I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet or not, but celery is basically the MacGyver of the vegetable world. Don’t believe me? Well I hardly think you’ve had enough time to have formed an opinion on the matter, but hear me out regardless, you conclusion jumping jerk. Celery is a jack-of-all-trades, the be all end all, the most adaptable, resilient, and flexible vegetable we have. And it’s not even close.
You feeling a little thirsty, a little dried out, got yourself chapped lip smacking in the summer heat? Bro, celery is NINETY-FIVE percent water according to an I’m Feeling Lucky Google search I just did! THAT’S A HIGHER PERCENTAGE OF WATER CONTENT THAN GATORADE (94%). That makes celery a perfectly acceptable celebratory food item to pour out on the next Super Bowl winning coach. Oh what’s that? You’re not dehydrated because you’re too fat and lazy to even scooch your decaying ass to the edge of your seat? WELL EAT SOME CELERY, DUDE. A bunch of pseudo-science reading, bullshit spouting, negative-calorie dieting fools will explain to you that you actually burn more calories chewing celery than you gain digesting it. I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT’S TRUE, BUT VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU AND A HEALTHY DIET CAN LEAD TO WEIGHT LOSS #REALSCIENCE. Oh what’s that? You’re feeling a little Ace Ventura with a bunch of shit in your teeth after eating celery? WELL NO PROBLEMO AMIGO! Celery is nature’s dental floss. Just peel a stringy piece off the stalk, and you’ll be getting celery chunks out of your teeth with other celery chunks in no time!
Seriously, celery is there for you no matter what the problem is. Need a good magic trick for a child’s birthday party? Dump some raisins on your bro, and celery turns those pruned grape fuckers into ANTS. (Fact: kids go apeshit bananas for eating insects.) Need a science project for school? Celery. A Mother’s Day present? Celery. Forgot to bring flowers to a funeral? Celery. Need a raft to float down the Mississippi? CROSS-STITCH A BUNCH OF STALKS TOGETHER AND YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF A BOAT! Dude, I’m telling you, no matter what the situation, celery has your back. For life.
Oh what’s that, you want to sneak out of work during the middle of the day, maybe throw a few dollars down on the ponies, gambling away the excess fluff from your employee contribution to your 401k? Well, fuck it! Throw some celery on your chair and no one will even know you were ever gone! Has anyone seen Karen? Yeah, she’s RIGHT THERE DOING WORK. They don’t even know! Look at that pic! THEY. DON’T. EVEN. KNOW.
Celery, we owe you a salute. You’re the best, dude. The absolute best. Now can you help me fix this flat tire or what? Oh, you happen to moonlight as a tire iron? Why am I not surprised?