This on repeat, and guaranteed you won’t get off that treadmill! The “wtf am I watching” effect presented by this Grenadan parade is a oil-filled, inuendo-drippin, fishy riddim by Soca artist Skinny Banton. Soca music is the illegitimate love child of Calypso, Reggae, and Funk residing in the West Indies and inducing goose stomping and jumping in the Carribean streets with the same intensity I need for my cardio… (and the gym 😉 ).
Soak it Soak it!
These blueberries have expired. They’re done for. Goners. On the verge of extinction. Yet… they’re still here. Still blue. Still creeping along. Neither completely dead nor completely alive. You could say they’re undead. Oh, but wait… oh no! Undead berries. You know what that means don’t you? Don’t make me say it. Don’t let that curse spill out into the world. I’m a fool. I should have seen it all sooner! Undead blueberries. The end times have come at last. This is the final scourge of mankind. There’s only one monstrosity that exists in a state of perpetual undeadness. You know it. I know it. We all know it. Yup. Zombies. Which makes these blueberries… ZOMBERRIES. We’re all doomed! DOOMED!
Whatever you do, don’t bite a zomberry. That’s how they spread. That’s how the poison gets in. It starts off slow, creeping up through your digestive tract, releasing subtle unease into your blood flow. You might feel just a tad off at that point. You might feel the bubbling pressure in the pit of your bowels. It might make you a little queasy. But then it hits you hard. It rips into you, devours a path to your heart. During that stage, you’ll feel a sharp, sudden blueness radiating out from your brain. You might even start humming Eiffel 65. By then, you’re already done for. There’s no cure. You might as well just say your goodbyes.
The penultimate stage of becoming a zomberry, the Willy Wonka moment, is worse than death. You’ll slowly start to inflate, your torso convexing outward, broadening wider and wider, shaping your body ever rounder. Your skin hue will begin to shift, pigmentation fading away, racial identity giving in to cellular restructuring. You’ll become one with the blue. Round. Docile. Berryified. Then suddenly, without warning, you enter the final stage. Your bodily mass will deflate away, sucked, along with your internal consciousness, into the realm of nothingness, leaving just your fruited husk, a small, shriveled zomberry. Neither alive. Nor dead. Yet still so tempting to eat.
At least until the next hungry fool comes along.
Folks, it is on! This is bigger than me and some closeted feline-fearing enabler of the beasts. Folks, it’s been a running misconception that I FEAR the beasts. Au-Contrar, I’m ready for them! I’m ready to throw everything we’ve got at em, and I only hope to get YOU just as ready! New Zealander Colin Murdoch did his part with his invention. Jane Goodall helped us keep our friends close and enemies closer, under the guise of “animal activism” 😉 . Nice going, Jane! Now we know more of their plans for a PLANET OF THE APES! And ofcourse, Siegried and Roy were betrayed when these cuddly cats couldn’t shed their… STRIPES!
“In a leap for robotic development, the MIT researchers who built a robotic cheetah have now trained it to see and jump over hurdles as it runs — making this the first four-legged robot to run and jump over obstacles autonomously”
So here we are at an impasse. We must co-exist with these animals as our entertainment, and show of good grace towards our “interest” in “diversity”, to soothe the tree-huggin nature-nazis and clueless bloggin denialists alike. Our brightest minds at the Massachussettes Institute of Technology are getting us closer to being war ready for the inevitable World War Zoo! ABOUT TIME! By combining the best of our ingenuity in robotics, and using the cats own capabilities against them, we are tirelessly working to be leaps and bounds ahead of the BeastKrieg. Without further adieu, BEHOLD our jumping, sprinting, rumbutious robotic ally in the coming BeastKrieg:
Google acquired Boston Dynamics, the company that made the first generation of these, a few months ago. They also happen to be currently in cahoots with the military’s ultra-secret R&D wing, DARPA (US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency). So before the War against the animals, they’ll be sure to test these out on HUMAN subjects. If you’re concerned how they’ll find some willing participants, don’t worry. As I mentioned above, this is a collaboration between information gate-keepers (Google), and information seekers (U.S. Government). They now know everything about all of us already. So get ready for some exciting exercises on that end, because nothing could possible go wrong! 😀
Siya stole my diary but I’m not going to do anything about it. Not yet.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Diary, but it’s been a while. Did you miss me? I missed you. Fist bump, bro. I’m sorry about how long it’s been. I couldn’t find you! I was looking all over for you in a frantic haze. I couldn’t fathom how I’d misplaced you. You’re an electronic entity after all, a page in cyberspace. My mind was apace with lighting strikes of horrid uncertainty. Did you set off on your own, sailing away into the electronic ocean, forging ahead to colonize new blogs? Did you stumble off in drunken defragmentation, bumbling into a digital brothel, catching a terminal virus? Or did you simply forget about me, my memory archived along with your location, hidden, set aside indefinitely? Continue reading Ben’s Diary: Siya Stole My Diary But I’m Not Going To Do Anything About It. Not Yet.