Remember when bell-bottoms became popular again for a hot minute during the late 90s and early 00s? Wasn’t that weird? For real, that was confusing as all hell. There wasn’t a real demand for that type of pant to return. We didn’t really have a need to go back to the 1960s Sonny and Cher look. It didn’t suddenly work better the second time around. But still, it happened. And I’ve always wondered about that, wondered what the fuck was going through the collective fashion world’s denim brains. And now, after years of exhaustive investigative journalism, I know. It was all the work of that damn fashion puppet master, the Bartlett Pear.
The Bartlett Pear has been chilling behind the scenes, pulling strings in the fashion world for hundreds of years. Throughout history it’s been there, manipulating human culture, molding us to fit its centralized pear imagery. Seriously, nearly any questionable fashion trend that result in oddly shaped human beings was a result of the Bartlett Pear’s obsession with making the pear the world’s most prominent living creature. Those big Victorian dresses with bumped out bottoms, asses the size of a gazebo? Makes you look like Bartlett Pear. Those white puffy Bard shirts stolen from medieval times, repurposed for an episode of Seinfeld? Look at the arms of those. What do you see? Yup, Bartlett Pear. TOP HATS. Seriously, think about how stupid top hats are for a second. Now think about what they make the top of your head look like. YUP! The goddamn stem to a Bartlett Pear. Puffball skirts, parachute pants, hats with fruit on them! Pear. Pear. AND LITERALLY MORE PEAR. I told you. THE BARTLETT PEAR’S FINGERPRINTS ARE EVERYWHERE.
I don’t know what the ultimate endgame to all this pear madness is. Frankly, it’s the worst plot to take over the world I’ve ever seen. What exactly are you accomplishing you pear fiend? Are you trying to make humans so unattractive they stop repopulating? Because that’s not going to happen. Dudes got laid in JNCO jeans (which, duh, PEAR). There’s no real path to world domination through fashion manipulation. It’s just not there. So the only thing I can think of is that you’ve got a dastardly sense of humor. So if it’s all just a joke, a silent plot to mock and laugh in muffled pairs with partridges perched in trees, then cool, bro. You made us look dumb. Okay, fair, you made us behave dumb, too. But like, you molded us in YOUR image, stylized to look like YOU, a pear. So… what’s that make you? Petty damn dumb looking, too. So there.