How has Starburst or whoever runs their ads NOT used this. Starburst you’re phuckin up, breh. YOUR slogan is “TASTE THE RAINBOW!” This song’s hook LITERALLY asks “My love, do you ever dream of Candy coated raindrops?” Its like, they did the groundwork for you! Just have people dancin to this jam tossin ya candy back and forth at each other. Have them sending each other snail-mail with pictures of ya candy and love notes like “miss me?”! Are you writing this down??? Wait, what? “Taste the Rainbow” is Skittles?…. *sigh* SKITTLES… you’re phuckin up, breh!
Do you feel that energy, that buzzing hive, swarming forth, swallowing up the sun? Do you feel that deep rumble, the ground swelling upward, cracking, crumbling away into emerging canyon gaps? Do you feel that fluster, gathering gusts of wind, levitating you up, up, up and away? Of course you feel it! Of course you’ve got that chaos pulsing through your veins! Of course your adrenaline is peaking at an all-time high! How could you not be pumped right now?! HOW COULD YOU NOT BE JACKED?? You don’t need a goddamned grandfather clock. You don’t need a watch. You don’t need a stealth pocket glance at your phone. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS. That’s right. IT’S PARTY TIME. It is? OH HELL YES IS! Why? BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS IN THE GODDAMNED HOUSE THAT’S WHY!
Oh yeah, just look at that sparkling red, gorgeous piece of pepper pimping out right there. Do you have chills? I have chills. See those pimply bumps bouncing out from your skin, those little camel humps of pure human scream? YOUR BODY MADE THOSE BECAUSE IT CAN’T EVEN CONTAIN YOUR HYPE RIGHT NOW. That feeling you’ve got creeping up in your temples? That’s the orgasmic flood of endorphin riding dolphins swimming through your brain tubes. That’s the feeling of your brain bleeding rocket ships into the night sky. That’s the feeling of pure, uncut Red Bell Pepper. Yeah, Red Bell Pepper is so dope it is your dope. Get hooked. Don’t fight it! Just give in and let the eye-bulging anarchy spray ocean waves of kinetic rainbows from your eye-hole sockets. BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS THE FUCKING PARTY YOU DIDN’T EVEN NEED TO ASK FOR. BECAUSE RED BELL PEPPER IS THE PARTY YOU DESERVE.
This is it, the hype train is reaching terminal velocity. The sky is cracking open. Lightning is our new oxygen. We’re all hoverboarding birds now. We don’t need wings. We don’t need our hair, or muscles, or bone. WHAT’S THE POINT OF SKIN? Just let your soul burst out of your body in the brilliant bright crimson tornado that is Red Bell Pepper! WE’RE HERE NOW. THERE’S NO STOPPING IT. THIS IS OUR TIME IN THE SUN! ARE YOU MOTHAFUCKAS READY TO BRING THE FUCKIN’ RUCKUS?! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKAS READY TO BURN IT ALL DOWN AND BUILD IT BACK UP?! ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKAS READY TO GET MOTHAFUCKIN’ RED MOTHAFUCKIN’ BELL PEPPER UP IN THIS BITCH?!
OH FUCK YEAH YOU ARE.
The last time I was flying out of America’s busiest airport, using Wi-Fi seemed like a seamless breeze. The wi-fi read “OHare Public” and that seemed clear enough,
“instagram all the Niykee Heaton you want till this New York flight, young African!”. But, my iFun security just wouldn’t let me refresh my timelines, or browser, or Tinder. WTF! Turns out my Cupertino overlords had my best interest at heart, because what seemed fair enough was a trick hack-holes use in every airport to get people sending and receiving unprotected credit card numbers, pictures, and virtually everything on your smartphone. That would have worked if I was wielding a dumbass Samsung Galaxy.
No, it’s not popular start-up Swiftkey’s fault – but it’s how Samsung installed the SDK that foolishly grants the keyboard god-like SYSTEM WIDE access to the phones’ pictures, apps, notes, and generally too much. Lost ya yet? FINE, watch this brogrammer demonstrate:
While, the issue seems to work best with public wi-fis, Samsung Galaxy users are still at risk as long as they have that nifty keyboard pre-installed and browse the internet in any way. Soooo candy-crush only for you! Lay off the internet for a while. (Printed version of our blog is available upon request).