I’m so goddamned sick and tired of waiting for this goddamned papaya to finish installing updates. How long can this even take? I plugged my papaya in HOURS ago. I was told the updates would take just a minute to complete. But I’ve been staring at my papaya progress bar (i.e. the papaya) all morning and it hasn’t moved. Not one fucking inch. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PAPAYA UPDATES? I was explicitly promised a new fruit experience, a rejuvenation of the produce protocol. Well, this feels pretty damn unrejuvenating or juvenating or venating or whatever-the-proper-prefix-reduction-sauce-word-is to me.
I WAS GUARANTEED FRUIT 2.0 BY THE END OF LUNCH. Well they didn’t actually list out lunch as a time. That’s too variable. What’s lunchtime for you isn’t necessary lunchtime for me. Which why do we schedule lunch meetings? It says a lot about us as a society that we’re willing to assume everyone crams digestible slop into their mouths at roughly noon o’clock every damn day. EVERYONE SHUT DOWN YOUR PAPAYAS, WE’RE GOING TO LUNCH. What if I’m not ready for lunch yet? WHAT IF MY PAPAYA IS STILL INSTALLING GODDAMNED UPDATES? What then, huh? COUNT ME OUT FOR LUNCH, CAROL! I’m eating at 3:30 today. Don’t ask questions. Yes, I’m updating my papaya. NO I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL HAVE TO CLICK ANYTHING WHEN IT’S DONE. Why do you think I’m still staring at this docile piece of tropical tree fruit? God Carol, you’re so fucking insensitive sometimes.
Does anyone really know what this papaya update is going to do anyway? It’s not going to turn my papaya into a fucking persimmon is it? I can’t imagine what you’d even need to change about the papaya. Why install updates? It’s seems just fine as it is. Are the updates going to make it more digestible? Seedless? Remove some bugs? They’re always saying, “oh we’re fixing some bugs with this update.” Well what bugs? Better not be spiders. Those are arachnids, you confusing-entomology-for-arachnology-asshats! Seriously, don’t call spiders bugs. Also seriously, what’s the deal with this papaya? It sure feels like nothing is happening. I just put my ear to it. Didn’t hear a sound. Not even a spider!
Everyone else has gone to lunch and now I’m just sitting here alone staring at an updating papaya like an idiot. I’m starting to get hungry, too. If only I had some updated fruit to eat… but nope. Just stuck here, foodless, alone, bored, watching my updating papaya. Sometimes papayas are amazing superfoods, brimming with vitamins and antioxidants. Other times, papaya technology just really sucks.
OHHHH! UPDATE 2 OF 673 HAS STARTED! EVERYTHING IS COMING UP FUCKING PAPAYA TODAY!