Sometimes life is just like, “Woah, pump the brakes Green Beans, ya’ll kinda look like worms and I’m not feeling real insectivore right now.” Like today. Today was a day where I wanted lunch, but I didn’t want to feel like a gap-mouthed baby bird. Yeah, I might be rocking that humid air hatchling fluff fro, but that doesn’t mean I want to be gobbling up partially regurgitated bug flesh fresh from momma’s mouth. I want a little more nuisance to my food. Tickle my palate, you know? Play my white ivories like you’re the goddamned ghost of Mozart on a Lazarus farewell tour. Don’t just insult my tonsil guardians with your slimy worm meal, a flaccid intruder of the tongue.
I’m sure Green Beans are fine when you get to know them one on one in a blanched sea salt affair. But as a group, ya’ll need to just chill out. Stop squirming so much. Not literally. I’m not so stupid that I believe an inanimate veggie suddenly sprouted the power to wiggle about in a fish enticing seduction. But appearance wise, look me in the eye and tell me you don’t look like one long segment of clitellum, Green Beans. You can’t, can you? Naw. Even you know you’d look better thrashing about in a spring shower’s puddle than you would on a fork. That’s not hating, that’s just the mucus laced truth.
And before one of you Green Bean sympathizers get into a “but earthworms are essential for the production of humus (not hummus, hopefully), the valuable organic material responsible for the revitalization of soil fertility, making Green Bean’s role as a vital cog in the daily vegetable servings block of the human food pyramid, a food grouping largely responsible for the necessary dietary fibers that allow human beings to digest and process material waste, an excellent paralleling metaphor in a scientific sense” bullshit rebuttal, just ask yourself if you’d want to eat a worm. Because this isn’t about science. It’s about food. And I’m not in the mood for worms and if you’re being honest with me, neither are you, ass.
Anyway, I ate the Green Beans because I was hungry. So I guess that makes me an early bird or something.