I was totally gonna go with Pharrell’s “Come Get It Bae“, and just may some other week, but I realized our music roll has been a bit of a sausage-fest as of late. Sooo I figured, let’s keep up the tempo and feel of the Skateboard P G I R L hymn, but invite his fellow Virginian and frequent collaborator, Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott.
So much hate flows through the veins on the eve of the NBA Finals. While the most polarizing character may still be Lebron James for some idiots w
ho secretly wish he chose Chicago on “The Decision”, and are just mad he’s ballin so hard that he approaches the top of Mount Jordan with each new game, stat, and season he checks off, this African directs his hatention towards his light-skinned-brethren in the Bay Area. Splash Brother #1, Steph Curry just has life WAY TOO FIGURED OUT, and here’s the proof:
Here’s Steph cooking with his gorgeous wife, Ayeesha. You might say,”So what? Plenty families cook, Siya!”. Okay, but do they cook to the tune of a Drake song with a line dedicated their family’s namesake, that they then meticulously remix to fit said cooking? DIDN’T THINK SO! Drake made it a hot line, they made it a hot song:
Here’s Splash Broseph Stalin at the Warriors practice facility. Forget about the one handed half-court shot. Forget that it was no-look. Forget that it was BEHIND HIS BACK. Forget all that for one second. But, look at that swaggerific strut away from the scene of the heinous crime. As if he does this all day, everyday, and twice on Sundays! Who does this guy THINK HE IS? King James, please attend to this!
Speaking of King James, back when he was in Miami and could afford to be liberal with praise of the young-gunner
(while $hittin on Chalmers as was routinely necessary in those days). “THREE HESIS? You a BAD muh*ucka“
… Ofcourse that was before Golden State was even a contender to get in his way of another championship… these days he keeps his respectful distance
Here are the Curries once again. This time they’re under the iron fist of the bed-time-hatin, press-conference-crashin, nap-mongering “Boss Baby” Judge dictator, Riley Curry. The specialty? Chicken curry, ofcourse!
Convinced yet? Curry’s got it all figured out and I hate it.
Unpopular opinion alert: Fuck avocados. For real. I know, I know… they’re healthy, they lower cholesterol, they make your hair look like peak Friends Jennifer Aniston’s. I don’t care. They could give me Pegasus wings and the power to start forest fires with my farts and I still wouldn’t care. I’ll never care. I don’t want them in my life. I have no use for their spreads, for their guacamole, or for their scooped out raw bites. Avocados are gross. And it’s 100% because they’re full of sinus infection snot.
Look at that color. That’s snot. There’s nothing else on this planet that rides for that shade of green. Nothing. No, I won’t look at those examples you’ve printed off, I’m trying to blog here. I don’t know how Big Avocado got away with it, but they’re harvesting human snot for consumption, and all of you delightfully airy avocado eaters are gobbling that mucus right up. That’s right, I said it. Big Avocado has factories of snot reservoirs that they pump into pocketed sacks of empty exocarp. AVOCADOS ARE JUST A BIG SCAM.
“But Ben,” you cry out in desperate denial of your snot snacks, “What about that enormous center seed? Surely that’s a sign avocados are a real fruit/vegetable/tree nut?” No. You want to know what that large brown abscess in the middle of that creamy lake of snot is? IT’S MORE SNOT. You know how sometimes you blow and/or pick your nose (shout out to all the adult pickers out there holding it down without fear of social repercussions) and you find a hard, darkened nugget of a snot? THAT’S WHAT THEY PACK INTO THE MIDDLE OF AVOCADOS. If that sounds vulgar, vile, villainous, or another negative v-word, that’s because it is. It’s truly horrid, and why I can’t stomach avocados.
Look, I’m not stupid. I know I can’t pry the lot of you away from the altar of the avocado. But I at least hope if you were thinking about eating an avocado while reading this, I’ve now ruined your lunch.