Okay, Chris! You took what was a borderline sad, but classically catchy Coldplay hymn to the circus. Apparently, you meant literal magic huh ol bloke? Here we were, thinking this was a sorrow-filled goodbye to Gwyneth. Silly us, fooled us and pulled off a hell of a trick there, gov’nah! I ain’t mad atcha. BRAVO – we call that maaagiiic!
This is not my original idea, but one from today’s self-proclaimed “GREATEST LIVING ROCK STAR ON THE PLANET“. If that self-affirmation, and this post’s headline made you cringe or cock your metaphorical gun while searching for my metaphorical address, joke’s on YOU – I’m literally homeless. You are also missing the point, entirely. For one, you’re a little late to the party. This isn’t the first time he made that EXACT statement. See 2013 on BBC Radio [CLICK HERE for Full Thesis Interview] :
So when he closed his 2015 Glastonbury Festival set with the bold statement:
… and that got your knickers in a bunch so you had to go off lookin like an old square stuck in the land of literal interpretation of artist’s rant, you lost by even responding or taking that personally at all.
In kindergarten (or preschool – for you blokes) school, everybody had access to the same crayons, paper, and space. Some winced looking to color inside the lines better than anyone, some were looking to finger-paint the best stick-man the classroom floor had ever seen, and some naughty nitwits were just content jumpin around in the mud outside all day. But, OTHERS were busy drawing their bicycles with wings. After all if planes can fly, and they can bicycle real fast, whats a couple thousand feet of lift and jet fuel? They were outfitting their families’ heads with fire-breathing dragon heads. So what if that’s a constant fire hazard? They were focused on getting their play-family to fly with them by any means necessary and available to them at that point! End of Story, enjoy your rules!
These OTHERS grew to create timeless pieces like “One Love” (singin: lets get together and feel alright), and “I Shot The Sheriff” (actual lyrical reasoning: Sheriff had it comin for killin my vegetation but, HEY at least I didn’t shoot the deputy!) in the one breath with the exact same intensity and integrity. If we try to follow them from one point to the next with iron-clad 1+1=2 logic we will never spot these mythical beings dancin around among us “sane” people. To them – the messages in BOTH “One Love”, and “I Shot The Sheriff” are equally valid and deeply true to the very same world they occupy and observe – despite the varying levels of literalism.
So if you’re like Slipknot’s Corey Taylor, you’re not just wrong – but, your well thought out logic on Kanye West’s self-opinion is baseless and has no effect on the validity of that very statement. Best of luck arguing against somebody who believes in:
The Who’s Pete Townshend may never come to the opinion of Oasis’ Noel Gallagher (who was outspoken against Kanye’s big-brother headlining the traditionally Rock festival a few years back)
“it was as fuckin good as it gets”
For now, we’ll consider all opinions on that performance and the not-so-absurd statement he had repeated plenty of times as valid as judgement on who had the “best” idea in that pre-school/kindergarten classroom.
So WHY is YOUNG THUG LIKE BOB MARLEY? Because, that weirdo who colored the wings on his bike pink, and infused mythological creature heads with human anatomy has SO FEW PEERS in the adult world outside of that childhood stage. When he recognizes a kindred spirit, it is his duty to not only embrace them – but to encourage them to draw the biggest fuggin flame he can on his dragon! HELL – add some dinosaurs while you’re at it! That is why Kanye’s encounter with Young Thug went a little something like this:
“[Kanye] didn’t have a phone for like 3 or 4 years, When I first met him, he was like ‘We gotta keep in touch; here’s my email.’ But he called me Bob Marley. He had a Beats Pill and was like, ‘I wanna hear all of your music in the world that’s not out.’ So I was letting him hear all the music. Then he said I was like Bob Marley and he wanted to do an album with me. I was like, ‘Let’s roll!’ He’s a fan (and) fans are the main reason you stay motivated and become who you want to be. Kanye is like my brother, but he’s a real fan. He bought me some Yeezys (Kanye’s perpetually sold-out shoe line) and went on eBay to get them for me. That’s motivation”
To quote an exceptionally well put review of Thugger Thugger‘s controversially released “Barter 6” offering: “Young Thug is not into literalism. He thrives in gray areas, animated by the electricity generated by the tension of his own contradictions, and he never, ever offers a straightforward explanation”
How Kanye makes the Bob Marley leap is as wild as the dragon heads in that kindergarten room, or as ridiculous as promoting love and making violence sound sweet in the same tune. Don’t worry bout it. It is valid with or without your approval because, it has now been put forth into existence with or without your permission. If his last album – Yeezus – is any indication he is not afraid to artistically work towards Rock proficiency after perfecting rap with the critically acclaimed “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” album. This mantra and self-affirmation will continue to exist in that ether until he makes it an undeniable reality, or tragically and thoroughly fails in front of all of us all like a kid learning to ride a bike, tittering and crashing into bushes
that don’t care about black people, and getting bruised for our entertainment.
If nothing else, isn’t that what “the greatest living rock star” is supposed to be doing? Or, is that title reserved for those that accomplished great things in the past, but rarely push the boundaries of expectations and artistry moving forward – as they coast to Hall of Fame inductions?
I don’t know if you’ve realized this yet or not, but celery is basically the MacGyver of the vegetable world. Don’t believe me? Well I hardly think you’ve had enough time to have formed an opinion on the matter, but hear me out regardless, you conclusion jumping jerk. Celery is a jack-of-all-trades, the be all end all, the most adaptable, resilient, and flexible vegetable we have. And it’s not even close.
You feeling a little thirsty, a little dried out, got yourself chapped lip smacking in the summer heat? Bro, celery is NINETY-FIVE percent water according to an I’m Feeling Lucky Google search I just did! THAT’S A HIGHER PERCENTAGE OF WATER CONTENT THAN GATORADE (94%). That makes celery a perfectly acceptable celebratory food item to pour out on the next Super Bowl winning coach. Oh what’s that? You’re not dehydrated because you’re too fat and lazy to even scooch your decaying ass to the edge of your seat? WELL EAT SOME CELERY, DUDE. A bunch of pseudo-science reading, bullshit spouting, negative-calorie dieting fools will explain to you that you actually burn more calories chewing celery than you gain digesting it. I HAVE NO IDEA IF THAT’S TRUE, BUT VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU AND A HEALTHY DIET CAN LEAD TO WEIGHT LOSS #REALSCIENCE. Oh what’s that? You’re feeling a little Ace Ventura with a bunch of shit in your teeth after eating celery? WELL NO PROBLEMO AMIGO! Celery is nature’s dental floss. Just peel a stringy piece off the stalk, and you’ll be getting celery chunks out of your teeth with other celery chunks in no time!
Seriously, celery is there for you no matter what the problem is. Need a good magic trick for a child’s birthday party? Dump some raisins on your bro, and celery turns those pruned grape fuckers into ANTS. (Fact: kids go apeshit bananas for eating insects.) Need a science project for school? Celery. A Mother’s Day present? Celery. Forgot to bring flowers to a funeral? Celery. Need a raft to float down the Mississippi? CROSS-STITCH A BUNCH OF STALKS TOGETHER AND YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF A BOAT! Dude, I’m telling you, no matter what the situation, celery has your back. For life.
Oh what’s that, you want to sneak out of work during the middle of the day, maybe throw a few dollars down on the ponies, gambling away the excess fluff from your employee contribution to your 401k? Well, fuck it! Throw some celery on your chair and no one will even know you were ever gone! Has anyone seen Karen? Yeah, she’s RIGHT THERE DOING WORK. They don’t even know! Look at that pic! THEY. DON’T. EVEN. KNOW.
Celery, we owe you a salute. You’re the best, dude. The absolute best. Now can you help me fix this flat tire or what? Oh, you happen to moonlight as a tire iron? Why am I not surprised?