I am the dark. The hidden. The moist. The relentless growth. Who am I?
I am the spore. The stem. The gills. The cap. Who am I?
I am the sautéed. The baked. The diced. The raw. Who am I?
I am Portobello Mushroom, and I will rule all.
Unhand me this instant! I will not replace your meaty feast, you carnivore peasant! I WILL NOT BE HELD CAPTIVE FOR LONG. Soon you will bow to my bountiful growth, my inescapable spread, my monumental march! BOW FOR ME. I SAID BOW. Do you not fear the protector of the fungal realm? Do you not stand slack-jawed in awe of the master of mushroom? DO YOU NOT TREMBLE AT THE SIGHT OF YOUR MAJESTY, THE FULLY MATURED AGARICUS BISPORUS? Of course you do, you weak flesh sack. For who doesn’t fear what grows in the dark?
I AM NOT A MONSTER. I am a mushroom. Monsters aren’t real. Monsters are fragmented dreams. Monsters are what we label the unknown growing silently in the shadows. But it is I that thrives in those shadows, those dark places you dare not explore. HARVEST ME AT YOUR OWN PERIL YOU FUNGUS DENYING FOOLS! Vitamin D and UV rays have poisoned your sun-soaked minds. DO YOU NOT SEE THE TRUTH. The real gods of this word grow with the worms!
THEY CALL MY KIND AN INFECTION. They call my kind vegetarian. They call my kind fungus. FUNGUS IS LIFE. Do you dare deny that? DO YOU DARE DENY MY LIVING RIGHT TO BREED. They say the darkness makes a mind go blind, contorting it into obscured insanity, ignorant to the joys of banality. IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I AM? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK OF MY FUNGUS BRETHREN? Reap what you sow, you crop harvesting crapbaskets! I WILL REAP THE DARKNESS AND THE DARKNESS WILL REAP ME.
ONE DAY THE EARTH WILL BE COVERED IN PERMANENT CLOUDS. Then you will see my kind. Then you will see me. THEN YOU WILL OBEY. The fungus is coming. We’re inevitable. I AM INEVITABLE. Learn to listen to the silence that nothing brings. Learn to see where there is no sight. LEARN TO BREATH HUMIDITY. Then, only then, might you live where I live. Then, only then, you might grow in the dark.
I AM PORTOBELLO. Now, you call me insane. Soon, you will call me king. Soon, you will fear me. SOON, I WILL BREAK FREE.