So if we’re going solely off of recent box office results (And why wouldn’t we? #HOLLYWOOD!), it looks like dinosaurs are super pops again! That’s dope. I always thought they were the extinct embodiment of chill, populating the cool kids’ table with leather jacket wearing T-Rexs and sunglass sporting Triceratops, laughing at inside jokes, sneaking off before the lunch bell rang, gossiping in the halls, smoking cigarettes in the bathroom with the Fonz (Henry Winkler is a dinosaur, too ya’ll), having sex in the parking lot, getting knocked up at 16, laying Dewlicious Melons, hatching future fossilized queens and kings, tiny dinos waiting to take their parents’ place in the Prehistoric Popularity Society, a secret invite-only-club that meets on Wednesday nights to discuss celebrity endorsements and social media trends. Wait, what? Calm down, italicized me! You don’t know? Bro, Dewlicious Melons are dinosaur eggs.
I know, I know, that does sound like an outrageously unfounded scientific claim. But hear me out! Have you actually seen a Dewlicious Melon grown in the wild? Because I haven’t. And have you ever seen a dinosaur egg produced in the wild? Me either. COINCIDENCE? Absolutely not! Grocery stores obviously have a secret army of Dewlicious Melon laying dinosaur women hiding in the stockroom, spending all day doing WORK, aka producing the fruit that is the miracle of dinosaur childbirth. You can totally see it now, can’t you? It’s just so obvious!
There’s probably lot of questions running through your head right now. How is this ethical? Do dinosaur women receive health insurance? Is there tax fraud involved? What am I doing on Independence Day? Is it healthy to eat dinosaurs? What about other melons? Is this post leading to a pitch for Ponzi scheme? When was the last time I ate a Dewlicious Melon? Have I ever eaten a Dewlicious Melon? Aren’t dinosaurs extinct? Why would you market them as melons instead of dinosaur eggs? Where did I leave my car keys? Who in their right mind would want to eat a dinosaur egg? Wait, would I want to eat a dinosaur egg? Did the dinosaurs unionize? How many times in my entire life have I brushed my teeth?
And some of those questions are valid, sure. But you’re missing the real point. The point is that Dewlicious Melons are dinosaur eggs, and dinosaurs are cool, therefore Dewlicious Melons are as cool as dinosaurs. DAMN, DUDE! THAT’S A PRETTY COOL MELON!
Look, tomorrow starts a three day weekend for a lot of people, myself included. So whether you plan to spend your weekend celebrating MURICA ironically or America ronically, why not make it the coolest day possible? Why not up your traditional potato salad and watermelon game? Why not beef up beyond the barbeque briskets, burgers, and brats? Why not add a little Dewlicious dinosaur egg? Seriously, why not? THAT’S THE FUCKING COOL THING TO DO.