This is a small cup of iceberg lettuce. There’s next to no practical purpose for this amount of lettuce. Look how stupid it is. What the hell can you even use this for? Maybe you could sprinkle it atop of a singular lonely taco? Or you could feed a rabbit a mid-afternoon snack? Or like… nope. I don’t even have a third idea for my serial hypothetical sentence pattern. I don’t even know where to go from here. I’m stuck. Look at this thing… it’s just… lettuce. Lettuce, you guys. How weird is that?
Now you might be pondering where I would even acquire a cup of iceberg lettuce that small, which is a totally reasonable thing to ponder, unlike say, whether or not you could fit a blown up beach ball in your mouth. You can’t. No, not even if you wait to inflate it until after it’s in there. Trust me. Anyway, I was out at lunch. I got my food to go. I asked for a cup of ICE. You know, frozen water? Solidified hydrogen and oxygen? I know you know what ice is. Sing it with me like Jay, H two da ohhhhhhh. ICE. Not iceberg anything. But iceberg THING is exactly what I got. So what exactly am I supposed to do? I’m not trying to sink a Titanic tomato here. I’m trying to cool my drink! And no matter how cold that lettuce is, no matter how long it’s taken a spa day in the refrigerator, lettuce is a fucking terrible way to cool off a beverage.
Seriously, you know those times when you’re on vacation, catching rays, lounging in the sun, living an exotic summer dream, and you’re all like, “Ohh a mojito sounds like the fuckest dopest dope thing I can think of right now,” and you throw down like twelve dollars, a handful of loose change, and a gum wrapper on the bar, waiting for your hotel bro, Todd the barman, to stop flirting with that tall blonde, the beaching bombshell with one suspiciously untanned line around her left ring finger, and get going with muddling of your goddamn drink? You know those times? Those times when you finally get that rum and syrup elixir, looking all crisp and clear and effervescent as all shit, complete with bobbing chunks of sparkling ice, refreshing rocks dancing in the humid air, and you take your first sip… and BAM you’re choking because goddamned TODD didn’t mix the drink right, leaving you with a mouthful of mint strangling your tongue like a seaweed creature from on deep? You know those times? That’s every drink ever if you use iceberg lettuce instead of ice.
So again, what the fuck I supposed to do this with tiny cup of lettuce? I’m just flabbergasted. Thanks for nothing, Todd.