Unpopular opinion alert: Fuck avocados. For real. I know, I know… they’re healthy, they lower cholesterol, they make your hair look like peak Friends Jennifer Aniston’s. I don’t care. They could give me Pegasus wings and the power to start forest fires with my farts and I still wouldn’t care. I’ll never care. I don’t want them in my life. I have no use for their spreads, for their guacamole, or for their scooped out raw bites. Avocados are gross. And it’s 100% because they’re full of sinus infection snot.
Look at that color. That’s snot. There’s nothing else on this planet that rides for that shade of green. Nothing. No, I won’t look at those examples you’ve printed off, I’m trying to blog here. I don’t know how Big Avocado got away with it, but they’re harvesting human snot for consumption, and all of you delightfully airy avocado eaters are gobbling that mucus right up. That’s right, I said it. Big Avocado has factories of snot reservoirs that they pump into pocketed sacks of empty exocarp. AVOCADOS ARE JUST A BIG SCAM.
“But Ben,” you cry out in desperate denial of your snot snacks, “What about that enormous center seed? Surely that’s a sign avocados are a real fruit/vegetable/tree nut?” No. You want to know what that large brown abscess in the middle of that creamy lake of snot is? IT’S MORE SNOT. You know how sometimes you blow and/or pick your nose (shout out to all the adult pickers out there holding it down without fear of social repercussions) and you find a hard, darkened nugget of a snot? THAT’S WHAT THEY PACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF AVOCADOS. If that sounds vulgar, vile, villainous, or another negative v-word, that’s because it is. It’s truly horrid, and why I can’t stomach avocados.
Look, I’m not stupid. I know I can’t pry the lot of you away from the altar of the avocado. But I at least hope if you were thinking about eating an avocado while reading this, I’ve now ruined your lunch.