Jimmy reminded us that we’re not hopeless as a species the other night. Jimmy is our friend. You know what that is in Swahili? “Rafiki”: which also happens to be the wizard mandrill baboon that guided all of our childhood Simbas to the eternal truth. HE LIVES… inside you (get that checked out). For today’s throwback, see for yourself:
I’m feeling a little loose today, a little wild, a little crazy. I think I’m going to treat myself. I’m going OUT tonight, hitting the town square in the face with my polished loafers. Yeah that’s right, baby! I’m a modern day one man rat pack, a solo Sinatra in a suit. Gonna take me a big fat stack of cash, light it ablaze, and let that shit flutter in the wind. Yeah I’m feeling THAT kind of crazy. You know what they call that around here? Zucchini, baby! Zucchini!
It’s been a long week, but that’s to be expected. It’s the dog days after all. Your puppies should be howling! Take a load off. Take a day off! HELL, TAKE A FEW! I have. Potato Of The Day? Yeah, sure, if we’re talking MONday and THURSday, baby! I’m a zucchini in the summer! There’s no need to push the issue. You ever seen a zucchini push anything? Don’t answer that, baby! Some things are better left to the imagination. Not that kind of imagination you dirty dog, you. Then again, dogs gonna dog, baby! We did say it’s the dog days, didn’t we? Right? I’d check… but baby, I’m checked out!
August is looming, swelling up in the distance, ready to squash summer, but not our summer squash, here! Naw, zucchini is fine with whatever. Lazy summer days? Great! Back to school? Sure! It’s no matter to a zucchini, baby! We, you and I my faithful friend, we might be feeling that collapse of time, the deepening sand pit of looming doom. We know we have work to do, jobs to get back to, words to write, posts to post, readings to read. But we’re not rushing! No way, baby! You and me, and zucchini here, we’re gonna soak up every last second of July. You can bank on that.
So back to tonight, right baby? It’s going down. One way, another way, via highway, all the same, it’s my way. My last stretching toast to my summer me. Well, until the next summer, baby! All good things end, and all good things come back around. So join me in the sun, under the stars, in the street, at the bar. Join me, a zucchini in a zoot suit, fattened on lazy heat and the sweet, sweet release of summer. Join me as we say goodbye, tossing a nod back at that beautiful dame, July. Yeah baby, rhyme with me, too. Because why not? Why not treat yourself, too? Why not zucchini?
Yesterday, we got wind of the evil of man that hunts lions for sport. The jackass who not only flew halfway across the world to skin, behead, and leave a lion carcass where it lay, but had done this ROUTINELY. We weren’t the only one. The manliest late night show host had no jokes, but disgust that we shared with the rest of the world. Here’s a sample of some folks who agree:
A monster, THAT’S WHO
WHOA… SHAROOON! ME-OW… or ROARRR, I guess.
3rd Base then?
AWWW now… this one just BROKE MY… AWW MAN.
Wait, what? We thought he was last seen with one of his wives. Anyways – that’s Jericho… his homebody for life, whose duty it now is to kill all his homeboy’s cubs, and make new ones with his old ladies. Life – right?
Come on, man. What does Cecil’s recreational activity have to do with him deserving to die just because some asshole felt like it that day?
Yikes… well… i mean… like…
You know when somebody says “I’m so mad, I could cry!”? Jimmy was as close to that as possible in this jokeless monologue. Watch and visit wildcru.org:
Update: Unfortunately the full monologue was removed by Jimmy Kimmel Live due to some “copyright” issue.
I’ve been known for inciting and encouraging ‘caution‘ in engaging and dealing with our Animal Kingdom peers. Those views are in no way, shape, or form represented by the actions of one scum of human existence, Dr. Walter James Palmer of Minnesota. This ass-hat dedicated his assets ($55,000 permit to be exact) to luring, tracking, and illegally killing an alpha-male of a lion pride in Zimbabwe. The 13 year old mane-bearer is none other than Cecil The Lion. Cecil was a famously celebrated manifestation of excellence as tourists from all over the world came to Zimbabwe to see the largest lion on record in his natural habitat. Cecil is basically the real life version of Mufasa. Remember him, the OG who’s son, Simba, eventually succeeded him the throne of pride rock thanks to his mandrill
butler therapist godfather? NO?
Now You do! If you missed Lion King, SPOILER ALERT: Simba got back from back-packing in Europe with his new gypsy friends Timon and Pumba, and took care of the family business via a fiery hostile take-over… So to speak.
SNAP BACK to REAL LIFE: MUFASA, Cecil. You know what’s gonna happen to HIS potential Simba, and Nala (btw – they were siblings. Gross, Disney)?
THEY’RE ALL GONNA DIE NOW! Circle of life my A55, DISNEY! Yup, Mother Nature’s an even bigger bitch than this toothless dentist. Apparently this isn’t the first time fake-a55-ghetto-Teddy-Roosevelt-wannabe went after majestic natural artifacts. In his neighboring state of Wisconsin, Palmer was fined and placed on probation for a year for illegally killing a black bear. He then lied to a federal agent after shooting the black bear 40 miles outside the legal zone.
This explains why PETA went gangsta on him.
WHOA! PETA, I’m witcha on “extradited, and charged” but… just WHOA. If you’re truly People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, maybe dial down on the murder game, and up on the ethics. That said, since you feel so strongly about it, might I suggest humanely placing this doctor in prison? Except, make it a prison where he’s surrounded by other lions to harass him whenever he drops the soap or doesn’t eat his cornbread. A zoo might be what I’m thinking of. Put him in a zoo.
On another note – as the largest lion recorded, and alpha male of his pride, Cecil was DEFINITELY an African King… of the jungle. That makes this a downright geo-political power grab and potential crisis aided by American financing. The CIA has neither confirmed nor denied involvement in this allegation. Why would they? That’s NOT just forced to support my focus on geo-political issues for the week, either! The American public has come out in droves distancing themselves from this man’s actions with insults that we ourselves at this blog are far too classy to suggest and conjure up. We’ll bring you those tomorrow.
For now a tribute to the one and only, the king of the jungle, father of 6… (soon to be dead, because DAAAAMN that’s kinda awful… ain’t it ethical/humane to save THOSE lil guys for a zoo, PETA?) cubs. Cecil The Great!
HOL’ UP! This TOOLBAG ALREADY had a lion trophy from 2008! He was tryna RE-UP on his COLLECTION of lion trophies??? Phucket, PETA – HAVE AT HIM!