is a myth”:

… or when a Congress spend time voting over 50..FIFTY….FIVE ZERO times to repeal a law signed by Congress and upheld in the Supreme Court to prove a point, it’s because they’re getting their orders of dissent from elsewhere besides you calling into your local congressman’s office.

That’s why when the Koch Brothers held a summit with 450 of their fellow big money contributors, all the major GOP candidates, were happy to go kneel at the thrones line up like a bad episode of The Bachelor to share their respective vision of America for sale. All, except the current highest polled candidate, ofcourse – who sent his best wishes via twitter:

So am I a supporter of Donald Trump? No. Do I agree with his stance on immigration (or really anything he spews out of his mouth)? HELL NO! I’m an immigrant myself. It’s some of the most viscerally vile political rhetoric I’ve heard in my short 26 years of life*.  That said, Trump is like that friend who came by when the rest of the crew did – even though he was not included in the group text.


NOW THAT HE’S HERE – we might as well put some use to him… like “go get us some party cups”, or “help us move this furniture, jackhole”.

Every election we get the OPTION to move some political furniture around after completely ignoring it for 4 years. Maybe we won’t completely get rid of rotten corporate furniture, but we can at least rearrange it so it doesn’t affect the decor and layout of our political discourse as much as it has on both sides of the aisle. If not that – with the Koch Brothers and other SuperPac contributors pledging over a BILLION dollars to pick the next leader of the free world – we might as well use our unwelcome, uninvited friend to help us call out the painfully obvious truth: THAT IS BROKEN, ROTTEN FURNITURE WITH MONEY-MAGGOTS LIVING IN IT!

For some reason, we’ve collectively and apathetically elected to sweep that expansively expensive truth under the rug of democracy.  You might have not invited the Donald (hell, I didn’t see anyone shouting “Run-Donald-Run”), but don’t completely dismiss him when he is shining a spotlight on the one thing we ALL agree is as bad for American Democracy as he is, if not worse – Billionaires Buying Elections. Democracy needs Trump to be louder about this, and if he is successful in getting even one news caster to call out this all encompassing virus more than the outgoing news comedian on Comedy Central, isn’t that ONE win we can look forward to going into these first GOP primary debates tonight?

[January 21, 2016UPDATE: 27 years of life, and a hell of a lot more powerful and less of a joke in Donald Trump]

Potato Of The Day Episode 82

tie-dyedpepperYou’re looking at that bell pepper with a little skepticism, aren’t you? Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right! The boys at Cali-Flower Social (Third rebranding this year, spurred on by the lack of west coast clients. Offices still located in New York. West coast clients still missing. Don’t bring it up at the board meeting; everyone is #veryconcerned.) are back at it again! They’ve hooked another big fish, riding the feel-good waves of the Senior Vice President to the Administrative and Financial Chair’s shared yachting route with Mr. Bell Pepper himself. Naturally, the old man championed it as another deal struck together by the shared love of the outdoors! But we know better, at least if you listen to gossip, the hushed whispers during white line bathroom breaks, peon Account Executives murmuring about Bob and Bell’s shared love for DUI defense lawyers, “Breathing fresh air, blowing into a Breathalyzer, what’s the difference, right? But I digress, back to the deals!”

One look at that bell pepper and you just know that Bravo-Toaster, our favorite conniving #MILLENIALEXPERT, now repping hard for haircut 2.0: the undercut, definitely took the lead on this one. “Bros, I’ve been pouring over the social media data from the analysts and I’ve gotta say, it looks like RETRO is back. We def gotta roll with the bloggers on this one!” This was undoubtedly met by a cheer from that one possibly stoned Baby Boomer in the back, the guy no one’s heard speak in a meeting for over six years, apart from the occasional cut-in, a lame joke referencing 60s Free Love (The only brand that matters, mannnn!”) and his wife’s swinging ways. “I’ve been saying it for years, we need to bring tie-dye back, baby!” Bravo-Toaster was in, and despite having never once heard a Grateful Dead song in his entire life, threw down a quick ad-lib, “Yes! Some real Jerry Garcia shit, my man!”

Cynic and Naysayer should have had a field day on the proposal, but they stayed silent, too hung-over from last night’s ironic enjoyment of a pirate-themed club called the Wooden Mast, an underground hole that only played techno remixes of songs by punk legend Black Flag, awful, overproduced EDM tracks by DJs with names like Butterfly Death Sauce and Porky the Pigfucker.  So the proposal received no resistance, the room felt accomplished, and the meeting got adjourned.  But wait, pump the brakes and jump in the moment here, Organized Diversity Hire Woman in the Room, the only source of real intelligence in the meeting (albeit hired solely in response to a webinar titled Don’t Get Sued: Hire Women), wants to know, “But where do we go from here?” Ugh, that bitch. Right, guys?

Bravo-Toaster probably gave her a quick, “We’ll just outsource that shit! Send it to an intern for design.” And once again, we’re all lights green, good to go. See ya on the golf course, boys! But that poor intern in design, lonely, untrained, and unsupervised, has no idea what she’s doing. She just learned Photoshop, like, yesterday, you know? She tries her best, but her color palate is all wrong, and her export settings get messed up, and next thing you know, the manufacturers in China, the ones working for pennies a week, a wage so vastly below livable that they couldn’t find the energy to muster a shit even if they tried, are producing two-toned “tie-dyed” bell peppers that look nothing like tie-dye. Bob, that pesky old Senior Vice President to the Administrative and Financial Chair, gets his prototype proof in the mail, but he doesn’t care, yelling out, “Fuck it! Send it to market anyway. The check’s already cleared!”

And long story short, that’s how you end up with bell peppers that look like that.

Who’s The Bigger Troll, Jon Stewart Or Arby’s?

Arby’s KNOWS. They KNOW they’re terrible. They know you know that they know also. They’re not here to impress you! Their slogan is “WE HAVE THE MEATS” and they diaBETE that into your grey meat with the baritone voice of your bad conscious (aka Melvin from “Baby Boy”, aka Golden Globe winner Ving Rhames).  This was a common trope for all things terrible for outgoing political fun-poker, Jon Stewart. Arby’s kinda loved it:

One has to wonder – as The Daily Show comes to an end tonight – were they in on it the entire time? If so, will Stewart or Arby’s ever admit it? Either way, break bread one more time for this last supper with the odd couple in Arby’s hilarious goodbye commercials that aired last night.

May your time among us come to a graceful, yet far too soon and unexpected ending. Arby’s wouldn’t have it any other way 😉 . Mazel Tov, Jon!