Turnip Tuesday: Robert Delong – “Don’t Wait Up” (Live)

Late night show performances are a hit or miss. It’s the kind of thing you stay for if you like the act, but flip the channel to an old episode of Family Guy or Archer if the programming coordinator has their $hit together on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim. But, last night – this Washington native blew the freakin roof off that studio! What might seem like an ordinary set if he was say “Skrillex” or some other dj was A LOT MORE impressive than meets the ear. HE WAS A ONE-MAN BAND

It’s one thing to play a bunch of instruments (14? psh, we’re not that impressed Beck). But, its a whole other thing to play them ALL within the breadth of a single performance with absolutely no assistance, and graciously grooving from one to another. This dude did the vocals (ON KEY – granted with effects). He had a drumset. NO, TWO drumsets! He had the keys! He had this steering wheel thing he turned that cried like a dolphin in ecstasy. He had this Wii Remote lookin do-hickey he waved in the air to reverb his restless voice! I mean, the guy was on FIRE! DIDN’T MISS A STEP! Not even when he showcased moves to put Jagger in his place. JUST WATCH AND TURNIP!

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Potato Of The Day Episode 61

greenbeanwormsSometimes life is just like, “Woah, pump the brakes Green Beans, ya’ll kinda look like worms and I’m not feeling real insectivore right now.” Like today. Today was a day where I wanted lunch, but I didn’t want to feel like a gap-mouthed baby bird. Yeah, I might be rocking that humid air hatchling fluff fro, but that doesn’t mean I want to be gobbling up partially regurgitated bug flesh fresh from momma’s mouth. I want a little more nuisance to my food. Tickle my palate, you know? Play my white ivories like you’re the goddamned ghost of Mozart on a Lazarus farewell tour. Don’t just insult my tonsil guardians with your slimy worm meal, a flaccid intruder of the tongue.

I’m sure Green Beans are fine when you get to know them one on one in a blanched sea salt affair. But as a group, ya’ll need to just chill out. Stop squirming so much. Not literally. I’m not so stupid that I believe an inanimate veggie suddenly sprouted the power to wiggle about in a fish enticing seduction. But appearance wise, look me in the eye and tell me you don’t look like one long segment of clitellum, Green Beans. You can’t, can you? Naw. Even you know you’d look better thrashing about in a spring shower’s puddle than you would on a fork. That’s not hating, that’s just the mucus laced truth.

And before one of you Green Bean sympathizers get into a “but earthworms are essential for the production of humus (not hummus, hopefully), the valuable organic material responsible for the revitalization of soil fertility, making Green Bean’s role as a vital cog in the daily vegetable servings block of the human food pyramid, a food grouping largely responsible for the necessary dietary fibers that allow human beings to digest and process material waste, an excellent paralleling metaphor in a scientific sense” bullshit rebuttal, just ask yourself if you’d want to eat a worm. Because this isn’t about science. It’s about food. And I’m not in the mood for worms and if you’re being honest with me, neither are you, ass.

Anyway, I ate the Green Beans because I was hungry. So I guess that makes me an early bird or something.

Why I’m Leaving Earth: Redneck Boot Sandals

That’s it, yall. It’s been real. Don’t get me wrong, I love humans. I’ve got plenty of human friends, and even some of my family is of human descent. I think humans are great and have offered life many great things. Like poetry, and music. That’s humans. Cheesecakes. Humans! Maxi dresses, and beaches? That’s humans. Well, not beaches – those are naturally occuring, but sand castles are not. Those are DEFINITELY human inventions, and I’ve enjoyed those at the beach, so. Still… humans. Nothing against humans, let’s be clear. But THIS $HIT RIGHT HERE? THIS is my line in the sand. THIS is the rubican. This is it! I’ve tried to get along with the worst of you. I’ve tried to understand the most despicable among the crowd.

Then you tried being “unique” and playing god with this:

redneck sandal bs kitchen benandsiyablog

Which went onto ruin our beaches like so:

redneck boot sandal beach benandsiyablog

I know some Martians, and heard of some folks that go by the Neptunes, and one of my dogs reps Pluto hard. So I’ve got plenty of places to go. Don’t worry about me. Ben, I’ll beam the rest of the blog posts from the other side of the atmosphere moving forward. I hope that’s cool. But, those pictures above? DEFINITELY NOT COOL.
If you wanna join the rest of your earthling brotheren, feel free to check out the official page for this atrocity HERE.

*take off*