Monday Mood: Led Zepellin – Dazed and Confused

Current situation for sure. The droggy drawl of the bass guitar dragging its dead feet on every damned stroke? The yoddling yelps of a young Robert Plant yearning for the eventual yawn at the end of every yucky bar? The altogether lazy alliteration laying amicably long after likability?  That’s all the definition of this Monday, and the feeling of staring at a slow-turning ceiling fan and wondering “what will come first – insanity, or the rendezvous of the sweat on this Gatorade bottle with the surface of the table it slowly drips towards?“.

If you can think of a more Monday song, or you believe “Stairway to Heaven” is a better Zep song, then PHUCK YOU you should probably just shut your trap music since nobody asked you. You’re clearly dazed and confused. #NAILEDIT

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What Gives Kanye The Biggest Smile, But Makes Woody Harrelson Lose His Erection?

That’s not a click-bait title! Because, the answer lies directly within that lil square you’re about to press play on down there. When David Blaine performs his witchcraft, its usually about the defiance of physics. But, we’ve seen Harrison Ford kick him out of his home when things went too far for his taste.

This time, he visits Jaden Smith’s family, Kanye West (who is for some divine reason hangin out with Woody Harrelson – I’d watch just THAT show), and those guys from Breaking Bad (which I’ve not see a single shot off for some reason). Woody Harrelson’s reaction is – as the title suggests – “well I just lost my erection entirely”. That’s the punchline, but the build-up and foreplay is the real… meat here. If seeing the rare mythical creature that is a Kanye smile is your thing, watch this and lose it like everyone does at the plot-twist:

Potato Of The Day Episode 55

strawberrycouchOkay, this is just ridiculous. That strawberry is taking up far too much space on the couch. Be real for a second, Strawberry. Do you actually NEED that much space to be comfortable? Is it really NECESSARY to take up an entire couch cushion? DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A WIDE ENOUGH ASS TO JUSTIFY THAT SEATING POSITION DECISION? No. You are a STRAWBERRY and taking up that much space on the couch is pure nonsense!

I could understand if you needed that much room if you were, say, a strawberry shake. A shake could spill if jostled. That’s dangerous. Especially for that cream upholstery. But you’re not a shake. You’re a single berry. That’s not to imply that I know anything about your relationship status, Strawberry. You never accepted by friend request on Facebook, which as an aside, is really incredibly rude. Oh, you don’t have a Facebook account because you’re a strawberry and not a real person? Well, that actually makes sense. UNLIKE HOW MUCH SPACE ON THE COUCH YOU’RE TAKING UP.

I’m not great with spatial geometry, but I’m fairly certain I’m bigger than you. So, sure, I could just pick you up and move you. But that seems pretty rude. KIND OF LIKE TAKING UP AN ENTIRE COUCH CUSHION WHEN YOU’RE APPROXIMATELY 1/1,000,000,000,000,000TH THE SIZE OF THE CUSHION YOU’RE SITTING ON (again, bad with spatial geometry). So maybe you could just look at me over here, stuck in the crease between cushions, and take a hint. OH COME ON. I know you see me suffering. But you do nothing. You just lay about like a Spanish King during siesta. You might be the rudest Strawberry I’ve ever met. And I’d know. I’ve met a lot of rude fruit.

Okay, seriously Strawberry, I’m starting to sink into the crease now. I don’t like it. It’s sticky down there. Is that a penny? Nope, QUARTER! SCORE. You could have been rich if you had just switched me spots, Strawberry. I don’t think there’s a Forbes list for berries, but owning 25 cents has to put you in the upper 1%. Oh crap, I’m sinking further. It’s starting to get dark. Is that a remote? It is! To a VCR? How old is this couch?? Why is there so much cereal down here??? IS THIS PET FUR OR HUMAN FUR???? STRAWBERRY, I DON’T LIKE IT DOWN HERE! I’M STUCK NOW. CALL FOR HELP. NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON’T JUST KEEP LOUNGING AROUND TAKING UP WAY TOO MUCH SPACE ON THAT COUCH! I’M TRAPPED!! YOU’RE LITERALLY NO HELP!!!

Great. I guess I live here now. Thanks a lot, Strawberry.